Every sports fan has a conspiracy theory about his favorite sport. Juiced baseballs. Collegiate referees betting on games and making a killing. Forced steroid injections.
A lot of these theories are bunk, but this one is true: The NFL is rigged. It’s the only major sport that uses radios. Referees have a lot of leeway about what calls to make. People gamble a lot of money on it. Come on, last year’s Super Bowl? No way Eli Manning leads a game-winning drive to beat the 18-0 Patriots. No way.
Now that I’ve given you this mountain of circumstantial evidence (and not even, really), I hope you’ve come to agree. But don’t fret! It’s like pro wrestling: The actors have a lot of leeway, and it’s still pretty fun to watch. And there’s an added bonus: Since the NFL is rigged, this football season has only one logical conclusion.
The Philadelphia Eagles are going to win the Super Bowl.
Think about it: There isn’t a much better story than Andy Reid and the once-benched Donovan McNabb rallying the Eagles to finally win the big one. Even if it’s not the NFL has to be worried about this city embracing the Phillies after winning the World Series. (The NFL saw only two football moments on that 100 years of Phillymag piece and was totally concerned.)
I hope the NFL doesn’t mind my suggestion here for a way to end the regular season. If things fall as they might, the Eagles and Cowboys’ final regular season game could be a “play-in” game for the playoffs. The Eagles would be 9-5-1; Dallas 9-6. The game goes to overtime. Nobody can move the ball… and the game can end with Donovan McNabb kneeling out for the tie that puts the Birds at 9-5-2 and puts them into the playoffs.
The rest is easy: Beating up on a bad division champ in the wild card round, beating the Giants at the Meadowlands again in the divisional round, et cetera. Now that I’ve mentioned it, doesn’t it all just seem to fall into place?
Who are the only people who will show up to a town hall meeting in York with Sen. Arlen Specter? Simple: Conspiracy theorists and jaded retirees. It must be some sort of cosmic retribution that Specter has to listen to 15 questions of this crap after a life in politics. Actually, I think this is what Arlen Specter’s hell would be like.
Yesterday, Specter fended a question from an old woman about the North American Union, which will apparently combine the U.S., Mexico and Canada and give us one currency, the amero. (Why wouldn’t they just call it the dollar? Weird.) Specter responds, though, with the kinds of tough answers a politician has to give to his constituents every day.
“It’s not gonna happen. We’re not gonna have a union with Mexico and Canada, we’re gonna stick with the good ol’ United States of America.”
I can’t imagine Specter wants to deal with another 6 years of this come 2010, but he is an old white man. Zombie Specter/Zombie Barbaro for president in 2016!
On Dec. 9 of that year, people in North America saw a fireball cross the sky. It crashed near a town about 30 miles southeast of Pittsburgh, and the Air Force showed up and hauled a Volkswagen-sized object away from the site and told everybody not to worry about it, everything was under control.
As you might have guessed, such secrecy by the government only leads to more conspiracy theories and speculation that it’s aliens or thetans or whatever. NASA complements this nicely by losing all the records related to the crash and claiming it was a Russian satellite, changing the story from years earlier.
NASA will now search for those lost records and tell us that it was actually a cow dropped from a helicopter or something.
Warren Sapp, the defensive lineman the Eagles passed on for Mike Mamula, doesn’t eat out on road trips. Is he trying to slim down from his current approximate weight of seven school buses? Is he just a picky eater?
One of those times he said he was poisoned was, of course, the 2002 NFC Championship Game. (Which, uh, the Buccaneers won, 27-10.) “I know it’s real, especially in Philly, come on,” Sapp said.
Come on, indeed. And how is he sure of this? Why, an incident a month after the NFC Championship:
For example, Sapp said that about a month after the Bucs won the Super Bowl, he and a friend traveled from Philadelphia to New York to watch Michael Jordan in his retirement tour at Madison Square Garden. First, they had dinner in Philadelphia, trading plates at the restaurant after their orders came. Then, Sapp said, his friend repeatedly threw up all the way to New York.
I haven’t been able to find a Warren Sapp sighting in any old stories from the Daily News‘ Dan Gross, so if anyone knows what restaurant this incident allegedly happened at, send it over.
But I don’t really know if I follow his reasoning here. You’d think if local restaurateurs had a plot to poison other teams’ food during road trips, the Eagles would have won more than just one of their three straight home NFC Championships. Right?
