Chick-Fil-A may be owned by a devout Southern Baptist, but for fans of the fast food chain, new locations are more like Mecca. Case in point: The opening of the Audubon, N.J., Chick-fil-A, which the Courier-Post recapped yesterday.
Since 2003, the company has given out $260 in coupons to the first 100 people in line when new locations open. And now there are a whole group of “Chick-fil-A heads” who go to a ton of openings. Joe Wolfe drove all the way from Winchester, Va., to attend his fourth store opening. There was also Marianne Trovato from Bensalem, who was attending her eighth opening. And don’t forget Mike Lucci, of Pine Hill, N.J., who was at his third opening.
Seriously, follow the link. This is all real, I swear.
“This is probably the coldest, but it’s still worth it,” Lucci said. “It has good food. I won’t buy from a McDonald’s. I don’t like their greasy food.”
Because when I think of the opposite of McDonald’s, I think Chick-fil-A. Ahh, whatever. It is a free $260 worth of food. I’m thinking of hitting up the next opening, and I don’t even like Chick-fil-A.
Via Wonkette comes this video game promo I’m probably way late on (it seems about a year old) but whatever: Check it out! It’s for a game called ZooRace, which is one of those crappy shovelware video games — only it’s a crappy Christian shovelware video game, which means it’s 10 times better.
Want a plot synopsis? As best as I can tell, it’s this: After the flood, Noah lets his animals out to have races announced by God, in which they are also shot out of cannons and attached to missiles. Do you not want this game yet? I have no idea why you wouldn’t be sold.
Get out your seer stones, call Andy Reid, put on your skinny black ties: A LDS temple is coming to Philadelphia! The Inquirer gets the details: “‘All of those details have not been announced,’ said Kim Farah, spokeswoman for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints in Salt Lake City. ‘We are not releasing any information.’”
Apparently, the Mormons announce temples every once in a while at a big ceremony, then don’t let you know anything about them ’til one day — wham! — there’s a new temple. But the Inky says they’re usually built in 3 to 5 years once they’re announced. The temple will be the first in the state.
Mormonism — by far the greatest accomplishment of the Second Great Awakening — used to be the go-to religion for cheap jokes until L. Ron Hubbard and his team of high-priced fancy lawyers put Scientology tops in that category. Other than that, all I know is they apparently build temples very mysteriously.
Chase Utley was booed at the home run derby last night, and fortunately was caught on the mike telling Yankees fans what he felt. “Go fuck yourself” might have been a better thing to say, but we’ll have to settle with what he said. (Because we can’t handle the word fuck in print, the Daily Newsfor some reason prints “(bleep) you.” Seriously, guys?)
If you watched last night’s home run derby, you no doubt saw ex-drug addict Josh Hamilton hit 28 homers in the first round. Hamilton got off drugs in part by finding Jesus. This led 700-time Sportswriter of the Year Rick Reilly to say, “It’s a lousy night to be an atheist.” Since Hamilton is Christian, was it also a bad night to be a Muslim or Jew? (The difference is: If Reilly had said, “This is the worst night for Jews since Kristallnacht,” he would have been fired.)
Reilly is, of course, correct: God rarely interferes in human events anymore, but he does every once in a while help a Christian in the early rounds of a home-run hitting contest or two. Every once in a while he even helps them break storied records, like Bobby Abreu’s historic total of 24, which has stood for an immeasurable amount of time (three years). I’ve always thought it was kind of weird that God interferes in exhibition contests (that aren’t even a baseball game) and not, say, the postseason, but who am I to question? He’s God.
Once you get to the finals, though, you’re on your own. Hamilton hit just three homers in the final round and lost to Justin Morneau, who was promptly called the wrong name. But, ha, ha, Chase Utley cursed on live TV before the game, which really gives a way better high than heroin.
Sometimes when sophomoric news/media sites like mine get bored, I’ll do a post that’s essentially “this thing looks like this thing.” Ha ha, funny. But when certain types of people who are big into Jesus get bored sometimes, they play a game that’s called “this thing looks like Jesus.”
In Bensalem, a furniture maker found an image of Jesus in a fig tree (at right). It also looks like a ghoul, a character in a Tim Burton animated film and, most definitely, that one prisoner at Abu Ghraib.
Oh, it actually looks a lot like that! Maybe Robert Gates ordered some soldiers to go back in time and mess with Jesus. That seems kind of unlikely, though. Maybe God is letting us know that torture is bad? That seems unlikely, too; this is America, after all. This is the country Jesus founded himself!
Craig O’Connor says it definitely looks like Jesus, claiming “an adrenaline rush” when he saw it. But since he forgot to go to the media before trying to sell his Jesus wood on eBay, it only got a top bid of $500. The Virgin Mary in the grilled cheese sandwich got a lot more moolah. Oh, I see: Jesus appears in things so we can get rich! I believe Jesus was big into getting rich, like that time when he said to throw away all your possessions.
