Abridged Daily News Columnists

Ronnie Polaneczky: Ms. Polaneczky got a letter from an incarcerated woman who says her son got a pistol from an older friend. (There’s more, but that’s the gist of it.) This column is her attempt to help the kid. All well and good.

Here’s what I don’t really get, though. After being “so floor[ed]” by the letter, she writes:

I search the woman’s criminal record and learn that she’s doing time for assault, theft, forgery and other charges. So it seems that, before the “system” failed her son, she herself did, by blowing her chance to continue parenting him.

This might sound weird: Is this really necessary? The extra information about the woman’s background is fine. But because the woman writes that “this situation shows who the system fails,” Polaneczky needs to note that she, for one, thinks the letter writer should have stayed out of jail for her son. Agreed. I don’t think anybody in America suggests that parents should immediately go out and get incarcerated upon the birth of a child.

But it’s just an aside. The column isn’t an admonition of parents who commit crimes instead of committing to their children. (Oh, that previous one was an 8.6!) I read a lot of newspaper columns, and there are a decent amount of writers who insert in these little asides in every column. That sometimes works for humor, but for serious news columns it’s almost always distracting. This isn’t a particularly egregious example, but I think that is the case here.

I’ll grant there’s a chance that, if Polaneczky hadn’t put in this line, Daily News readers would flood the lines with calls about how she let this letter writer off the hook. Actually, that sounds probable. Hmm.

Elmer Smith: Now that the state might legalize video poker machines in bars, we might be on the slippery slope to table games in casinos! Smith isn’t happy about this. Fair enough, I don’t think he’s a big fan of gambling (or at least our current corporate-controlled form of gambling in casinos here in Pennsylvania). But, actually, adding table games to casinos is a great idea.

I guess the idea is that a person can lose a lot of money in a single gamble at a table. But current slot machines offer the ability to string consecutive plays together with virtually no time wasted; a person can lose a lot of money playing the slots. Slot machines make up around 70-75 percent of a casino’s profits. Slot odds are stacked completely in the casino’s favor. The house always wins, but the house always wins at slots.

Yes, part of the reason slot machines make more money for owners is they’re cheaper to run; table games require dealers and pit bosses and more floor space. As such, there are more slot machines. But slots aren’t glamorous or fun, and the people who play them tend to spend their entertainment dollars on casino trips only on slot machines.

Table games attract customers who spend money outside the casino. Their entertainment dollars are going to things other than gambling. They can spur new construction (say, in a new hotel a casino builds in an attempt to woo these customers). From everything I’ve read and know about casinos, I think adding table games to Pennsylvania’s casinos would improve things on the whole. Adding table games to the casinos already in Pennsylvania is certainly a better idea that video poker terminals in a bunch of bars.

Dave Davies: This is getting long. Let’s just do a pullquote:

Most of my bright and informed friends who read the New York Times and listen to public radio could name the top strategists of the presidential campaigns last year, and can rattle off several Cabinet members today.

But they can’t name three members of Philadelphia City Council or their own state senator.

It took me a while to remember that Larry Farnese is my state senator. I can name all the City Council members, though. I think.

Here’s a trick if you need to just name three: Pick former mayors! There’s a good chance a son with the same name is in City Council.

Abridged Daily News Columnists

Stu Bykofsky: Man, who ever would have thought that the people who write the laws would be treated with kid gloves by the people who enforce them?!

John Baer: Did you know there are places in Pennsylvania that have the same names as corporations?!

Dave Davies: Wait, you mean Vince Fumo did things for certain people and that’s why he got re-elected all those times?!

Abridged Daily News Columnists

Jill Porter: Running a “carriage house” with no heat and all? Not really the best thing for a landlord to do.

Dave Davies: If everyone just goes to the FBI every time there’s a corrupt politician in town, how many politicians are we going to have left in Philadelphia? None, people. Actually, hey, perfect idea.

Carol Towarnicky: Hey, this issue I’m going to write about? It’s all about the kids, that’s what I care about. First time anybody’s done something for the children, I know.

Abridged Daily News Columnists

Jill Porter: “The meticulous streets were awash in yellow ribbons during Desert Storm. It’s a matter of pride.” WHOOOO EARLY 90s! Unfortunately, the column does not mention Zubaz or Starter jackets, but I can only assume they’re all part of this, too.

Dave Davies: Was the economy really going well until very recently? Was the current recession really that surprising? Rhetorical questions for another time. More importantly, here’s what people are mad at Michael Nutter about:

He doesn’t listen to people.

He tries to be everything to everybody, and hasn’t identified clear priorities.

He’s failed to make tough decisions, like taking on the unions and getting employee-benefit costs under control.

His abandonment of tax cuts is a shortsighted, job-killing strategy that encourages the middle class to abandon the city.

Number one is probably a good thing, depending on who he’s ignoring. And how the hell is he going to take on the unions in Philadelphia? Eh, whatever, the more people who hate politicians the better.

