Northeast Citizens Give Hilarious Crime Solutions

Okay, more Northeast Times fun. My dad actually had this paragraph cut out of the paper and circled in red ink from last week’s issue when I was home on Thursday. It’s a detail of a town hall meeting State Rep. (and Speaker of the House) Denny O’Brien recently held.

The forum gave O’Brien a chance to hear from constituents. There were all kinds of suggestions, from re-opening Holmesburg Prison to building a wall along the Mexican border to amputating the index finger of anyone who fires a gun illegally.

O’Brien, though, favors a systemic approach to crime. His four-pronged approach includes not only the criminal justice system, but a focus on the areas of education, behavioral health and community outreach.

Sometimes, just writing it straight produces the most hilarity. And, yes, if you’re wondering, this is another Onion article come to life, though I’m not totally sure that fake article isn’t actually real.

Time to move forward in crimefighting [Northeast Times]
Town Hall Meeting Gives Townspeople Chance To Say Stupid Things In Public [The Onion]

Independent Speaker To Piss Off Everyone, Hopefully

Newly elected State House Speaker/professional soul stealer Denny O’Brien is in an interesting position: He’s the Republican Speaker of the House, but the Democrats hold a one-seat edge.

As you may remember, ex-Speaker — and current “Speaker Emeritus,” a new title somebody made up to make him feel better — John Perzel had a naked, sex-crazed legislator agree to vote for him so he could stay as Speaker. But then the Democrats came up with a trick of their own and randomly nominated Denny O’Brien as Speaker, getting some Republicans to vote for him instead of Perzel and giving the Democrats a chance to still have some power.

Of course, this leaves O’Brien in a tough position. He’s a Republican, so he’s not going to defer to the Democrats too much, I assume, or else the party will find someone to run against him in Northeast Philly (or something). But if he defers to the Republicans too much, the Democrats will just find somebody else to put in that spot. And if he’s totally 100 percent independent and fair, both parties are going to be begging for John Perzel to be back by the summer. (If both parties are pissed, you know he’s doing a good job.)

He tells KYW 1060’s Tony Romeo, though, he’s going to go the independent route:

“So those who see only weakness in the speaker model, do not confuse independence with ineffectiveness. To those who seek only to preserve the status quo, the public has spoken and continues to speak loudly: no more.” [Do you really think the public speaks in such angry, simple, vapid terms? Wait, that makes sense. —ed.]

O’Brien says his role as a speaker of the minority party represents a “paradigm shift” in House governance, one where the speaker will not give up authority but instead will administer it fairly across the board.

Administer it fairly across the board, eh? I give him six months until both parties hire a pack of wild dogs to tear him apart.

New Pa. House Speaker Highlights His ”Independence” [KYW 1060]

New House Speaker Honest Man Who Would Never Betray The Lord And Savior With A Kiss

Ahh! That photo at right — the one where the guy is ready to eat your soul — is one Dennis M. O’Brien, who was elected Speaker of the House in Pennsylvania yesterday. Before the vote, John Perzel was expected to keep his position as Speaker since one Democrat planned to vote for him and the Dems only had a one-vote margin in the house.

But Democrats came up with a better plan: Bill DeWeese — who was in line to be speaker had one of his party not pledged to vote for Perzel — and Dwight Evans asked O’Brien if he’d be willing to become speaker but let Democrats lead the committees.

During yesterday’s raucous nomination process, O’Brien even sat with his son on his lap. (Clearly, this man is a lifelong politician. And what a surprise: He was first elected to State House at 23.) He also gets a 56 percent increase in pay in going from a rank-and-file member to House Speaker.

He also said he wouldn’t be switching parties:

“The appreciation level from the other party is very temporary, but the memory of those you left is eternal. Why would I do it? For 30 pieces of silver?”

Ahh, you see: We study Biblical history so we know not to repeat it.

Gavel passes from Perzel [Inquirer]

Democrats Pull Weird Political Trick To Elect Different Republican Speaker Of State House

Even though it seemed like Republican John Perzel was going to remain as Speaker of the House, Democrats apparently cut some sort of deal and … elected a different Republican House Speaker.

This one’s from Philadelphia, too. Denny O’Brien represents the Far Northeast and is well-known for his stances of being for seniors and against people who aren’t for seniors. He also puts up these little campaign sign-like things that say “Merry Christmas from Denny O’Brien” in December.

No word if Perzel is planning on moving out of the Speaker’s office anytime soon — he hadn’t after the Dems took the House — so this should be pretty amusing for the next two years.

Philadelphia’s O’Brien elected Pa. House Speaker [Inquirer]