NJ Cops Discover Photoshop

Sorry I missed this last week! On the Delaware River in Camden is Riverfront State Prison, clearly a great place to put criminals. Anyway, the state is going to close the 16.7 acre site — or at least according to New Jersey law enforcement, who put out the above amazing flier in response.

It’s a minimum security prison, and Camden officials say they’re not just releasing everyone in it to halfway houses — as the unions allege. But, I mean, I think we can trust the police unions, right? I mean, look who’s in there! There’s Kevin Dillon, or maybe Brad Pitt in Fight Club, and then there’s a couple breakdancers, including some guy from that famous breakdancing crew, the Crips. And then there’s a hipster in some band, Latin Kings. There’s also a rapist who is literally ripping off the chains that have bound him, and some murderer who is like an IRA terrorist or something.

The prison, also, is guarded by horrible human-animal hybrids. Ha, ah, look at the guy in the red shirt! What was he arrested for, taking up the whole sidewalk with his legs spread real wide?

If these kinds of fliers are what we can look forward to from prison reform, I’m doubly psyched.

Plan to close Riverfront State Prison causes a stir [Daily News]

Domelights Reaction Better Than Expected

Hey, let’s take a look and see what Domelights thinks about the police officer who wants to wear a Muslim headscarf on the job. I think we all know what they’re going to think, but who knew it would be this good. The first reply from the thread, I swear, is this:

I will personally punch this b*tch in her face. If she NEEDS to wear that scarf on her head, then go get a job a Burlington Coat Factory. We don’t need her.

I love when the first Domelights reply is the best so I don’t have to read any more. But poster CODE3 chimes in later with, “Maybe the threat of physical harm went too far, but I agree about the b1tch part.” That poster also notes he is surprised the Philly.com comments are going against her. Ha!

N.J. Cop Charged With Sex With Cow

A cop in Moorestown, N.J. — America’s greatest place to live, or something — was recently charged with sexually assaulting three girls.

And now, naturally, he’s facing more charges related to sex he allegedly had with a cow. Yes, Officer Robert Melia Jr. allegedly engaged in sex with cows four times between June and December of 2006.

What makes this even more amazing is Terrell Owens was in the background while this man was having sex with cows! Unbelievable!

Officer Allegedly Performed Sex Acts On Cows [CBS 3]
T.O.’s been cropped out of porn site’s photo [Phillygossip]

New Breath Mint Angers Police

It’s not just breath mints from Hershey that anger the local po-po. Duh! KYW 1060 reports area police are upset with a new breath mint called AntiPoleez.

As you can tell, the breath mint is Swiss made. (That’s apparently what police officers look like in Switzerland, and I’ll be moving there later today.) The product’s website gets all complicated on us: “AntiPoleez does not just mask the unwanted odor with heavy mint or fruit sent, it eliminates it and does not leave any other. The unique combination of components work to increase the consumption of odor producing molecules by the epithelium of the mucous coat of the upper respiratory passages resulting in clean, fresh breath.”

Whoa! This is the most controversial breath mint ever! Although the website says not to drink and drive and suggests you use the product if you eat a tuna sandwich and are called to a big meeting right afterward, that the product is called AntiPoleez might give you an idea of what it’s used for: Fooling Prohibition-era police officers after you’ve left the speakeasy. You ain’t gonna get me, Johnny Law!

Hilariously, the head of DARE in Upper Dublin is angry because the product might encourage kids to drink: “Putting a product like this out is saying it’s OK to drink, and it’ll influence them to get in a car drunk, and this will make it OK for them.” In addition to making kids seem like automaton zombies who follow whatever the product near the counter of the 7-11 tells them to, let me remind you that nearly every study of DARE has proved absolutely zero effect on drug use. And some studies say it encourages drug use. Whoops!

Area Police Irked by Breath Mint Marketed as Anti-DUI Tool [KYW 1060]

Michael Nutter Destroys City Hall In Monty Pythonesque Fashion, Prevents Hurricane Schwartz From Securing No-Bid Contract

I really can’t say how much I love this ad. Not only does it have Philly’s inspector general personally creeping up on corrupt employees in the middle of the night, it also reveals no-bid contracts are apparently given out in shady elevator deals. Oh, and, yes, it features the destruction of City Hall by either God or a giant, leading to the deaths of lots of people who apparently work in the building’s tower for some reason.

Oh, and it does pack a lot of information into 30 seconds, but whatever, who cares about that.

More awesome ads after the jump.

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Mutant Police Dog Remains Missing

So where is Scotty, the missing police dog? The dog — who apparently has x-ray vision — went missing from his police handler’s home in Gloucester City on Sunday.

Naturally, pretty much everyone in New Jersey is now searching for him, praying for his recovery, wondering if he’s the reincarnated Barbaro, etc.

So where’s the dog? He might have just joined another pack of dogs, unnoticed:

“Maybe someone will notice a dog in a backyard who wasn’t there before - and report it.”

