Penn Sorority Girls: So Boring

Hey, Beige Block - which sorority will have the hottest pledge class this year? Which frats should you avoid at all costs?

No, it’s not Gossip Girl, but gossip Web sites can offer freshmen going through the rush process a wealth of information.

Hey, Daily Pennsylvanian, thank you for writing this story, because I bet it’s going to be awesome.

JuicyCampus features a running commentary of the sorority rush experience, with posters asking fellow rushees “who had the best skit?” and comparing the wait for bids to be announced to “purgatory.”

In addition to frequent posts rating Penn’s different chapters, both sites feature users’ observations about the organizations.

On College Confidential, members of Delta Delta Delta are called “the college equivalent of the high school cheerleader” and Kappa Alpha Theta members are described as “notorious cokeheads, though this is really more legend than reality.”

Look, I was right! Everyone knows those Theta girls are total lightweights.

Interfraternity Council president and Wharton senior David Ashkenazi said he doesn’t read any online gossip Web sites but said that there is “probably a lot of positive and negative stuff on Facebook and elsewhere online.”

However, he added that relying on these sites does “the fraternity system at Penn a disservice by not getting to know the frats individually.”

Similarly Panhellenic Council president and College senior Drew Tye wrote in an e-mail that she has never visited JuicyCampus “because I feel it unjustifiably labels people.”

The head of the sororities at Penn has never visited a gossip website!? What is going on over there! First the coke sorority is deemed a legend, and now the head of all the sororities is eschewing gossip? Someone needs to put things right at Penn, and fast.

Spotted: Online gossip creeps into rush [Daily Pennsylvanian]

Look How Awesome Phillymag Used To Be

I got Phillymag’s December issue, the one with the top 100 moments in the last 100 years, in the mail yesterday. The above is included in their “misses” section, where the magazine chronicles all the horrible failures it has made in the past 100 years. (It’s by far the best part of the issue.)

Above: Several Phillymag drug articles, which they claim to want to take back. Personally, what seems most embarrassing is writing a feature story about crack in 1994. That’s four years after Bugs Bunny, Garfield and the cartoon version of Alf successfully ended the crack panic with Cartoon All-Stars to the Rescue. Geeze.

Obama May Be All Over Pennsylvania…

A fancier sign, indeed, but the Obama camp knows the importance of placing its sign below Philadelphia Weekly’s. I hope The Hopemonger stops by himself so I can try to pitch him on my “I did blow with Barack Obama and all I got was arrested” t-shirt idea.

Related: Obama ahead in local Pa. campaign offices [Inquirer]

Cops Now Have World’s Greatest Coke

Hey, the Philadelphia police made a big cocaine bust on April Fool’s Day! The narcs got 300 kilos of cocaine and have claimed it’s worth $22 million.

The average coke price in a metro area like Philadelphia is $25-30 grand per kilo of coke. (Cocaine, like soda, is measured in metric.)

The cops are therefore claiming an incredible $73 grand per kilo, which means they totally have the purest cocaine ever. Or the $22 million the cops are claiming is just moon money, and, really, who cares? But why not go higher. “The cops seized a kilo of cocaine today worth a hillion jillion dollars. Now none of you kids go into selling drugs to make all this money!”

Update: The teevee says it’s actually $28 million worth of coke! No word if this is correct, but it’s just as correct as the original number, so who cares.

No fooling. Cops seize $22 million of cocaine [Inquirer]

WaPo Prints ‘Cokehead’ Obama Quote!

Hells yeah, Barack Obama knows how we roll. Er, I mean: I was thinking of starting to reference Obama as “cokehead” in posts, hoping that his supporters would come to the comment, call me a jerk and then I would calmly retort with information about drug policy reform and we’d all learn an important lesson.

I ended up not doing this because it’s stupid. But it doesn’t matter, because the Washington Post printed a quote calling Barack Obama a “former cokehead”:

Erick Erickson, editor of the blog RedState, wrote that voters should be wary of “the liberal anti-gun former cokehead whose feminist wife hates America.”

Yeah! You tell ‘em…uh, blog editor Erick Erickson! This quote comes from Howard Kurtz’ column about how the liberal media is letting Obama off the hook for worshiping the wrong God, hating America and smoking crack with former Howard Stern personality Crackhead Bob. Glenn Greenwald is very angry about this column, as usual.

I wouldn’t piss off the cokehead/former cokehead voting bloc, though. I have seen mirrors with text on ‘em: “I’m a cokehead, and I vote!”

