Depressing News

Looks like we should have known the Eagles were going to lose yesterday. It had been predicted by science! According to a British psychologist, today is the most depressing day in history.

Some of you may be skeptical. Why today? Wasn’t in January 24 the other year? Yes, it was, but I only remember that because it’s also my father’s birthday. The Jan. 24 date came from the same person, who releases the same study every year, knowing the press will print it. Anyway: The most depressing day of the year is more like Easter than Christmas, as it moves around from day to day. It, I guess, always falls on a Monday.

But you might still be skeptical, knowing that American science reporting is often no more than crazy charts and graphs about “hacking your brain” and British science stories are even worse, including the recent panic of coffee-induced hallucinations in nearly every major paper. Psshaw. Not only do we have the Eagles’ loss — including the heartbreaking comeback and ensuing failure — as evidence, we also have this:

Millions will feel so glum they will decide to stay in bed and up to a quarter of workers are expected to call in sick, research suggests. Psychologist Dr Cliff Arnall has devised a mathematical formula that pinpoints today as Blue Monday.

You get that! It’s a mathematical formula! That proves millions will just not get out of bed today — in England? or in the world? — and almost a quarter of workers called in sick. This has some merit: I mean, geeze, look at all the people off today! I passed by a government building and it was closed! Guess all the workers called in sick. Even the colleges are closed!

As to why this isn’t just the depressing day of the year, and is instead the saddest, bluest day in all of history, one needs to only ask Dr. Arnall again for his input: “The credit crunch means today is potentially the most depressing Blue Monday we have had.” Duh, people. Duh. I can’t believe I even have to explain this to you.

I know, you’re still wondering: But I’m pretty happy right now! Looks like I got off easy on the worst day in history. Please.

Meanwhile, William Hartson, a psychologist at Cambridge University, has devised a mathematical formula which marks today as the most likely for accidents.

Anyway, as I (and Dr. Arnall, and Dr. Hartson) have now conclusively proved, today is the most depressing day of all time. Either that, or we’ve proved that you can say whatever you want about anything, and someone will take you seriously. And if you’re doctor and have research that can suggest something, newspapers will treat your word as gospel.

Feeling blue? Today - January 19, 2009 - is the most depressing day in HISTORY, say experts [Daily Mail]
Image (of a record!) by Kevin Doley used under a Creative Commons license

Validation That Your Life Sucks

Hey, are you miserable today? Sure, even if you’re on some legal mind-altering pills, you might still be a little down. Well now you have some validation from a magazine with annoying slideshows using a pointless index of miserableness: We’re the 5th most miserable city in America!

How miserable is Philly? The residents of the City of Brotherly Love once booed Santa Claus and pelted him with snowballs at an Eagles game. Maybe it’s the long commutes, violent crime and plethora of toxic waste sites that has people grumpy. Philadelphia scored in the top 20 in all three areas.

Zzzzzzzzz… oh, I’m sorry, I’ve read “booed Santa Claus” so many times that my brain automatically shuts down when I see it. Anyway, the most miserable city in the country is Detroit, and number three is Flint. Eat it, Michigan, we’re way better than you! Meanwhile, Forbes‘ plan to get people to write about them has worked again with another stupid list.

America’s Most Miserable Cities [Forbes]
[Image via]

An Update On Terrell Owens

The Dallas police held a press conference a little over an hour ago to update the status of Terrell Owens. Or, really, just to release a statement and then walk away. The police said they didn’t know how the police report got out, that no one was being charged with anything, and that’s about it.

Owens’ publicist has disputed the facts of the police report, which stated that an officer asked T.O. if he was trying to harm himself and he responded, “Yes.” The Cowboys are holding a press conference later this afternoon.

The breaking news has brought out the jokers and the armchair psychiatrists. And some Dallas TV stations are interviewing the experts, like this story from WFAA-TV:

“This is stunning news; obviously and incredibly surprising that a man in this position would reach this level of depression,” said WFAA-TV sports director Dale Hansen. “There’s something terribly wrong here, and hopefully we’ll find out as the day goes on.”

“There’s something strange about his quote,” said Philadelphia Will Do blogger Daniel McQuade. “But I can’t quite put my finger on it.”

Update, 1:30 p.m.: T.O. is giving a press conference in front of his house in a few. If you want to follow this story, the Dallas Morning News’ blog isn’t bad. It also contains this:

“We will get the truth from the man himself,” said Deion Sanders. “He will tell the truth.”

Mystery surrounds T.O. illness [Star-Telegram]
Police report: Terrell Owens attempted suicide [WFAA-TV]

Money Can’t Buy Me Love

It’s almost as if depression is a mental illness unrelated to how much money one has! Who knew!

Having Too Much [6 ABC]

It’s Official: The National Guard On The Southern Border Is Just Depressing

I don’t know if sending troops to the border is the right idea, but I don’t necessarily think they’ll get depressed while they’re down there. What’s more amazing is our hungry friend managed to say the same answer as a guy yesterday!

Yesterday: Soldiers on Paxil Most Important Problem In Iraq War

Soldiers on Paxil Most Important Problem In Iraq War

Well, at least they didn’t ask Tom Cruise his opinion.

Metro Philly