Saddest News Of The Day

But… but… how will our star athletes continue to break world records now?

Also, note well: If you’re going to sell a device used to cheat a drug test, don’t make it this blatant: “The company conducted its business very much in public, including testimonials on its Web sites, including one from a truck driver who said he was able to beat quarterly drug tests by the Department of Transportation using its products.”

‘Whizzinator’ makers to plead guilty [Pittsburgh Post-Gazette]

Defendant Tries ‘Giant Penis’ Defense

The lawyer for a Lansdale man accused of raping a 13-year-old girl wants to have a plaster cast made of his client’s penis to use as evidence at his trial that he didn’t commit the crime.

His defense lawyer, Marvin Gold of Hatboro, on Thursday explained his reasoning behind seeking the cast. He said that his client’s penis is apparently “extremely large.”

Gold also told the court — all of this really actually happened — “It occurs to me that, given my client’s size, it’s unusual there were no injuries.” It appears we’ve stumbled upon the “my penis is too large to commit rape” defense, a close cousin of the “I’m too pretty to rape someone” defense. Classy!

The defense lawyer for Ronald McDade asked last month how he should display his client’s genitals to the jury; after the judge acquiesced to a photo of his penis, the lawyer came up with the idea for a giant plaster dildo. Prison officials refused.

The prosecution is, naturally, opposed to the idea, saying that McDade’s “demand to provide the defendant privacy in prison so that he may… make a plaster cast of his erect penis is outrageous, offensive, and sensational. It makes a mockery of the criminal justice system and this court.” Hmm.

DA opposed plaster in rape case [The Intelligencer]

Ex-Penn Prof. Pleads Guilty To Manslaughter

Ex-Penn professor Rafael Robb pled guilty today to manslaughter charges for bludgeoning his wife to death with a “grab-rail exercise bar.”

At his guilty plea, he said he “just snapped” and apologized to his daughter for killing her mom. “I know she liked her mother,” he actually said. Yeah, no shit. He faces up to seven years in prison.

Penn Professor Pleads to Manslaughter [6 ABC]

Local Bird-Killing Hero Convicted

The man accused of killing a flock of seagulls? Well, yesterday he was convicted of killing said seagull flock, and some day soon he will file an appeal.

Judge Deborah Shelton Griffin said she believed the slaughter of 183 seagulls — six later had to be euthanized — was an accident, but in the law’s view she had no choice and had to sentence Daniel Gallagher to a $14,175 fine, $75 for each dead bird.

(You may be asking the same question I am now: Could I just go down to the pier and shoot some seagulls and all I’d have to do is pay $75? Probably not, you’d be charged with weapons violations and the fine could have been higher.)

The Pennsylvania Game Commission will get the fine from the longshoreman, who has since lost his job down at the Packer Marine Terminal (site of the bird massacre) and now works in Camden. But his lawyer has an ace up his sleeve.

“We don’t know that we agree that in this law there is no room for accidentally killing birds,” defense attorney S. Philip Steinberg said outside court after telling the judge he would appeal.

“Had a bird flown into the back of his vehicle, would he then be guilty?” he asked, adding he would argue at appeal that “there has to be some level of . . . intent to be guilty of this crime.”

No, the real question is: Had 189 birds flown into the back of his vehicle, would he then be guilty?

Man to appeal fine for killing gulls [Inquirer]
Sept. 11, 2007: He Ran (So Far Away) But He Couldn’t Get Away

Can’t Nobody Say Bridge-Burners Get Off Easy

A while back, some kids in Bucks County allegedly burnt down a covered bridge. Although covered bridges are essentially just barns over water, some people really like them. And they don’t want people burning them down. Fair enough; if I liked covered bridges, you probably want them to stay intact.

So we should give those kids the chair:

When it comes to the young adults accused of setting fire to the 134-year-old Knecht’s Covered Bridge in Springfield, Upper Bucks, and other arsons in the Quakertown area, Wayne Siefert shows no mercy.

“I believe a stiff prison sentence will send a message that will deter people from doing this again. It will show that we really care about our historic bridges here in Bucks County,” said Siefert, founder of the Bucks County Covered Bridges Festival, which promotes the heritage and importance of preserving the bridges.

“Those kids got 50 years.” “Shit, Bucks County really cares about its covered bridges!”

Teen arson case heads to court [Courier Times]

SEPTA Transfers Get Last-Minute Stay

Although the SEPTA board voted to eliminate transfers a while ago, everybody waited until late last week to get overly angry about it, most likely dooming any chances of actually keeping transfers and saving people money.

Or wait! Somehow, the delay might not have mattered, as a judge ordered SEPTA to continue selling transfers with a temporary injunction.

SEPTA originally complained it didn’t have any more transfer slips — they apparently buy them individually — but then “found” a bunch of other slips to get through the week. And SEPTA is crying foul:

But attorney Thomas S. Biemer, representing SEPTA, said that the case was simple. “The city is trying to substitute its discretion on how to run a railroad for SEPTA’s discretion,” he said.