• And, the award for best columnist ever goes to Richard D. Sloan, left, whose guest column about the Catholic conspiracy behind illegal immigration should be making you laugh so hard until it tickles. This goes all the way to the Supreme Court!, he writes, and maybe it does. Someone needs to give him a regular column. [Fort Wayne News-Sentinel via All Spin Zone]
• It’s Edmund Bacon Day, and none of you jerks even bothered to get me a card. I’ll be buying an airbrushed t-shirt and an overpriced CD at The Gallery to honor the late, great Bacon’s legacy. [Metro]
• Oh, Tanya Barrientos. I really, really tried to poke fun at your Inquirer column about foot fashion and care and… I just couldn’t. It was too bubbly. Plus, those articles are necessary to keep the Inky’s stranglehold on the “suburban fortysomething” market. [Inky]
• That $100 check to pay for gas (or new kicks)? Not so much. The oil companies hated it because they were going to be taxed to pay for it and drivers were confused as to just how much it was going to help and everybody else was like, “Sweet, free money!” Unfortunately, it failed. No new Nikes for me. [AP/CNN]
• Atlantic City’s rally to keep Boardwalk on the board of the Monopoly “Here & Now” edition drew only a few people. Poor Boardwalk. Poor, poor Boardwalk. [KYW 1060]
At this point, everyone pretty much has figured out that the government screwed up regarding 9/11. Whether you blame Bush, Clinton, Congress, the CIA, the FBI, the ATF, the Transportation Department, HUD or that guy who got shot by Dick Cheney, pretty much you realize the government screwed up. (And, even if you’re one of those conpiracy theorists, you still probably blame the U.S. government, just in a sinister way.)
Weldon has made the charge that a secret government program called “Able Danger” recommended taking out Mohammad Atta and two others before 9/11, but the government failed to act. He’s written a book to this effect.
Of course — whether Weldon was being truthful or not — a bunch of military guys said they never saw Atta’s photo and Weldon himself isn’t sure of it anymore. Hmm.
But, fear not! He’s come up with a way to move the attention from his “Able Danger” allegations to something even better, according to the Inquirer:
Yet even as his story triggers more and more questions, Weldon is making explosive new allegations. He says a high-level source has told him that terrorist leader Osama bin Laden has died in Iran, where he has been in hiding.
Yeah, dude, I dunno about that. You think Osama would pass up getting a look at his niece’s reality show?
For the past few days I’ve been chronicling the tale of Matt Donegan (that’s him at left, I don’t know why I just didn’t take his Myspace photo before), fired Dover Post reporter.
Donegan was fired for his personal Myspace blog, where he wrote things like “That gym was a god damned zoo. I can’t believe most of those animals are allowed out of the house. There was a mini-brawl between a couple of black fans (95% of them were black), some kid said he was going to steal my camera and half of the people there smelled like pot.”
Now, Matt says he’s not a racist, and, you know, whatever. I’m sure he has a lot of black friends. But last night, NBC 10’s lead story was about Matt’s plight. Yes, the lead story. I think even Matt would admit it was a slow news day. (And, NBC 10, please don’t say “This is a story you’re hearing first on NBC 10″ when it’s not true. It’s unfair to the News-Journal, who broke it. Update: And again today at 5 p.m., they do it again. Well, not surprising, of course.)
Anyway, Matt Donegan proved last night he’s about as good as Drew Rosenhaus at PR:
“That’s preposterous,” Donegan said when asked if he was a racist. “If you can’t separate that work environment from what I do on my own blog, then you’re a moron. Everything written there was meant as a joke, and somebody doesn’t take it as a joke, then I’m sorry, but that’s your problem, not my problem. If you don’t like it, don’t read it.”
I think I’ve caused enough of a ruckus for one day. It’s time to sleep. I’m unemployed, but I still have to wake up at 8 for a radio interview. Tomorrow will be even bigger than today. I can feel it. I can’t believe how many of you found me after the 11 o’clock news deal. Top fucking story! I just hope my profile is still here tomorrow. If I disappear from here, know that the Dover City Council had something to do with it. Regardless, I will not be censored. I can’t be stopped now. They’ve created a fucking Godzilla monster, a real Mad Dog.
Wow. I didn’t know that Dover City Council had that kind of power. Hmm. Rupert Murdoch must be the president of it or something.
Every sports fan has a conspiracy theory about his favorite sport. Juiced baseballs. Collegiate referees betting on games and making a killing. Forced steroid injections.
• And, the award for best columnist ever goes to Richard D. Sloan, left, whose guest column about 
At this point, everyone pretty much has figured out that the government screwed up regarding 9/11. Whether you blame Bush, Clinton, Congress, the CIA, the FBI, the ATF, the Transportation Department, HUD or that guy who got shot by Dick Cheney, pretty much you realize the government screwed up. (And, even if you’re one of those conpiracy theorists, you still probably blame the U.S. government, just in a sinister way.)
For the past few days I’ve been 
