New Gonzo Newspaper To Offend All Philadelphians

Attention, local college grads: Job market got you down? That comparison essay of Swift’s and Homer’s satire not getting you the job at the New York Times you expected? That’s okay. As long as you are skilled in the Gonzo™ style of journalism, you can work for this dude with a business plan of “sort of like that Moscow English language newspaper popular in the late 1990s”:

Sick of the Philadelphia Weekly and City Paper molesting your pupils with pseudo-alternative bile? I am looking to launch a Gonzo-style paper in the fall/winter, with most of the logistics being worked out over the summer. I need a staff. Someone who can design page layouts, a photographer, and some part-time writing contributers. A law student would also be handy to keep us just barely on the right side of libel. More details will be provided later, but you must first prove your Gonzo credentials. Tell or show me in any way you like.

I don’t plan by any means to rip-off the eXile, but if you aren’t familiar with it there is a good chance you are wasting your time. This is a mission designed to offend the general public for about six months and then fail for millions of potential reasons, and we might even be able to make a dollar. Convince me you can work hard to deliver quality Gonzo journalism.

Oh man. I’m totally applying asking to write that column in The eXile where that dude has sex with a hooker and reports on how good she was.

Gonzo Staff Needed [Craigslist]

Daniel McQuade Deathwatch: The Hunt Is On

If you missed the first edition of the Daniel McQuade Deathwatch, then you are missing out. To recap: Philadelphia Weekly is being sold. We don’t know to who yet, but right now the frontrunner appears to be Village Voice Media (née New Times Media).

VVM reportedly doesn’t want the other papers PW’s parent company, Review Publishing, owns — South Philly Review, Southwest Philly Review, Atlantic City Weekly. Perhaps Brian Tierney will snap those ones up instead; I don’t know. But, for now, things are in some sort of holding pattern. Or not. We don’t know here at PW!

But back on point: There is an outside — read: definite — chance that, under a new owner, I will be fired, or at least Philadelphia Will Do will be shut down. Some newspapers don’t like the idea of a blog without much original reporting commenting on the news, as these blogs tend to be popular no matter how bad they are (e.g., Philadelphia Will Do) and newspaper companies can’t have that.

Of course, I don’t know if I’m going to be fired; it’s mere conjecture on my part. Some of you might be saying, “But Dan” — or, possibly, “D-Mac” — “are you just doing this to perhaps shame your new bosses into not firing you?”

No… but… hmm. That’s a good idea.

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Write ‘The Real Da Vinci Code’!

Hey, freelance writers! Do you want to be the next Dan Brown? Well, does Craigslist, that veritable treasure trove of post ideas on days I’m a little tired, have an offer for you!

The story so far….

In 1558., Nostradamus, writing to the King, included comments about the Chaldean System, (numerology). No author attempting to interpret the ‘quatrains’ ever noticed this; and without it, no accurate judgment can be made….

This system produced extraordinary results, which, were emphatically verified by senior researchers at Princeton University.

In addition, the details conform to current theory, including quantum physics, analytical psychology, archetypal mathematics, etc.

I will furnish other details after receiving your resume, and any other details you care to share….

I am sure this revolutionary breakthrough in numerology can only come from a Craigslist want ad. Get to it, people! After all, the only way we know of to contact the afterlife is a mass-produced plastic game from Parker Brothers.

Collaborator…excellent writing skills, non-fiction…. [Craigslist]
March 7: A Freelancer’s Taste Of Anger

Get Berated By Someone’s Father For $100!

Although not all of our city’s college students are the best students, it’s safe to say that even the biggest collegiate slackers in Philadelphia make up what they lack in grades with ingenuity. Consider this Drexel or Penn student posting to Craigslist:

I am in a little bit of trouble with my parents, so I need someone to act like my college advisor and meet with my dad and talk to him about why I am staying in school for another year. I will provide all the information you need and I will tell you what to say.

He is a little bit pissed about it, so he may raise his voice a little, but it wont be too bad.

I will pay $100 for the whole thing plus any gas expenses if you need to travel by car.

