Santorum To Pen ‘Inquirer’ Column I Won’t Read

Islamo-Fascism Awareness Week has been going great so far, in the sense that I haven’t had to write about it. (Now that I’m doing this post, it is going considerably less swimmingly.)

At Penn the event is actually called Terrorism Awareness Week, because the College Republicans wimped out and changed the name because some groups protested. (At Penn, people will protest anything, including — but not limited to — Harlem Globetrotters victories, the sun coming up and giant robots destroying buildings.)

Ex-Pennsylvania Senator Rick Santorum will be speaking at the event, but the real story is buried in this Inquirer article about him. It’s even in brackets!

[Santorum also will begin writing an op-ed column for The Inquirer next month, alternating weeks with George E. Curry, the former editor in chief of Emerge magazine and former Washington correspondent for the Chicago Tribune.]

That’s 26 weeks a year of sweet, sweet Santorum, all over your Inquirer. (Ew.) This was originally reported on by Phillymag earlier this year, but it seemed unlikely Santorum would actually ever write this column.

In response to this new Santorum column, Michael Smerconish will begin writing new columns for three different newspapers a week until he has one in every single paper in the area.

After name conflict, groups begin events [Daily Pennsylvanian]
Santorum presses his case against Islamic extremism [Inquirer]
March 1: ‘Inquirer’ Unaware If We Were Still Interested In What Rick Santorum Had To Say, We Would Have Voted For Him

Hot¹ Penn Columnist Fired For Plagiarism

Ahh, college columnists. You guys crack me up with your righteousness, your fluffy column topics, your ridiculous headshots (note: a link to my old headshot was supposed to go here, but I couldn’t find it), your wordiness and your plagiarism.

Aww, yeah! That last one isn’t the usual for college columnists, but the Daily Pennsylvanian’s Jamie France was fired from the paper for copying portions of her column “All-nighters: A survival guide” from “9 Top Caffeine Fixes,” found on Yahoo! Food in March.

Apparently, “copying” parts of your article is verboten in journalism, even collegiate journalism. (The correct way is to blockquote your “copied” text it and then add spiteful comments afterward.) Both articles cite nine different drinks to keep yourself awake, and the column and the charticle are exactly the same.

But maybe the DP’s editors should have noticed something was a bit off with France’s column. To wit, number eight:

8. Spike Shooter: Desperate times call for desperate measures. I’ve personally never heard of it, but any 8.4-oz .can that can house 300 mg of caffeine without a single calorie has my approval. Note the label that reads, “Don’t drink if under 18,” and “Drink only half a can at a time.”

I’ve “personally never heard” of this drink, which is why I recommend it. Thanks, Yahoo! Food!

¹ Unlike other media outlets, Philadelphia Will Do gets to the meat of the issue right away — often in the first word of the headline. And, so, judging from her column photo, Jamie France is indeed what they call “hot.”

Daily Pennsylvanian Orders Venti No-Foam Chai Plagiarism Latte [IvyGate]
Jamie France | All-nighters: A survival guide [Daily Pennsylvanian]
9 Top Caffeine Fixes [Yahoo! Food]

‘Inquirer’ Next Top Model

If you didn’t pick up Sunday’s Inquirer, you missed one of the best front sports pages in a while. Almost everything on the page was a headshot of some sort, including a whopping four columnist mugshots. (But, really, the photos were cropped tightly on the faces, too. It was like 16 eyes staring at me while I read skimmed the front page.)

A word on the Inquirer columnist headshots: They’re weirdly lined, as if on an old television or the Rocky steps. (You can click here for a giant example of Jim Salisbury in scan-o-vision.)

Nonetheless, thse are headshots for public consumption, and so I decided to play Tyra Banks and introduce Inquirer Next Top Model, a beauty pageant of sorts for the four columnists on Sunday’s front sports page. Let’s go over the four, in alphabetical order.

	Bob Ford. Ford has a natural enough looking smile, but is that right eyebrow smaller than the left? If you want to be a columnist, you gotta get your eyebrows plucked before the photoshoot. However, the laugh lines are a nice touch; it shows Ford doesn’t take himself too seriously, a rare trait in sports columnists.
	Ashley Fox. An excellent touch for Fox to keep her hair down for her columnist photo. Her smile seems a little too big, but it again shows she’s not taking herself too seriously. (Good job, Inky!) And there doesn’t appear to be any sort of eyebrow malfunction. Bonus points, too, for the porn star-esque name.
	Jim Salisbury. Salisbury is clearly a man of serious baseball writing with his stoic expression and collared shirt. I expect him to start debating Plato’s The Republic halfway through his column. And, really, could the photographer have gotten a little closer? I don’t know if I can see his nose hair well enough with this close-up.
	Stephen A. Smith. Hello, professor! Smith has the whole Poindexter look down pat right here. The glasses and suit look — for a sports column! — brings a whiff of superiority and smugness, which is sort of like his writing. (Ba-zing!) However, I’m willing to give Smith a pass here: I’ve been on many a press conference, and sportswriters need to be given every example they can on how to dress better.

We now have to declare a winner. The victor is none other than Ashley Fox, which I guess makes her a victress. (You, of course, didn’t really need me to tell you — of course I was picking the woman. I’m such a pushover. You can complain if you wish, but, really. It’s a contest I came up with in five minutes.)

I’ll finish up with a quick punny ending: Ashley may be a simple sportswriter, but in this contest she’s certainly a fox. (Ugh. That was so bad.)

Sexual healing

I love the daily “Your Turn” column in Metro. One, because sometimes they let people run bylines just as, say, Mickey Z. Sometimes the opinions are a bit crazy, the writing is bad, you know, usual reasons why newspaper columns are fun to read. (Sometimes the columns are good, too, but what fun is that?) Anyway, today’s column isn’t crazy or anything, but the pullquote caught my attention:

Mr. Johnson, I respectfully disagree.

And with that, I’d like to introduce my “Sex for 15 minutes of fame on Philadelphia Will Do” promotion. Pick up an entry form at your local supermarket.

Metro Philly
Dec. 14: When you think opinions, you think Mickey Z!

When you think opinions, you think Mickey Z!

The headshot and byline from a column in today’s Metro:

Oh. Right. Famous freelance writer Mickey Z. What will he say next?

U.S. Editions [Metro]