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Larry Kane Is Serious About NFL Results

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Hey, you know how Arlen Specter is going to destroy the NFL for the benefit of Comcast or whatever? Yeah, well he’s taking his damn Congressional time on it, still not having talked to NFL commish Roger Goodell.

Specter says he’s tried to call, but maybe Goodell gave him a wrong number or something. The NFL sez Goodell will meet with Specter in sunny Hawaii, during the Pro Bowl, perhaps? Fortunately, Specter says all of this could lead to Congressional hearings, which is just a-okay with Television Legend Larry Kane who writes on his magical blog that Specter is right and people attacking him are incorrect. He also begins a paragraph like this:

Also, sports fans.

Anyway, if you head over to Larry Kane’s blog, try to be nice and coherent. Inane comments may fly on the blog of a 12-year-old like myself, but Kane is having a little problem with Hitler comments. No, really:

After the football game, I checked my email and was shocked to find some notes that had come through this website. They were from people who listened to my rather tame conversation on the radio earlier in the day. The language was so foul and hateful, it surprised even me, a veteran of 50 years in newsrooms. The reference to my religion were disgusting.

Welcome to the Internet, Larry! That’s all it is: Anti-semites, racists and porn. Ain’t technology grand?

I Didn’t Even Make A Glue Factory Joke

Honestly, I don’t think all of these are real — though people have contacted my bosses with pretty much equal sentiments — but this is my favorite:

You should walk a mile in the horses hoofs and see if you like it.

I’ll be at the dog show for some of the day. Now there’s an animal I can call advertisers about if someone jokes about dogfighting or something.

Another advantage of being a human over a horse: I don’t have to nail my shoes to my feet.

Wednesday: Dead Horses Found Beaten In North Philly

Coin Collecting/Ron Paul/Horse Hating Will Do

The biggest topics of note on Philadelphia Will Do in recent days, apparently:

I finally went back and re-read the first piece I posted on this blog and I have no idea how I got to this point. (Hell, i don’t even know why I write about the dollar coins at all; they’re not really all that interesting and I think the best joke I made about them I realized I stole from Johnny.)

By the way, this is post number 6,176. Gah.

Comments Finally On Philadelphia Will Do, Yoda Does

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It took all day, but a Ron Paul supporter has finally won my heart with this magnificent comment:

This blog is a B.L.O.G.: Big Load Of Garbage!

A writer this isn’t.
Funny he ain’t.
Stupid he is.

No retort for that I have.

I’ll have more on this Barbaro-like flood of comments tomorrow.

Earlier Today: The Ron Paulcalypse

Anonymous Blog Poster Wants Fistfight

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Don’t worry, don’t worry, youse are all safe, even from the wrath of Mark B. Cohen. The above “Blog comments to be investigated” headline comes from Quakertown, where, indeed, blog comments are going to be investigated. The comments were made on a local news chat forum, so, yeah, it wasn’t a blog but that’s a shorter word to fit into a headline.

Following an angry debate over student performance and other matters, a person who signed onto a local news chat forum as “QCSD Board Member” threatened another poster by saying “…please say that to my face, preferably in the parking lot out back. If you’re a woman, say it to my daughter so that she can tear you apart.”

The anonymous poster then revealed confidential district information and called his or her adversary a “fool” who lacks “the courage to lie to my face.” With a street fighter’s bravado, the poster added, “You know where to find me. I don’t have to hide in anonymity like you.”

With a street fighter’s bravado anonymously on the Internet, of course.

Blog comments to be investigated [The Intelligencer]

Marcus Hayes Will No Longer Talk To Dorks Like You

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Hey! So somebody posting as “Marcus Hayes” posted to the blog entry the other day where I linked the email posted on a Phillies blog.

Let’s all enjoy it below.

Numberheads,

Just letting you blogicians know:
No longer will you, or anyone else, be afforded the privilege (burden?) of corresponding with me. When I reply to an individual it is intended to be a confidential response. Since I can’t trust you, I assume I can’t trust anyone.
It is not meant to be posted on anyone’s blog, and certainly not on a for-profit entity of a direct competitor.
So, no more responses. Can’t trust you, so don’t bother writing.
But then, if you hold my replies in such low esteem, why bother writing?
Of course, this gives many of you more time for your World of Warcraft RPG endeavors.
Happy gaming.
Hope the eczema clears up.
M

Between this and Mark B. Cohen, this is pretty much the greatest week for comments ever. Now can somebody tell me what the hell “World of Warcraft” is?

Tuesday: Marcus Hayes Will Not Tolerate Your Criticism, Nerd

Alycia Lane Bikini Comments, Part 2

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I’ve decided that for the rest of the week — and by “the week,” I mean today and tomorrow — I’m going to edit the words “Alycia Lane” in relation to seeing her in a bikini like I did yesterday.

