Demons! Well, Okay, Not Demons

Ahh, remember how the all the local media reports on the church vandalism in Bucks County were about how a pair of “demons” showed up at a church. The police wouldn’t even report the demons’ names so as not to taint the investigation.

Anyway, it looks like it was just a bunch of stupid kids! Everyone already knew this anyway, but it’s more fun to write about demons and devils and whatever other shit was printed.

Four kids from Falls were arrested for allegedly vandalizing Our Lady of Perpetual Help Church earlier this month. There was also graffiti all over the area, but, you know, demons. Oh, and when one of the kids parents apologized the church was all like “OMGWTFHOWDAREYOU!!”

“He’s not a demon. He’s not a monster. This was not a hate crime,” Klein said. “He’s a smart kid who made a stupid mistake.” Klein said the vandalism had nothing to do with religion. He said Stetson’s parents are “mortified” but standing behind their son.

“Harry has never even tagged [done graffiti] before,” Klein said. “He bowed to peer pressure that night. He’s very sorry and willing to scrub it off if the church will let him.” It’s too late for that, said Kay McFarland, a spokeswoman for the parish.

“We took care of that already. We’re not going to let that kind of hatred and dirt stay on our statues. Come on, we weren’t going to leave that on our church,” she said.

Let’s just throw these stupid kids in jail for 30 years so they can be in prison with the rest of us. DEMONS!

Teens charged with church vandalism [Bucks County Courier Times]

Possible Demon Arrested, Charged

There is now more information on the area’s demon infestation; authorities in Bucks County revealed more info over the weekend about one of the possible demon vandals. Sandralee Banks-Kastrup, 40, was arrested Thursday night was undergoing a psychiatric evaluation.

The Bucks County Courier Times was nice enough to print all the weird shit she said:

Inside the court on Trenton Road in Middletown, Banks-Kastrup questioned why officers weren’t arresting other people in the court lobby for “killing Brittany.” She told three retail theft suspects who were in handcuffs on a nearby bench that she was God and her daughter was the mother of Jesus Christ.

She repeatedly asked police to take off her handcuffs, but was told that rules of procedure require suspects to be handcuffed during arraignment. “I don’t care about your rules; I made the rules,” she responded curtly.

More »

Demons Still On Loose In Buxco

The Inquirer gives us more today on the Satanic cult vandalizing churches in Bucks County.

Cops arrested one woman, according to the Inky’s Larry King, but are on the lookout for, uh, demons. 40-year-old Sandralee Banks-Kastrup was arrested for vandalizing St. Michael the Archangel church, but cops want to round up more demons to burn at the stake or try for vandalism or whatever. No names, though:

In recalling his encounter with the purported “demons,” [St. Mike's Pastor Fr. Michael] DiIorio said that it was not threatening, but that it came back to mind during the recent desecrations. “There was nothing remarkable in their dress or demeanor,” DiIorio recalled. “I greet every person in church after the liturgy at the main door. They made themselves last in line.”

When the two visitors reached him, he said, they told him that they wanted him to know “that they had moved into the area and that now they will be here.” When DiIorio asked if they wanted to register with the parish, “they had no intention of doing so.” Instead, he said, “they described themselves by names of demons. They didn’t say ‘Cheryl’ or ‘Samantha.’ It was a demonic name.”

DiIorio said police had told him not to provide further details, including the sex of the visitors. He did say one “would have been in her early 50s,” while the second was younger. “They didn’t use the generic term demon. We’re using that to guard against evidence being contaminated,” DiIorio said. “But they used a name that anyone would associate with demons.”

Why, exactly, do the demons’ names have to be confidential? What if I know them? I know a couple of demons, and I’m hoping they weren’t involved. For instance, I’ve already cleared my demon friend Samantha.

Oh, yeah, and Archdiocese spokeswoman Donna Farrell said she didn’t know of any link between the demonic visitors and the vandalism. Satan sells, I guess.

Ill-spirited acts haunt churches in Bucks [Inquirer]

Satanic Cult On Rampage North Of Philly

There have now been three churches in Bucks County vandalized over the past couple days, and we’ve found a culprit: A Satanic cult! Two people went up to Rev. Michael C. DiIorio of St. Michael the Archangel in Levittown after a mass a few weeks back, said they were new to the area and told the pastor they wouldn’t be joining the parish because they were “demons.” And here I thought the people who wrote “God is dead” on the walls were part of a pack of angry Nietzsche followers.

“The boldness of it,” DiIorio said. “To come up and introduce themselves to you in that way.”

After the cops can’t find any demons, the following groups will be blamed: Witches, atheists, unicorns, robots, UFOs, agnostics. I eagerly await Panic Watch’s next update.