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Abridged Daily News Columnists

Stu Bykofsky: Like everything else in Philadelphia, the collection of money from tickets from red light cameras — coming to City Hall soon! — is done incompetently.

(Be sure to read the comments on this one, which currently mention the lack of cleanliness in the city, and suspended Phillies pitcher J.C. Romero.)

John Baer: Arlen Specter hired Joe Torsella’s wife, and Torsella hired Specter’s wife. (This is just like how Lincoln had a secretary named Kennedy, etc.) And now they’re going to run against each other for a Senate seat! John Baer thinks this will lead to a kinder, gentler campaign, which it will — until the parties realize a Senate seat is on the line and they break out the attack ads.

Deborah Leavy: Oh, man, the honeymoon is over for Barack Obama! As it should be, he’s been president for almost a month. But, yes, everyone is super annoying and partisan and oh, no, the world is going to end.

Abridged Daily News Columnists

Stu Bykofsky: “But in today’s wired world, anything that happens anywhere is just a YouTube click away from being seen from here to Alpha Centauri.” Who knew YouTube had a reach of over a parsec! After the ever-popular Alpha Centauri reference, Stu tells all of us to wear red tomorrow for the Phillies.

Then it just keeps going, with Stu writing dogs and mailboxes and subway cars and firetrucks should all be red. Then he makes an ever-popular Plagues of Egypt reference (”If I were Moses, I would make the Schuylkill run red”), and basically he’s saying everything should be red, and, really, I think the lone comment on the column right now sums it up: “Stu… you’re on something NOBODY has ever smoked.” Actually, I don’t really get that either. If nobody has ever smoked it before, how can we know what its effects are? I think I’ve been lied to by an Internet commenter.

Deborah Leavy: John McCain is a racist and the Republicans are suppressing the vote. Or something like that, I dunno.

Elmer Smith: Who knew all you had to do to undo selling the Iraq War to the UN (with Powerpoint!) was to endorse a Democrat for president? Ooh, Colin Powell, everybody loves you again!

John Baer: Best three paragraphs in the paper today:

Meanwhile, McCain’s campaign, in TV ads and on the stump, is calling Obama’s tax- cut proposal a “government handout” and “welfare.” McCain yesterday said it’s “just another government giveaway.”

Whom do you think that’s aimed at?

Oh, I don’t know, maybe lower-income, less-educated white voters for whom “welfare” and “government giveaway” means black people?

Thank you. While we’re on this topic, would you tell somebody at your newspaper what word “thug” is a replacement for, please? Oh, they already know? Oh dear.

Ronnie Polaneczky: Ha ha, some Roman Catholic priests are aghast at other types of Catholics and their liberal ways. (Seriously, this is a pretty entertaining story.)

Abridged Daily News Columnists

Ronnie Polaneczky: Every few months or so, somebody in the media has to do a report about how cab drivers lie and say their credit card machines don’t work (because they’d rather have you pay in cash). Polaneczky drew the short straw this time, apparently, so it’s her turn. And after this report, the cab drivers will go right on telling everyone their credit card machines are broken and they can only take cash.

John Baer: The candidates are now hunkering down and talking about the two most relevant issues to Americans in 2008: the Weather Underground and Lincoln Savings & Loan. (I wish this statement weren’t true, but it is.)

Deborah Leavy: ” It is true that Palin exceeded expectations - the lowest expectations of any candidate in a vice-presidential debate.” Ah, yes, in the storied history of vice presidential debates, no one had expectations lower than Sarah Palin.

Elmer Smith: Oh, yeah, O.J. Simpson is going to prison for life and nobody noticed.

Abridged Daily News Columnists

John Baer: The presidential race is suddenly serious and is going to be decided on the issues this year. Oh, John Baer, you’re such a kidder!

Deborah Leavy: Polls are overrated, but not because it’s still September! No, here’s why: “AND DON’T forget about the other candidates: independent Ralph Nader, Libertarian Bob Barr, and the Green Party’s Cynthia McKinney.” Yes, Cynthia McKinney is going to toss the race in, uhm, somebody’s direction. And how curious of Leavy to leave out the guy Ron Paul endorsed!

Ronnie Polaneczky: Um, apparently donors to animal shelters have their identities protected, and that’s a stupid rule, she says. Oh, hmm, it’s not a rule at all, it was just some employee who screwed up! Wait, what?

Elmer Smith: # of racists who won’t vote for Obama < # of racists needed to swing election. (First ever abridged Daily News column expressed as an inequality?)

Abridged Daily News Columnists

Elmer Smith: Apparently, when this senior at Lincoln High School also decided to enroll early in a program at Temple, Elmer Smith and other adults chastised him. Ha ha, stupid kid trying to get an education.

Deborah Leavy: You know, if you’re going to write about Sarah Palin now, you need to add some new information.

Abridged Daily News Columnists

Ronnie Polaneczky: Forget Elizabeth Edwards; the real victims here are the people who cut checks to John Edwards!

John Baer: Yes, the legislature won’t ever be reformed.

Elmer Smith: Boy, they should probably build those casinos.

Deborah Leavy: “I confess I don’t have six-pack abs. I also don’t have an entourage that includes a head coach, sprint coach, strength coach, two ’stretchers,’ two massage therapists and a nanny. Talk about high maintenance!” Please stop trying to make jokes, Daily News columnists.

Abridged Daily News Columnists

Ronnie Polaneczky: Larry Mendte is actually pretty nice compared to…. umm… Kwame Kilpatrick, Detroit mayor! Yes, but how does Mendte compare to Football Hall of Famer Jim Brown?!

Elmer Smith: This column is about gas prices. “That was the news from Lake Wobegon when I left the country two weeks ago.” What a relevant reference!

Deborah Leavy: It’s about John McCain, or something. There don’t appear to be any random pointless references in this one, but it was about John McCain so I kinda just skimmed it.

Abridged Daily News Columnists

Deborah Leavy: Yes, yes, high gas prices make people use less gas, which is good for the environment; too bad we’re possibly completely screwed by global warming no matter what we do.

Ronnie Polaneczky: Um, so this is a humor column, I think, but she’s also for tour guide regulation. She also points out waiters should know their restaurant menus, etc., so I suppose she is for legislation for all of us to do our jobs at some adequate level. You already thought of the joke: Laws that say columnists have to not suck.

Abridged Daily News Columnists

Elmer Smith: Sam Evans lived to 105 and spend 88 years of his life in Philadelphia. How one man does that, I do not know. Impressive.

Ronnie Polaneczky: Heartwarming story of the day!

Deborah Leavy: “It’s good for women in general if Hillary Clinton roots for Barack Obama,” is kinda what this column is saying.

Abridged Daily News Columnists

Ronnie Polaneczky: Ha ha, parents are so annoying they had to change graduation at Cardinal Dougherty — some of them were blowing airhorns in the Basilica.

Elmer Smith: Hey, we can only do so much international relief, or something.

Deborah Leavy: Yes, Obama really needs to convince the people who don’t like him because he’s black that he’s not a Muslim.