Oh, and Obama’s friend or backer or something — but not Barack Obama — goes on trial today for bribery; Obama could actually be called to the stand! Yeah, that’s a little better of a scandal, though things are going to have to heat up if he wants to catch Walnuts McCain’s wacky scandal of wanting 100 more years in Iraq and fewer jobs in America.

The White/Snow Puns Have Been Exhausted Already

Police said yesterday a man sent cocaine in Christmas cards to Philadelphia from Peru. He got caught, somehow, and now we have puns like “white Christmas” and “Muletide greetings” (ha!).

The message in the card, in part (this is translated from Spanish, I believe):

“I’m sending this card, which makes me so happy, and through it I want to express immense affection toward you.”

With cocaine? Yeah, okay, that sounds about right.

Muletide greetings [Daily News]

Drug War Gets Another Villain Off City Streets

So a lawyer was going to visit his client in jail, and, whoops, this lawyer had coke on him!

So what was he doing, trying to smuggle in a stash of cocaine for his client? Nah, of course not:

[D. Scott] Perrine last night described the incident as a misunderstanding. Before visiting Curran-Fromhold, “I had a meeting with a client and his mother, and she had brought out [the vial] to demonstrate what she has to put up with,” Perrine said. “There was nothing really in it at all, and that vial is what was found in my briefcase.”

Perrine’s attorney, Larry Krasner, said there were .001 grams of cocaine in the vial - roughly 1 percent of the normal amount of cocaine that would be sold in the type of vial found in Perrine’s briefcase. Police officials confirmed that the amount of cocaine in the vial was minuscule.

Phew! It’s a good thing this menace to society has been arrested.

Visiting jailed client, lawyer had coke vial [Daily News]

Katz Comments On Cocaine-Related Election Loss

Not content to just hear former mayoral candidate Sam Katz in the Philadelphia Will Do comments? Well, you’re in luck! Today marks the release of the DVD of The Shame of a City, a mockumentary about what it’d be like if the incumbent mayor came up with an pretty ridiculous lie and it convinced a majority of the city to vote for him.

Ha ha, just kidding! It’s an actual documentary about that actual event and how it happened. You see, during the run-up to the election, a bug planted by the FBI was found in Street’s office.

The Democratic machine immediately realized how this could be spun: Evil warmongers George Bush and John Ashcroft were attempting to find a way to indict all Democrats in politics, even mayors of large East Coast cities. This was, of course, utter bullshit, but that didn’t stop people from believing it. (I really thought I had mocked the idea Bush was attempting to get John Street about it in this old column of mine from college, but apparently I didn’t. Oh, and that column’s not very good, but it does contain a reference to John Street’s bumbling, which means my jokes haven’t gotten any different in four years.)

Anyway, Sam Katz actually has a commentary on the DVD, which The Bulletin tells us is most interesting and angry. (If it’s half as good as the R. Kelly commentary on Trapped in the Closet, it’ll be great.)

More »

Upstanding Citizen As Much Of A Liar As Rest Of Us

Anthony James Zasa Jr., a former high school wrestler who handed Shute his first loss and got the hot older babe, worked at national youth rehabilitation org VisionQuest, helping kids get off the drugs for 25 years.

Well, it turns out he was doing something else, too: Working for a Mexican drug cartel smuggling cocaine and crystal meth into the country. Of course!

Federal authorities said Zasa and his brother attempted to send $4 million of cocaine across the country in a motor home. (Oddly enough, this was the original plot of the Robin Williams family comedy RV.) His brother was caught during a routine traffic stop and then decided to rat on Zasa and other partners in the drug smuggling scheme.

Much like the gay naked meth-dealin’ principal, Zasa isn’t alleged to have used his connections with VisionQuest to sell any drugs to kids. All the people in the organization are shocked and confused.

DEA Special Agent Douglas Collier chimed in:

“You don’t normally start a business with 466 pounds of cocaine and 75 pounds of methamphetamine.”

Ha, Special Agent Collier, clearly you’re forgetting a little website called Amazon.com.

Life of caring was a cover, officials say [Inquirer]

Philadelphia: Next Great American Cokehead

Seriously, there’s been a lot of cocaine news this week. First there was this headline, and then the Convention Center landed this NA convention, and yesterday a guy was arrrested for allegedly letting a baby get into his coke stash.

Yeah, yeah. Three’s a mini-trend, you say. Okay. How about four coke stories this week?

This latest story involves a man, who — when asked by the airport security guard what the bulge on his knee was — ran away, barefoot, through the terminal. He was eventually caught and arrested.

There’s nothing left to say but that Philly is just crazy for coke. Huzzah!

Passenger arrested after barefoot chase through airport [Inky]