This Was Necessary

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Christmas Trees Are The New Crack

KYW 1060 asks in an ominous headline: Weak Economy Affecting Local Christmas Tree Sales? Oh, no! Fewer Christmas trees means fewer ornaments and garland sales, fewer garland sales means more dollar stores close, fewer dollar stores means certain doom for the U.S. economy. What will we do?!

But, oh, wait, should probably read the story:

Gary Hague has been selling trees out of his Hatfield farm for a quarter century now. Growing them for 35. And one thing he’s learned over that time:

“People are going to have a Christmas tree no matter what. If that’s their tradition, they will get a Christmas tree.” Then again, it’s not like they can just stop on a dime. It takes about 10 years to grow a tree for holiday harvest. Still, Hague’s been doing some informal checking around with neighbors and friends, and they’ve told him they’ll be buying when the time comes, starting just after Thanksgiving.

And so the story’s thesis is already broken. Whoops! To be fair, “checking around with neighbors and friends” is a better kind of evidence than “none.” It’s good to know that Christmas trees are such an American addiction this economy won’t be stopping anyone from purchasing one.

Photo by My Aim is True, licensed via Creative Commons

Presidential Election Distracting U.S.

While Byrne says the toy industry is typically “recession-resistant,” this year also has the presidential election, which could distract some shoppers, and five fewer shopping days between Thanksgiving and Christmas than last year.

According to this Associated Press article on toys and the recession, the presidential election will distract our nation enough to cause fewer toys to be sold this Christmas. That means a drop in tax revenue, a loss of jobs and pretty soon we’ll look up and notice Iraq has invaded and taken over the United States.

Why do Barack Obama and John McCain hate America? That can be the only reason they continue to keep this election going instead of just having it, say, tomorrow. Please? Can we please have it tomorrow just so it ends? C’mon, what’s the worst that could happen?

Street’s Last Act To Whip City Into Shape

Leave it to John Street to introduce an initiative that references the 12 Days of Christmas… after Christmas. Yes, one of the mayor’s final acts in office is the city’s new health initiative.

You may remember John Street as the guy who’s in actual shape and who takes care of himself, unlike a previous mayor who shall remain nameless. Street got the city out of the pointless #1 spot in Men’s Health’s fattest cities list, and now he’s doing belated Christmas caroling.

“On the twelth day of Christmas, the Mayor gave to me, 12 celebrations, 11 bikin’ buddies, 10 acts of kindness, 9 sunlight minutes, 8 tips on eating, 7 hours of resting, 6 lung expansions, 5 super greens, 4 luscious fruits, 3 action workouts, 2 water jugs, and a health plan, en-tire-ly FREE!”

Whee. Now that’s a convincing list to get you into shape.

Merry Christmas From Philadelphia Will Do

May your Christmas Day be as joyous as the day you heard the news this stupid horse was finally dead and you’d never have to hear about him again. That’s how it went, right?

Santa’s Elves Need A Better Union

Every year, children write letters to Santa Claus. Santa’s too busy making presents (or, rather, making plans to outsource it to Chinese elf labor) to respond to all the letters, so post office workers do the deed for him.

Only, uh, now the post office is making everyone who answers letters for Santa provide photo ID and sign a liability waiver because it’s worried about sexual predators. While the waiver is also to absolve the post office of any liability in case of a lawsuit — maybe if little Johnny didn’t get that Nintendo Wii he wanted, he’ll sue Santa — apparently the whole thing is for, uh, protecting the children.

A corporation or nonprofit must promise not to hold the post office responsible for legal action that might result from “authorized or unauthorized handling, use and response to the subject Letters to Santa by any person.” [...] Worries about sexual predators, identity theft and frivolous lawsuits make it imperative that the names and addresses not fall into the wrong hands.

“Protecting our children is our No. 1 concern, so we want to know who is requesting the letters,” [Doylestown Postmaster Eileen Wilkinson] said.

More »

Scrooges In North Philly

The Inquirer’s Amy Rosenberg writes today about a street in North Philly that’s full of Christmas cheer.

Almost every house on the 800 block of North 10th Street is decorated in a smiliar fashion, and the neighbors walked around exchanging presents. (”And so you had Joan Adams in her white bathrobe leaning out of 810 and Marva Lazenbury in her turquoise and pink paisley silk bathrobe and pajamas leaning out of 806,” as Rosenberg puts it.)

But the Inky also blows the whistle on those who didn’t join in the decoration:

Pretty much the only ones who opted out of the decorations were the Jehovah’s Witnesses who live in two homes and the Sturgis family at 807 who, for various reasons, just couldn’t find the time this year.

Not to mention the undecorated house of Glenn “Hurricane” Schwartz.

A block reborn, a neighborhood united in sharing [Inky]
Archives: Hurricane Schwartz

Breaking: Inky/DN Reporter Worker Suspended

The Newspaper Guild sent out a memo today warning about, uh, crossing Brian Tierney? Or something. Here’s the memo:

The company today has suspended an employee suspected of producing literature critical of Brian Tierney and the company’s contract proposals and posting that material throughout 400 N. Broad St.

Company managers told the Guild the material was found on the employee’s computer hard drive and that videotapes show the employee putting up the literature around the building. An investigation continues with termination possible.

Jesus, videotapes of the event? It’s like effing CSI over there. Still, if you do something anti-work on your work computer, they can usually easily find out. But this seems kind of, well, isn’t it a few days before Christmas?

No word on who the employee is. Postings were found up in the Inquirer newsroom, so it’s likely an Inky person. Full memo after the jump.

Update: Not a news person, according to people who know. (And people in the comments.) So, uh, not nearly as fun. Sorry for the headline, I mis-typed. Merry Christmas!

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Hurricane Retreats From War On Christmas

Allow me to update — late, sorry — the ongoing battle of Glenn “Hurricane” Schwartz against Christmas.

The Inquirer’s Michael Klein reported Tuesday that Schwartz refused to read a promo about Santa before his newscast because he’s Jewish. This pissed all the Christians off, with Santa, of course, being the chief honoree of Christmas.

But Tuesday night, Schwartz led off his weather forecasts at 6 and 11 p.m. by raising the white flag:

He labeled the report as “absolutely untrue” and “apologized” that “some of us were left with the impression” that he has anything against the holidays. He mentioned that Christmas symbols have been part of his reports and urged viewers to have a merry Christmas, a happy Hanukkah and a joyous Kwanzaa.

Hmm. He labeled the report absolutely untrue, yet he apologized! Looks like Schwartz has been defeated in the War on Christmas. Santa must be proud.

Weathercaster comments on report [Inquirer]
Tuesday: You’re A Mean One, Mr. Hurricane

You’re A Mean One, Mr. Hurricane

The Inquirer’s Michael Klein reports today that, well, Glenn “Hurricane” Schwartz is a a member of the frontline infantry in the War on Christmas.

The NBC 10 chief weatherman, Klein reports, refused to read a voice-over about Santa leading in to his forecast. When asked about it later, Schwartz said he refused because he’s Jewish. As we all know, Christmas is the time when Christians celebrate Santa Claus’s victory over the Jews.

Either way, Schwartz wouldn’t comment, saying his War on Christmas didn’t “belong outside the station.” Oh, it’s out now, Glenn. And we won’t tolerate your war on Christmas and its honoree, Santa. It’s on.

Inqlings | ‘No Santa’ clause at NBC10? [Inquirer]