Abridged Daily News Columnists

Christine Flowers: How many times will the Daily News allow Christine Flowers to write that the Boy Scouts do not have a policy of no gays when they do, indeed, have a policy of no gays? I dunno. Whatever.

Jill Porter: What’s awesome is in a column criticizing people for praising the guy who shot another person at the Riverview Movie Theater, Jill Porter doesn’t criticize him, only the gun he used.

Stu Bykofsky: The Mummers parade was shorter this year!

Abridged Daily News Columnists

Jill Porter: Someone sure did something nice for the subject of this column.

Elmer Smith: Hmm, I dunno, maybe the Fort Dix Five should get a fair trial, but I’m not really sure. (That’s really a thought in this column.)

Christine flowers: Yes, Christine Flowers on Caroline Kennedy! Let’s take a look:

ABOUT A YEAR AGO, Neil Diamond finally revealed the inspiration for his song “Sweet Caroline.” He of the impressive sideburns said that it was while looking at a picture of Caroline Kennedy in the ’60s that he was moved to write his signature song.

Aside from the slightly creepy aspect of a grown man taking a prepubescent teen as his muse

Get that, Caroline Kennedy? You can’t be a senator because Neil Diamond is a pervert, maybe!

There’s also some stuff about how Caroline Kennedy doesn’t even use her law degree, OMG, and man, we don’t even really know what she does and we surely can’t look it up or anything.

It doesn’t matter, though, I’m pretty sure Caroline Kennedy is already a shoo-in for the senate seat.

Abridged Daily News Columnists

Christine Flowers: This column is about Plaxico Burress. She’s writing about football (okay, kinda) for the second straight week! Your new Daily News sports columnist, Christine Flowers.

Jill Porter: Yeah, Ed Rendell was just tellin’ it like it is, that woman really does have no life! Side note: I — gasp! — enjoyed this column. Good quote choice, not over the top, even thoughtful. Also, it noted this, which I somehow missed before:

The open microphone on Tuesday apparently also caught Rendell saying of Sarah Palin:

She’s “not a genius, but she has very good political instincts,” he said, according to a political Web site.

Oh, Ed Rendell, I hope you never change.

Elmer Smith: This is about the bailouts, and it uses the “we can put a man on the moon, but we can’t” argument. But, eh, again, it’s a perfectly fine column. I can’t even really find anything to hate in Christine Flowers’ column today. Welcome to Bizarro World, people.

Abridged Daily News Columnists

Ronnie Polaneczky: “The healthy heart of a community - the bricks-and-mortar embodiment of its best, most hopeful and egalitarian self. Close a library and you still a neighborhood’s beating heart.” What? Are you going to tell me the beating heart of Logan Circle is the Central Library and not the giant heart in the Franklin Institute?

Christine Flowers: Here’s my favorite part of Flowers today:

Some judges think we should not elevate their deaths above “the rest of us,” those without the bulletproof vests and the shields. Some citizens think that color excuses criminality, or that poverty is an explanation for antisocial behavior, or that grief is misplaced for those who willingly enter a dangerous profession.

These sentiments are heard in the streets, seen in the courtrooms, read on the letters page.

But they are wrong. Decent people understand it. The rest are irrelevant.

When using a strawman argument, you’re allowed to tear it down a little better than, “Well that’s wrong BECAUSE I SAID SO!”

Abridged Daily News Columnists

Jill Porter: “LOOK! Men in high heels! I assume I’ve got your attention, because what could be more curious than guys with hairy legs and heavy socks in four-inch patent-leather pumps?” Umm, off the top of my head:

• LOOK! Women in high heels!
• LOOK! Women in [anything besides a burka].
• LOOK! Free heroin!
• LOOK! Free Hershey’s IceBreaker Pacs!
• LOOK! Busta Rhymes!
• LOOK!

Elmer Smith: Fourth graf: “I was colored when I left home for Fort Jackson, S.C., in 1965. I had become a black man by 1968.” Oh, that’s a great line. I’m going to stop there because I don’t think it can get better than that.

Stu Bykofsky: Barack Obama better not get too close to “far left” bloggers — whatever that means — or he’ll be recalled or impeached or something!

Christine Flowers: I actually need to email Christine Flowers to ask her a question before I recap this column. Update to come.

Update: I actually emailed her, concerning her column today. Then I realized I didn’t care so I had any reply automatically sent to the trash! (Not really, I’m far too lazy to do that.) Consider this your Christine Flowers abridgment for today.

Abridged Daily News Columnists

Elmer Smith: Boy, Barack Obama and Michael Nutter sure are politicians during this time of financial crisis.

Ronnie Polaneczky: She begins this column with the a “bitch” Vince Fumo wanted to shut up, and the, ha ha, guess what, the bitch was actually a dog Fumo allegedly put a hit out on.

Christine Flowers: Flowers really thought the world was going to end because Obama won. Wait, what?!

Abridged Daily News Columnists

Dave Davies: This column has been written to correct all the misinformation on conservative blogs about a previous Davies column about street money. Wait, what?

Elmer Smith: Hey, people want to open a charter school just for foster kids!

Jill Porter: Every time Vince Fumo is indicted, the Phillies win a title! Oh, I just knew Vince had done this all for us.

Christine Flowers: “Tampa Bay is a young team, a good team, an honorable team.” Ha, ha, Christine Flowers sports columns are awesome.

Abridged Daily News Columnists

Elmer Smith: I just woke up. (Whoops!) I read this column three times and my eyes glazed over. You’re going to have to do this one yourself if you’re interested, especially since I still have Jill Porter and Christine Flowers to get to.

Jill Porter: Jill Porter’s doggy is sick. Sad! One can only hope the writing about her dog is not so popular that her columns turn into the next Marley & Me.

Christine Flowers: Oh, no, it’s a Christine Flowers column headlined, “One tiny vote for John McCain.” It’s going to be about abortion! I bet people who murder abortion doctors will even find it annoying. Hold on I gotta read it.

Eh, it was more pointless than boring, and Flowers wrote lies as usual — she might as well have just written that Obama was going to force abortions on every woman, that would have at least been entertaining — but it’s not like the Daily News cares about printing the truth or anything. Yawn.

Abridged Daily News Columnists

Jill Porter: I have no idea why the parole board is shrouded in secrecy, though I also have no idea why it matters, why Jill Porter wrote a column about it and why I’m even writing this now. Let’s just move on.

Elmer Smith: Yes, rich people still get everything they want in America.

Christine Flowers: Wow, there’s even more strawmen in this column than usual. I counted six or seven.

Abridged Daily News Columnists

John Baer: Ha, ha, Sarah Palin said she was going to have “a team of mavericks.” (Then she made Joe Biden cry.)

Elmer Smith: Ho, ho, the reason for the nation’s current fiscal crisis is indigestion.

Christine Flowers: Dan: Ooh, it’s Christine Flowers Day!… (reads opening of column). Sarah: What? Dan: (reads a later part). Sarah: Wait, isn’t that, like, racist?