But this isn’t mere Barbaroism here. There’s a $2,000 reward for the dog’s return. Heck, I’m heading over the bridge right now.

Police dog Scotty remains AWOL [Inquirer]

Exclusive Video Of Darkness

CBS 3’s front page right now fronts the station’s main story: Exclusive video of a police chase from Northeast Philly into Abington and back again!

Hot damn! I, like all Americans, love nothing more on TV than police chases. It combines all the fun of NASCAR (possibly getting to watch someone crash and die) with all the fun of COPS (possibly getting to watch someone escape the police).

Well, someone even crashed in this car chase (but didn’t die)! Not that we got to see it, since CBS 3’s video is mainly pitch black, although we do see a pair of headlights disappear from the screen as it crashes. Where are the spotlights from the news vans? I know this isn’t LA, but come on! Points for this, though: Getting the sparks flying off the guardrail (I guess) as it drives while sliding against it. Other than that, well, uh…

Update: It must be just online. On TV it was a lot clearer, and you could see the sparks were from the car’s flat tire, not a guardrail. The crash still wasn’t that good, though. Alas.

Exclusive: Police Chase-Crash Caught On Tape [CBS 3]

Leftovers: Mannequin From, Uh, ‘Mannequin’ To Head To Be Donated Later This Week

• Sly Stallone donated some Rocky memorabilia to the Smithsonian yesterday. D.C. hipsters seething on their blogs as we speak. [AP/Metro]

• Lincoln University’s athletic director has apologized for his school’s 201-78 win over Ohio State-Marion, and apparently lectured the coaches, too, though as of last night no coaches had been lectured. [Inquirer]

• It’s not just Cherry Hill that’s fighting the War on Smut! Two Burlington strip clubs are suing the township over new laws that bar them from doing pretty much everything. Cue the “But we’re saving the children!” reference. [Bucks County Courier Times]

• The City Controller’s office says that police buildings are substandard. KYW 1060’s Steve Tawa reports the controller had photos showing “showing walls in imminent danger of collapse, basement fire exits blocked by grates, pipes and wire mesh, and prison holding cells beyond filthy.” Oh, goodie. [KYW 1060]

• Oh, and the mayor of Lake Como, N.J., is going to ask Kuwait if the Arab nation will build a $4 million police station for the town. Guh-wah? [AP/NBC 10]

Dead Dog Causes A Million Tears

Nelo, the drug-sniffing dog, was a Brandywine canine agent in the pointless War on Drugs. But when she was accidentally shot by a hunter — who somehow mistook her for a coyote — the people responded with a furor not seen since Barbaro won that one race and then almost died.

Inquirer reporter Kathleen Brady Shea details the public’s outpouring of support for Nelo the Brandywine Regional Police Department has received. Cue the details:

• The department has gotten deluged with calls, 90 percent of them expressing condolences. The other callers have offered to replace the $7,200 dog or are outraged at the dog’s death.
• There will be a memorial service for the dog.
• In a church.
• The police chief of the 17-member department said: “The church can only hold three to four hundred people,” meaning that the memorial service might attract more people than that.
• The service will include tributes, a bagpiper and a K-9 procession.
• The department wasn’t quite sure what to do for the memorial service, so they looked up “canine poems” on the Google.
• The officer who had the dog is taking it particularly hard.
• The dog escaped from his owner/officer when he was startled by a firecracker, and the investigation into his death is still ongoing.
• The police chief said it is too soon “after this tragedy” to even consider replacing Nelo
• The dog has a memorial fund.

Meanwhile, in Philadelphia, four witnesses backed off their statements identifiying the alleged killer of a five-year old.

Update: A friend reminds me that a canine procession would be cute. Aww, I bet it would be!

Many mourn dog shot accidentally by hunter [Inquirer]
Four back off ID in death of girl, 5 [Daily News]

Apple Baggies/Coin Holders Gets Shop Shut Down

Last week, in a criminally underreported story, Northeast Philadelphia headshop Artifax was raided by the police and shut down. Two employees were arrested.

This seems similar to the events last year when Spencer’s in Bucks County was raided by the police for selling bongs and marijuana t-shirts. Officers made the raid after buying “apple baggies,” which the cops consider drug paraphernalia, even though they were marked as “coin holders.” (Yeah, I’m a little confused on all fronts here.)

But that’s not all!:

Artifax has been in business at the same location at least since 1982. A city business permit issued that year itemizes what the shop was allowed to sell, including pipes, bongs, tobacco products, pipe screens, scales, magazines, apparel and gifts. The document includes “drug paraphernalia” among the permitted items for sale.

Although the business permit was still valid at the time of the raid, it is unclear whether L&I defines “drug paraphernalia” in the same context that police define the term.

That’s right! L&I somehow gave them a permit allowing them to sell drug paraphernalia. At least in name. I love this city.

Police think NE ‘head shop’ was one toke over the line [Northeast Times]