Biemer argued that in a case such as this, the court may overturn the decision of a government agency only if the agency exhibited “manifest and flagrant” abuse of its discretion. That did not happen here, he told the judge. In fact, he said, the SEPTA board rejected an alternative that would have raised the cost of tokens for all riders.

“Your Honor is not supposed to substitute your discretion for SEPTA’s discretion,” Biemer said. “Neither can the city. They just don’t like what SEPTA did.”

Oh snap! The injunction says in effect until Monday, at which time SEPTA will introduce a MetroCard-style system with new machines that don’t spit your money out every time.

Judge orders SEPTA to continue selling bus transfers [Inquirer]

Area Man Heroically Defrauds Nic Cage

Newtown Square’s Peter Brotman was sentenced to five years in prison yesterday for scamming $2 million from classic car owners. (And also, apparently, running some sort of “classic Ponzi scheme.”) He sold people’s classic cars, but never paid them, which is a pretty interesting scam. Gee! How could he ever get caught with a bulletproof scheme like this!

It wasn’t all bad, though. Among the victims was actor Nicholas Cage, who lost $300,000 on the sale of three Ferraris and a Cobra. Now, Cage is an alright actor — though he did even manage to overact when the World Trade Center fell on top of him — but, eh… three classic cars? And not just three cars, but three cars he could sell! That means he probably has about 10 of ‘em.

Now, I don’t know how many classic cars, say, Philip Seymour Hoffman or Edward Norton have, but I assume they don’t have three to sell. If those guys had 10 classic cars, that’s fine. They’re great actors. But the star of Ghost Rider and Face/Off? One classic car, at most.

And don’t get me started on Jay Leno.

So good job, Mr. Brotman. Too bad your scam was pretty simple to find out since, uh, all you did was sell these people’s cars and didn’t give them the money. Next time, just punch Nic Cage in the stomach or something.

Local Man Sentenced for Scamming Rich, Famous [6 ABC]

Surprise! Gun-Toting Football Dad Was Right!

Back in October of last year — Oh! It seems so long ago! — a father was arrested for pulling a gun on the coach of his son’s football team. The father, Wayne Derkotch, argued with the coach over his son’s playing time, got into a fight with the man and pulled a gun and waited for police. (Somehow, the ref of the 5- and 6-year-old kids’ game — who made sure the kids were safe and not shot — was arrested, too, but the charges against him were dropped.)

Where was I? Oh, right. So yesteday, Derkotch was acquitted of charges of assault, recklessly endangering another person and possession of an instrument of crime. Turns out, the judge ruled, he was pulling the gun in self-defense after the coach began punching him in the head.

Prosecution witnesses said Derkotch was the aggressor, the defense said coach Jermaine Wilson started it and Derkotch lost a tooth. Hey, it’s just like first grade! Only with a gun!

Assistant District Attorney Randy Hsia was disappointed with the verdict. But he did say this: “An individual cannot pull a gun in response to a fistfight.” Damn, there go my weekend plans.

Parent cleared in peewee-game fight [Inquirer]
Oct. 23, 2006: Outlaws, Raiders Somehow Involved In Fracas

Pa. Man No Longer Allowed To Hunt For Food

Ever spend time in your backyard — what the hell’s a backyard? — wondering just what would make your 4th of July cookout or Memorial Day hoedown even better? Well, there is a way: Have a hunter move in next door!

A judge in Easton yesterday ordered a couple to stop shooting in the backyard of their Lower Saucon Township home. The preliminary injunction prevents the two die-hard hunters from firing at targets or pigeons or whatever. And why did the neighbors seek an injunction against the backyard hunters?

“How would you like to have a picnic at your home and have this guy shooting 18 feet away?”

But things aren’t all odd quotes designed to elicit a “I wouldn’t like it” response. Township police filed 19 gun charges against the hunter, Richard Seruga, but 17 of them were thrown out since he didn’t violate any local gun laws. The township responded by banning shooting within 450 feet of any residence. Sergua is, naturally, claiming conspiracy and has filed a lawsuit. Ain’t this country grand?

Couple ordered to stop target shooting [Express Times]

Ugueth Urbina Moves From ‘Pen To Pen

Former Phillies reliever Ugueth Urbina — who the Phils got for 2006 ALCS MVP Placido Polanco two years ago — has been sentenced to 14 years in prison for his part in a machete attack two years ago.

And by “for his part”, I mean he was found guilty of five attempted murders, illegal deprivation of liberty and violating a prohibition for taking justice into one’s own hands.

As you may remember, Urbina, 31, was accused of attacking five men with a machete after throwing gas on them back in November 2005. Urbina simply said he saw them using his pool without permission, then went to sleep.

Despite all this, well, I’m a little worried about the bullpen this year, and I think the Phillies could really use a guy like Urbina. Does anyone know if the Phils can spring him from Venezuelan jail?

Report: Urbina sentenced to prison in Venezuela [ESPN.com]
Nov. 8, 2005: Breaking: T.O. not worst athlete in town