One-Paragraph Rant Disguised As Newspaper Column

The large, one-¶ rant to your right is not a blog post on a comment on some messageboard. No, it is a one-paragraph column by none other than America’s Best Columnist, Chris Freind,!

It was one-paragraph online, at least. The Bulletin doesn’t have the customary line of white space between paragraphs online, and there are spots that could have broken this rant into as many as four (4) paragraphs. Freind’s enemy this time is New York governor Eliot Spitzer, who is apparently promoting a plan to allow illegal immigrants to obtain driver’s licenses.

I don’t care enough to look up Spitzer’s reasoning for the plan, but Freind says it will only lead to terrorists flying planes into the Empire State Building. No, really: “If the brotherhood of Mohammed Atta decides to target the Empire State Building with weapons and explosives bought legally with their state-sanctioned drivers license, or, on the off-chance, they take a one-way joyride in a 767, you may have a few people knocking at your Mansion door.” Why is mansion capitalized?

Freind has a ton of awesome arguing techniques in this column, including a reminder that illegal immigration is against the law. “Period.” He actually writes that! And he uses the term “fat cats”! Oh, and he talks about how terrorists are now going to be voting in record numbers, since they’ll be able to obtain driver’s licenses. Basically, it reads like a parody of a right-wing opinion column.

The ending is my favorite part, though, because I’m not sure if he’s inciting a call to violence or not:

In the midst of the most dangerous time in our nation’s history, our “leaders” go out of their way to aid and abet the enemy. In case you’re interested, the Governor’s Mansion is in Albany.

So… are we supposed to storm the capital, Bastille-style, and come out with Spitzer’s head on a pike? I mean, I like Macbeth and all, but I don’t really know if recreating Macduff’s beheading is the best way to settle disputes in 21st century America.

However: On Saturday, Spitzer went back on his plan, meaning Freind turning up the heat most certainly worked. Don’t try to cross America’s Best Columnist; you’ll only get burned.

Driver’s Licenses For Illegals Makes Al-Qaida - And Dems - Cheer [The Bulletin]
Governor Accused of Betraying Principles [NYT]

Chris Freind Is His Own Biggest Fan

Bulletin columnist Chris Freind has a whole column of this:

Brilliant. I am thrilled that someone had the guts to spit it out. I agree with your article 100 percent. I’m sure the Inquirer would never print such a piece.

Mary
Philadelphia

Great article. To me it’s a breath of fresh air to finally read a media report on this matter without the slant of Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton. They would rather have the outcome appear to be pure racism and discrimination. I think everyone who has knowledge of their agenda has come to realize these two charlatans as nothing more than decaying pieces of carrion.
Bob
Encinitas, Calif.

Very well written. I applaud you for writing something that, to me, hit the nail on the head. I appreciate the fact that you have the guts to write the truth. Keep up writing the truth, and maybe some others in your line of work will not always take the easy way out.
Jason
Davenport, Ia.

And it goes on like this and this is the whole column and ahhhhhhhhhh treesdiedforthis.

‘Jena Six’ Readers Respond With Fire [The Bulletin]

‘Bulletin’ Columnist To Singlehandedly Solve UK Crime

The Bulletin’s Chris Freind, who currently holds the title of America’s Best Columnist, is singlehandedly solving some UK child abduction case that’s apparently big news over there.

In the meantime, since Freindly Fire has been on the case from day one exposing the child-negligent, globe-trotting, celebrity-wannabes known as Kate and Gerry, perhaps it is time to take a trip across the pond to do what the British media has not - and will not - do: report the facts.

I can’t wait ’til Freind solves the case the British police could not, leading to the major motion picture Freindly Fire, the story of a columnist for a very small conservative Philadelphia newspaper who travels around the world solving crimes. It’s the new James Bond!

Update: He has another column where he pronounces them guilty! Case closed.

McCanns As ‘Suspects:’ That Is No Surprise [The Bulletin]

Chris Freind Has Clearly Never Been To Philadelphia

It’s been a while since I’ve checked in with America’s Greatest Columnist, Chris Freind, probably because the last time I did I saw he was writing about all the same stuff I do.

Well, in a column yesterday he’s sticking to the quasi-Philadelphia Will Do beat — namely, making fun of John Street — only he’s attempting to make a serious point instead of attempting to send American, or at least Philadelphian, worker productivity to its lowest levels in years.

From his newest column, it is clear Freind has never stepped foot in Philadelphia, and possibly not New York, either. It appears he has gotten all his news about Philadelphia from the crime report on NBC 10. (It follows the opening story, the weather.) It is also clear Freind likes making statistics up instead of actually finding them: “If you take a poll of Center City business owners, you could probably count on one hand how many favor the new regulations.” Yes, you probably could. Maybe. Possibly. Oh, let’s just assume it is, why don’t we!