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Leftovers: Albert Pujols, Septuagenarian

• Albert Pujols told reporters in the Dominican Republic that he should have won the MVP — instead of Ryan Howard — because he led his team to the playoffs even though the Cardinals won two fewer games than the Phillies. I think we should go easy on Pujols. Look: Sometimes as people get older — say, in their mid-30s — they begin to get a little senile and say stupid things. [AP/ESPN.com]

• Oh, and, yes, you guessed it: Albert Pujols is a candidate for Sports Illustrated Sportsman of the Year. Probably because he always puts the team in front of himself, so much so that he hit .200 in the World Series so his teammates could get all the glory. Yeah. I’m sure that’s why he did it. [SI.com]

• I’ll just quote the reader who sent this in: “I had to read this about four times before I figured out that he wasn’t talking about Amish people in the title.” [Craigslist]

• An Annapolis paper on our city’s fine mayor, John Street: “Sporting a hairstyle not dissimilar to that of Don King, the flamboyant Philadelphia mayor sounded somewhat like the famous boxing promoter when he declared the city was prepared to make an effort to keep the Army-Navy game ‘for all-time.’” Awesome. [The 700 Level]

Hymen-Breaking News

Ladies, the adult film industry is looking for you. Well, if you meet one minor qualification.

We are looking for females with an interest in the adult film industry. Our production company is based in Los Angeles and is on the East Coast in search of fresh, untapped actresses. If you are in the Philadelphia area and interested in a great opportunity, please respond via e-mail with a listing of any related experience and a photo.

Eh, everyone’s got a fetish.

Adult Film Opportunity - m4w [Craigslist]

Cops Shocked To Find People Willing To Sell Sex

For the past three days, Bensalem police conducted a sting operation on Craigslist. And, instead of taking down the racists, bad spellers and people looking for “NSA fun,” the cops instead went and arrested 12 alleged prostitutes and five alleged drug dealers.

The alleged hookers were advertising services for things like “125 ro$e$” on the site, and the Bucks County Courier Times says that some escorts even uploaded photos and videos of themselves to the site — which clearly shows we all need to spend more time on Craigslist. The story continues:

Women, though, aren’t the only ones using the Web site. Their customers are, too, like the man from Yardley who wants a “roseworthy” woman to meet him for “untranslated oral conversation” in his car. Or the two men in Doylestown looking for topless girls to serve as poker dealers.

When you advertise in the back of an alt-weekly (say, PW), escorts, you not only avoid the Bensalem police, but you also help pay my salary. It’s, really, a win-win.

Cops: Sex for sale on craigslist [Bucks County Courier Times]

Unmentionables… On Craigslist?

An ad currently on Craigslist (important parts bolded by me):

This 2-br apartment is completely new - I am the first tenant (just moved in), and you can be the second! 2nd and 3rd floors of a gutted and rehabbed rowhouse includes spacious kitchen/dining room and living room, with hardwood floors, dishwasher, central heat and a/c, washer/dryer in unit, free (not stolen!) wireless. You would have a medium-sized bedroom (8×13) AND a study room off of the kitchen (8×8). If you want the bigger bedroom that is possible too (for a higher share of the rent), but then I take the study. Parking in a secured driveway is available for additional $.

Located on a safe and quiet street, but extremely close to everything - less than a block to the Market Line, 2 blocks from Fresh Grocer, and very close to Penn and Drexel.

About me: I’m a male (late-)20-something academic, fun-loving but reasonably quiet and clean. I’m into cooking, sports (both playing (ultimate) and watching (baseball)), and one other thing which I can’t mention on Craigslist (but you can (try to) mention in your reply).

About you: Essentially, you’re like me. (Well, not *exactly* like me; that would just be weird.) I guess I could care less if you’re into sports, but if you cook that would be awesome, as we can trade off cooking dinner, and the unmentionable thing could be pretty key.

Hmm, wow. Something you can’t talk about on Craigslist? Hmm, so that means it’s not racism, most of your garden variety sexual fetishes, etc. Saying it’s something you can’t mention on Craigslist kind of narrows it down to human trafficking, eating puppies or being a serial killer.

A tipster writes in:

So, let’s take a bet on what this guy is referring to. I vote for eating shit.

Hmm, coprophilia’s not a bad guess, but I’m kind of leaning toward our twentysomething academic being a furry. Feel free to submit your best guesses via email or the comments.

$550 Brand new 2-br to share! (male strongly preferred) [Craigslist]

Sounds Like Someone Got Cockblocked By Pat Burrell

If you want to meet Pat the Bat [Craigslist]

Sometimes, It Can Be Too Big

The following is an ad currently on Craigslist:

i HAVE A 3 FOOT AMERICAN ALLIGATOR ALWAYS HANDLED . HE’S JUST GETTING TO BIG FOR MY SPACE . IF ANYONE IS INTERESTED PLEASE LET ME KNOW

I just came up with a new personal rule: Don’t buy alligators from people who type in all caps.

AMERICAN ALLIGATOR [Craigslist]
Photo by Fritz Geller-Grimm, licensed via Creative Commons