Today’s winner is Erin O’Hearn, the 6 ABC reporter — who’s quite good, actually — and who is much like Alycia Lane in that she’s a woman and she works on a local TV station.

Yes, I realize I’m “encouraging” the Alycia Lane bikini comments by responding to them, but whatever, now that I’ve figured out how to do a reasonable approximation of scotch tape in Photoshop1, it’s on. If you’re wondering why today’s change isn’t particularly funny, it’s because I’m just setting youse up for tomorrow. Duh. If you’re wondering why the woman in the photo I chose has big breasts, uh, I’m a guy.2

1 Make a new layer, fill in a scotch-tape sized box with light gray (#cccccc if possible) and set opacity to about 50-60 percent.

2 Only half true. It was also the first match on Google Image Search. Laziness trumps everything, really.

Yesterday: Regarding The Alycia Lane Bikini Comments

Regarding The Alycia Lane Bikini Comments

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I’m really torn on this. On one hand, I don’t read the comments for the most part and don’t really care what goes in there. And on the other hand, I kind of like the idea that this is bothering people so much. And that someone has enough time to annoy people like this anyway.

So I’ve reached a compromise. Every single instance of “Alycia Lane” in a comment regarding access to her bikini photos has been changed to “Larry Mendte.”

You can thank me later.

(Oh, yeah, we’re going to have comment registration soon since I’m tired of deleting spam. I expect this to take place in 2028 or so.)

‘Phillymag’, Starring: You!

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This month’s Phillymag contains an article about everyone’s favorite city-sponsored blog, uwishunu, and the entire marketing of Philadelphia to the outside (tourist) world. It’s also about Steven Wells going to Iceland, a guy finding an anvil in Chinatown and “Caroline Bean, a good-looking 26-year-old with a subtle diamond stud in her nose.”

As such, it touches on the little Philadelphia soirée Philebrity and uwishunu held during South by Southwest in Austin earlier this year. And then there’s a little jab at Philebrity’s Joey Sweeney by Phillymag for appearing in an ad Phillymag’s ad department came up with. And then there’s this:

“[H]is recent appearance in a breathtakingly cheesy Philadelphia magazine advertisement supplement… had bloggers and other professional Philly haters on their knees thanking God for the material: “What a fucking douche,” chimed one. “Welcome to the new millennium folks, where having actual wealth is no longer a qualification to be a ‘power couple,” said another. “Selling out is the new in.”

Anyway, those comments by “bloggers and other professional Philly haters1” are none other than three anonymous comments left on this February Philadelphia Will Do post! Gasp, I know. I know youse don’t comment here all that much — perhaps its my, um, acerbic wit — but just look what you can get.

1Are there other “professional Philly haters” other than bloggers/writers? If so, how do I get a job as one? I’m thinking I could just walk around Center City and tell people off, and then somebody could give me money. I mean, writing’s okay and all, but if I could find a way to do fewer work than I am now, I’d jump — well, slowly walk — at the chance. Either that, or Phillymag has discovered the secret: “Daniel McQuade” is actually a copyrighted invention of Review Publishing and it’s actually several guys writing this site, who are indeed bloggers and professional haters.

Leftovers: Half A Billion Dollars For This Crap

• WIP reports that Comcast’s asking price for the 76ers is $500 mil, Comcast Spectacor prez says, “Uh, no.” Is Comcast lying? Or is WIP? We think that, somehow, both are. [Daily News]

• Have a dog? Well, there are some places where dogs can play! Aww. [Inquirer]

• You might think a story about where dogs can romp and play would not attract negative feedback. You might be an idiot. Comment on Philly.com: “RE: Haverford Colleges- What your article NEGLECTS to mention is that YES pets are welcome at Haverford College, BUT ONLY IF YOUR DOG IS LEASHED. Ditto for Valley Forge Park WHAT IS WITH THE POOR RESEARCH? ¶ See, that is what your article NEGLECTS to mention, and that is why even if you want to take your pooch to the park, that each place has specific RULES. Haverford College is a private instituion where access is a PRIVILEGE NOT A RIGHT.” But of course. [Philly.com Comments]

• A bus driver from Bucks County has won his fifth international bus driving title. “The pressure is on all the time. I never take it for granted, because I know that it’s just as tough next time,” said the victorious Larry Hannon, a legend in bus safety. Next, he’s going to take it one game at a time and give it 110 percent. [Bucks County Courier Times]

• Teenager steals necklace; teenager gets run over, shot and killed by senior citizen who wanted his necklace back in Khan Park. [6 ABC]

• Whoa, wait. The culture war isn’t an actual war? TMYK. [Reuters/Yahoo!]