When local sports teams win, the local television just gets absolutely awesome. Here’s Action News sports anchor Gary Papa after the game last night, informing the fans about all the things they had seen this year, including the death of Charlie Manuel’s mother.
More from last night’s coverage coming later today or over the weekend; there were simply some incredible moments. Only the Good Day Philadelphia anchors dancing with mascots on Monday (hint, hint, guys!) could top it.
And now: The details, which will no doubt have you making awful jokes the rest of the afternoon:
Police say he left behind numerous letters explaining why he did it.
Lt. Michael Gaimari says Brooks killed his wife because he was worried how she would fare after he was dead.
Neighbors say the funeral parlor Brooks ran had fallen on hard times and the couple was experiencing financial problems.
Hard times? But people were dyin’ to do business there! Or did the price of bulk caskets, or maybe embalming fluid, go up? Or maybe everyone’s just healthier; maybe the state’s smoking ban proponents can cite this as proof of its effectiveness.
“We can rule out this was an act of domestic violence,” [Gaimari] said, referring to similar cases across the county - some as recent as last month - in which jilted men killed their girlfriends in acts of passion-fueled aggression. “It looks like he did it because he was worried about her well-being in his absence.”
Good thing the paper noted this trend went “across the county” and wasn’t limited to just a section of Atlantic County, or just to undertakers.
NBC 10 has a nice little feature on its website today that basically says Ted Kennedy is going to die soon. As you no doubt have heard, Sen. Kennedy has a brain tumor. And NBC 10 went to a local surgeon at Jefferson — I”m sorry, “Jeff” — who said Kennedy might as well be dead.
“It’s a terminal illness with no cure, unfortunately,” [Dr. David] Andrews said. “It’ll be a victory if he can function independently and get through the day.” Andrews said the prognosis for a person suffering from this type of cancer is grim.
“I don’t think he could ever return to the Senate, not with a tumor like this,” he said. “It’s too debilitating.”
Geeze, quite a buzzkill. Though I do hope one day I am famous enough to get an article saying I will die soon.
And, as such, the Inquirer profiles a couple who has moved from Elkins Park to an unnamed ritzy Center City condo. Oh, and the paper predicts the date of their deaths.
But three of their four children are in Center City. So is the theater. Ballet. Opera. Restaurants. So in the spring of 2005, they moved to Center City. One of the glam condos that are shooting up in Philadelphia like gold-leafed sunflowers. Just the right perch for a couple with another good 10 or 15 years left to get their urban groove on.
Well, at least the paper gave them a range. “You’re going to die by the time you’re 90, but you will live until at least 85!”
Wait, if the death toll is being lowered, then that means… it’s the Second Coming! But, ah, Minnesota? I know I can’t bicker with the Lord and Savior, but… Minnesota? Nothing against it, but, I mean, come on.
Editor’s Note: And things like this are why you should take breaking news alerts with a giant, humongous grain of salt. You know, one of those ones deer get.
Well here’s something a tiny bit better. Auditors hired by the state reported in January the school district had been paying people to teach after they had died. The district denied this charge yesterday, saying it was simply due to sloppy record keeping.
However, to make sure it doesn’t happen again/never happens, the school district has a plan:
The names of dead employees will be removed from the payroll database within 24 hours of notification.
A Conshohocken man, Rick Smith, was killed in a hit-and-run accident in State College. But the Norristown Times-Herald named Rick Smith of Norristown as the dead man. The paper even ran his ninth grade photo, which seems odd for a 21-year-old. (And odd that the paper found his ninth-grade photo but didn’t talk to any family members.)
A West Chester student finds out from frantic friends that a local newspaper declared him dead in a traffic accident. ¶ Rick Smith, 21, is from Norristown and is very much alive.
“I was shaking a little bit. Who wants to see that, your own obituary?” Smith said.
Uhh, hello? You could totally walk around with you obit and get people to do things for you. Or give you presents — “Happy rising from the dead!” — at least.
Hell yeah! Why not go all out? Shoot yourself into space with 10 weeping widows in bikinis doing a gun salute and somebody blastin’ “You Shook Me All Night Long” on a totally kick-ass boom box! Now that’s a way to go!