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Chris Freind Column Essentially Condensed PWD

Well, looks like I can retire. America’s Greatest Columnist™, Chris Freind, in a recent column:

• “The organizers said that the fireworks were never ‘officially’ canceled and lit them off a half-hour later, completely disregarding those who had already left. Why did they do it? Obviously for the benefit of the six people at home who happened to be watching Channel 6 at 11:30, expecting the fireworks show.”
• “What other city bombs its own citizens’ houses, destroying an entire city block in a spectacular (and internationally broadcast) firestorm? Name another metropolis that feels compelled to set up a criminal court in the bowels of its sports stadium to arraign fans on the spot.”
• “The convention center is a bust because of the extortion-like hold the unions have over the city. Rather than attracting more conventions to the city - and with them more business, people, money (and tax revenue) - the city continues to lag far behind other cities with far less to offer. Just ask Pat Sajak of Wheel of Fortune.” [??—dmac]
• “And no other team in all of professional sports history has ever had 10,000 losses.”

Yeah, that’s about it. Youse can just read those over and over and, there you go, daily entertainment.

Philadelphia Stays Stuck In Mediocrity [The Bulletin]

Chris Freind Stands Up For French, The White Man

It’s been a while since I’ve checked in on Chris Freind, America’s Best Columnist™. But, since he stopped by the comments to plug his interview with Georges Perrier, I figured it was time to take another look.

In his interview with Perrier, the two talk about how awful the foie gras protesters are and how the ducks actually enjoy being tube fed until their livers become the size of Buicks. (Apparently, ducks don’t have a gag reflex, which means they’re not being tortured. I prefer my animals to suffer before they die, so forget foie gras as a delicacy.)

Perrier also bashes all the other restaurants in the area for not defending him from the four people protesting over foie gras: “Steven Starr is a coward. It makes me mad. Starr used to be a big leader in the restaurant industry, but he removed foie gras because he didn’t want to fight (the protesters).” Oh, wah, wah, wah. How dare he run his business how he wants to! Did you know he made his restaurants no-smoking, too, before the smoking ban passed?

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America’s Best Columnist Attacks Free Markets

It’s been a while since we’ve checked in with America’s Best Columnist, Chris Freind of the Bulletin. And what’s he been up to recently? Well, aside from writing a column “gloating” (his words) and basically summarizing a few previous columns — including one about SEPTA where he was right because somebody had to go to the hospital because a bus hit her! — he’s been getting all riled up about foie gras.

Foie gras, if you didn’t know, is duck or goose liver that is enlarged by force feeding it. About 15 people protested to ban this practice in Philadelphia, but since somebody at the Inquirer feels the same way as they do, they got a front page story on a Sunday, so it’s a bigger issue than more well-attended protests. (Even the “King Tut was black!” protest got more people.)

But, anyway, Chris Freind is against restaurant owners making their own decisions on what to serve because it’s a slippery slope.

I respect the animal rights groups’ opinion, although I am in disagreement with it. They have been successful in getting foie gras banned in certain areas, and as a result of their efforts, more than a few restauranteurs have taken the item off their menus. While this is a bottom-line victory for the vegans, it is less a result of their arguments and much more because most business people are cowards. Instead of banding together to aggressively advocate their side of the fight, and shelling out the money to hire the best attorneys and PR firms to represent their interests, they cave in when there is a ripple of controversy. (That’s you, Steven Starr. But hey, at least we now know from your asinine comments what kind of character you have. People should boycott your restaurants on that basis alone.)… More to the point, perhaps the cowardly restaurant owners and chefs who cave in to such pressure tactics should be more concerned about their own guts than those of a duck.

If you ban foie gras, Chris Freind will force feed you until your liver explodes!

Foie Gras? It’s About Having ‘Guts’ [The Bulletin]

‘Bulletin’ Headlines Keep Getting Better And Better

Hot on the heels of 24 Reasons Not To Reject Limbo come these two:

Well, that’s a new way of putting it. But if the war was for oil, that sort of shakes my foundation in the president. Who can I look up to for moral guidance?

Ah, there we go.

Iraq War Is About Oil­­ - And That’s OK [Bulletin]
The Lessons from Hogzilla [Bulletin]

Chris Freind: President Bush The Real Hero Here

Writing about the Fort Dix terrorist plot, America’s Greatest Columnist Chris Freind lets us know who the real hero of the day is: President Bush.

Perhaps most deserving of credit - President Bush. While he has done many things wrong, and is justifiably criticized for his mistakes, too often he is not credited when things go right under his leadership. This is such a case.

I don’t doubt President Bush deserves a little credit here; after all, he is the president and the FBI did capture these alleged terrorists. But, ah, maybe you want to reserve the majority of the credit for, oh, I don’t know, the people who actually did something?

‘Fort Dix Six’? Look At Illegal Immigration [The Bulletin]

Downright Dangerous To Public Sanity

It’s been a little bit since I’ve checked in with Chris Freind, America’s Best Columnist™, and see what earth-shattering commentary he’s been writing about in “Freindly Fire.” His column title is based on his name, if you didn’t know.

As you may remember, last time we all saw America’s Best Columnist, he was sending out a press release about how he had exposed the hypocrisy of people attacking Don Imus. He also promised an “explosive challenge” to Al Sharpton, Jesse Jackson and Bruce Gordon.

Well, well, well! How did the challenge go? I’ll take a look at that and a few other recent bits by America’s Best Columnist after the jump.

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