Abridged Daily News Columnists

Stu Bykofsky: Because Barack Obama is president, no one should complain about racism anymore. This is pretty much the same thing Bill Bennett said on TV the other night. I would compare Stu to him, but that would be mean. This column is way more upbeat, though.

John Baer: Bob Casey is pals with Barack Obama! What, you mean Obama doesn’t hang out with Pennsylvania’s senior senator, 135-year-old Arlen Specter?

Ronnie Polaneczky: “Two days ago, as I cast my hope for Barack Obama, I didn’t want to leave the blue-curtained cocoon of the voting booth.” That’s the first sentence; I’m not reading any more than that.

Dave Davies: This one is worth a few minutes of your time. It’s a good read!

By the end of the day, “Black Panther” was the second-most- frequently-used search term on Google, and Stalberg was fielding a call from a London reporter asking about Black Panthers’ intimidating white Republican voters at a polling place.

“Basically, it was all horsebleep,” Stalberg said yesterday. “I assured him there weren’t a lot of Republican voters there, and it wasn’t much of a problem.”

Ha, ha. Still a newspaper man at heart, Committee of 70 head Zack Stalberg says “horsebleep” so they don’t have to censor his words.

Michael Smerconish: Two days after the election, political radio host Michael Smerconish is writing about… ways to make the Phillies parade better, of course. I hope Christine Flowers writes about how much she loves Hersheypark tomorrow!

Abridged Daily News Columnists

Dave Davies: This column has been written to correct all the misinformation on conservative blogs about a previous Davies column about street money. Wait, what?

Elmer Smith: Hey, people want to open a charter school just for foster kids!

Jill Porter: Every time Vince Fumo is indicted, the Phillies win a title! Oh, I just knew Vince had done this all for us.

Christine Flowers: “Tampa Bay is a young team, a good team, an honorable team.” Ha, ha, Christine Flowers sports columns are awesome.

Abridged Daily News Columnists

Elmer Smith: A group of free-market ideologues at the Institute for Justice are going to sue in hopes of eliminating the tour guide regulation put through City Council last year. I have some new heroes, ladies and gentlemen.

Ronnie Polaneczky: Be an organ donor, you idiots. And once a majority of people are organ donors maybe the Institute for Justice can campaign to let our survivors sell our organs.

Dave Davies: OMG Dave Davies got to meet noted pop star John McCain and was all ga-ga over what he got to ask him! Oooh!

Abridged Daily News Columnists

Elmer Smith: He thinks your vote matters.

Jill Porter: Hey, apparently — and I know this is kinda wild — people have the right to protest police procedures without being detained by the police.

Dave Davies: Ha ha, here’s a whole column about how L&I never comes out for anything but did come out for these protesters of police brutality. It’s probably my favorite column by anyone so far this year.

Okay, besides that Christine Flowers column where she defended police brutality and then the next week claimed no one defended police brutality.

Christine Flowers: If you vote for president on any issue besides the Supreme Court, you’re wrong, stupid! Anyway, Flowers thinks the federal government should be able to lock up anyone it chooses for no reason. Are you surprised?

Abridged Daily News Columnists

Wednesday
Jill Porter: There has never been a more complicated issue in the history of mankind than Rick’s Steaks leaving the Reading Terminal Market.

John Baer: It’s about Obama, and it’s pretty good I guess.

Thursday
Dave Davies: We now have a strict deadline from the Daily News for the mayor to stop taking advantage of a loophole in the city’s campaign finance laws.

Stu Bykofsky: Stu thinks Bonnie & Clyde should get more than 5 years in prison. Also, he is starting to write awesome endings in every single column.

Maybe the best punishment Bonnie & Clyde got was the public exposure and humiliation.

Thank you, Regina Medina.

Ronnie Polaneczky: This is a column that namedrops other Daily News columnists. Not just at the end this time. Throughout.

Michael Smerconish: Smerconish was quoted by Bill Clinton in a press release! “Independent observers continue to praise President Clinton’s abilities on the stump: ‘I have always said that Bill Clinton is still par excellence among all of them .’”

Abridged Daily News Columnists

Dave Davies: Right, so Obama is going to try to register a ton of people to vote before the primary; the deadline’s March 24.

John Baer: Look, Pennsylvania is “Hillary’s to lose”! Right, so perhaps her campaign will attempt to stop people from registering to vote.

Michael Smerconish: Is there anybody, anymore, who believes the best cheesesteak in the city comes from either Geno’s or Pat’s? Not even anything against the cheesesteaks at the 9th and Passyunk institutions; we’ve just moved on. Why does every writer reference in it in ‘overview of Philadelphia’ columns? It’s kind of the newspaper equivalent of a LOLcat.

Stu Bykofsky: Stu Bykofsky says a half-dozen dogs were at the Dog Justice Rally at Verizon HQ yesterday, along with 50 people. Drag, and PW forgot to film it.