Last Ash Wednesday, Milford Township in Bucks County held a meeting about a proposed strip club in the township. The go-go bar actually just went and opened on Dec. 14 of last year, claiming Milford’s zoning is unconstitutional and neener neener you can’t do anything about it.
Anyway, over 100 people packed the meeting and the owner of Coyotes strip club was escorted in by a security detail. There were also a group of anti-porn male activists in attendance; the group is called King’s Men, brought signs decrying porn (for some reason) and are probably the coolest people on the face of the planet, since they’re men in an anti-porn activism group.
The strip club is BYOB and its bartenders “have formal training in detecting intoxicated patrons,” The Intelligencer reports. Also, apparently the Republican state rep for the area is all against naked ladies, too:
Republican state Rep. Paul Clymer, whose 145th District includes Milford, said the club could cause a ripple effect of crime in the area. “They’re going to fill customers up with pornography, sex and alcohol. How are they going to keep them from going out and becoming destructive in the community?” asked Clymer.
The article doesn’t say whether Clymer offered any studies or reports of the effect of a strip club on an area, but of course the people protesting don’t really care if there are studies saying strip clubs inflate property values 300 percent. And neither do I!
Oh, and a ton of people were heckling the strip club owner while wearing their ashes from services earlier that day. Remember, O man, that you are dust, and unto dust you shall return.
Thomas G. Findler, 42, was arrested after a sexton caught him looking at porn on the Episcopalian nun’s computer. Then, for some reason, he chased him out of the building.
The suspect had been logging on overnight to “hotyoungteens” and other fetish Web sites in a nun’s office at Grace St. Paul Episcopal Church (3715 East State Street), according to police and the maintenance man.
John Jones, the 35-year-old sexton (maintenance man) at Grace St. Paul, said he flushed out the intruder upon arriving at work about 8:30 a.m. yesterday.
“He said he was just looking at the computer,” Jones said, “but he was looking at porn.”
The Daily News today updates the story of the priest who didn’t molest me and lets everyone know that while most people are just finding out about the alleged evil pedo priest now, Ryan High School has known about it forever! And so, you know, they fixed everything already and don’t let principals steal hundreds of thousands of dollars.
In other priest news, another priest was arrested due to a grand jury investigation, only this one is charged with lying to the grand jury, which is pretty much the greatest thing ever.
The Rev. Joseph F. Sica allegedly lied to a grand jury regarding his relationship with reputed mobster (!) Russell Bufalino. Sica said under oath he didn’t know Bufalino, and then the grand jury heard about how the two were actually friends. Whoops!
Bufalino attended a party celebrating Sica’s ordination as a priest. A photo of that occasion shows Sica with Bufalino and his wife. A note with the keepsake picture reads: “Dear Russ & Carrie – Words cannot express my thankfulness to both of you! You have done a lot for me and you mean a lot to me. Rest assured of my continued love and prayers. Love Joe.” Sica also reportedly wrote a letter in 1982 to then-Pennsylvania First Lady Ginny Thornburgh, seeking her help in getting Bufalino out of jail.
Hey, this is actually pretty refreshing; finally, a priest whose bad deeds didn’t involve having sex with a kid!
The group of moms began praying for Hawthorne Elementary School after a gun was fired outside another New Jersey elementary school. Oh, and the school called the police on the parents, so you know the Drudge Report is getting ready to link this. Of course, here’s the part that won’t get mentioned:
Three of the women, including Vaughn, are former employees at Hawthorne Elementary School. Vaughn said the three women were dismissed from their jobs as paraprofessionals at the end of last school year.
Also, they’re apparently blocking people from going into the school or something. This is really the best way to get back at your old employer.
Let’s make a point. If I am wearing a cross, does that make you want to change your religion? A sane person will say no, of course not. An insane person may claim to hear voices. We do not accord insane people the same liberties as the sane. [...] Liberalism folks. It’s a mental disorder. Again, we do not accord the same liberties of the insane as that of the sane.
So today we are coining yet another new phrase for you to fight with,”We do not accord the same liberties to insane people as we do the sane”, turn around from them and walk away. Use this every time you hear one of these nut jobs speak. If they write, send them a nice little letter with that phrase. It’s powerful.
Be sure to check out the blog’s other post, titled “Crushing the unbelievers has never been so much fun“, which I can only assume from the title is about Jesus’ message of forgiveness, tolerance and acceptance. Who would Jesus crush?
Chick-Fil-A may be owned by a devout Southern Baptist, but for fans of the fast food chain, new locations are more like Mecca. Case in point: The opening of 
Get out your seer stones, call Andy Reid, put on your skinny black ties: 
