N.J. Teen Threatens To Kill Chuck Norris

A kid from Pennsauken was arrested for allegedly compiling a hit list.

And look who was on it!

Laughlin said he did not know whether the student had specifically threatened to kill those listed: three students, a school staff member, and actor Chuck Norris.

Oh, come on. Who hasn’t specifically threatened to kill Chuck Norris at one time or another? I mean, especially after paying a few bucks bucks to rent A Force of One.

Frankly, I’m surprised Rick Astley wasn’t on the list, either.

Actor Chuck Norris on S.J. student’s hit list [Inquirer]

Better Living Through Television

Every once in a while, I get excited that I have 1500 Comcast channels and don’t have to watch the Phillies lose another one. What’s awesome about what I’m watching now is this movie is totally better in Spanish.

Sexy Female Pirate Ninja Zombie LOLCats Are Chuck Norris’ Base, Killin’ His Doods

The rest of Pennsylvania is an interesting place. It seems content to simply kill us with nuclear fallout and also they have ninja robbers.

Female ninja robbers. Out near Pittsburgh, two women dressed as ninjas robbed a convenience store. Weird, you think they’d go after a bigger target. They’re ninjas and all.

Police said the two women — one with a dagger, and the other carrying the sword — entered a Sunoco station in the 5600 block of Route 8 at about 3 a.m. [...]

“They were all covered in black and carrying swords, so it did appear that they were dressed like ninjas,” said Chief Robert Amman of the Northern Regional Police Department. “Swords, daggers could be used to seriously harm victims, so this is a very serious crime.”

If there’s one thing I know about the Internet, it’s that it loves stupid shit like ninjas. (And zombies and cats and Chuck Norris and All Your Base Are Belong To Us!) So here’s my ninja post of the day to get more and more Google hits to this site. LEAVE BRITNEY ALONE!

Female ‘Ninjas’ Rob Richland Gas Station With Sword, Dagger [The Pittsburgh Channel]

Insurgents Felled By Roundhouse Kicks To Head

Yes, that’s right: A bizarre conservative “news” website has an article about how Chuck Norris went to Iraq and it’s actually much better than the liberal media would have you believe! No, really.

Norris said in an e-mail from Iraq two things have become very apparent as he has traveled from base to base: The “surge is working” and “morale is up – way up!” [...]

“It is so much safer and more relaxed, particularly in the Al Anbar province,” Norris said. “It is so much better than often conveyed by the liberal media.”

I’m not quite sure I can work anymore, folks. If reality is like this, how the hell am I suppose to make jokes? They can’t possibly top Chuck Norris saying the liberal media is ruining the Iraq War.

Reinforcements sent to Iraq – Chuck Norris! [WorldNetDaily]