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Good To The Last Drop…

022409bournebowling.jpg Lincoln University is a little excited about its recent women’s bowling victory over Cheyney. Oh, yes, you’re right: It’s time for another round of amazing Lincoln University sports information director enthusiasm! Hmm, I should probably come up with a better name than that.

But trust me, this is going to be great. Let’s learn how that bowling match ended up:

Featuring more twists and turns than a suspense novel and more thrills than an amusement park roller coaster, the Lincoln University of Pennsylvania’s, 713-710, exciting bowling victory over rival Cheyney University at Devon Lanes Tuesday afternoon was literally good to the last drop, or in this case, the final roll.

Here’s a fun game: Count the metaphors in that sentence! No, wait, don’t, or else you won’t get any more work done today.

I do especially like the constant use of modifying words in this opening paragraph, though; despite being told this particular collegiate women’s bowling match was bigger and better than both a suspense novel and a roller coaster, the win is still later called “exciting.”

I actually think this use of “literally” might be correct, though I’m not sure. Indeed, the game was down to the final roll, but was it also down to the last drop as well?

With Lincoln trailing by 15 pins, Lincoln sophomore Tahirah Stewart’s mission was simple: mark and earn a third ball in the tenth frame of a tight and tense match.

Stewart knocked down eight pins on her first roll. Two pins on the right side (closest to the gutter) remained standing. Stewart removed her black glove. She took a deep breath along with four steps and released the ball from her sweaty right hand.

Sweaty? Eww. Thanks for the tight and tense imagery.

When the ball left Stewart’s hands, it appeared that the match, along, with the ball, was headed down the gutter.

What’s amazing is this is only my second favorite part of this women’s bowling recap. The best part is coming, I promise you.

After yelling at the ball as it started traveling away from its intended targets, the ball suddenly curved sweetly like a boomerang into the two pins for a spare. On the final roll of the match, Stewart got eight pins to lift Lincoln to the pulsating victory.

Woo-hoo! Good job Lincoln! Man, that match sure did seem exciting. I wish there was a movie I could compare it to. Kingpin? Oh, maybe The Big Lebowski?

In a match that was the bowling version of the hit action movie, “The Bourne Supremacy,”

Or that movie works, too. Yeah, that makes sense; I bet this bowling match was totally like that second Jason Bourne movie.

A Bush Is President Of Everything

Last night on WPVI, Erin O’Hearn reported on a fight at a Cheyney University party posted on YouTube. The fight, apparently, was Cheyney vs. West Chester vs. Lincoln. Ahh, college.

O’Hearn interviewed Cheyney student body president George Bush. Hmm. A school with a president named George Bush? I can only assume this fight was over Cheyney’s invasion and occupation of West Chester and Lincoln.

Cheyney University fight posted online [6 ABC]

Some Unsexy Sex At Cheyney


Last week, police picked up a woman for prostitution at Cheyney University. The 36-year-old then told the police she was HIV-positive. Oh, and had sex with 10 students, sometimes unprotected.

So now there’s an HIV scare at Cheyney University, and some people probably don’t want to get tested, and some people have probably had sex with other students after having sex with the hooker, etc., etc. “It was a popular group who she slept with, and the popular group is the same group that the females sleep with. I think if she did have AIDS, it’s going to spread very fast if they don’t get tested,” said a student.

One random voice on this Fox report says the local news media is trying to disgrace black people, even, by reporting about… AIDS… or something. (Cheyney’s an HBC.)

Consider this a public service message, then, from your old pal Daniel McQuade: If you have sex with a partner you aren’t in a monogamous relationship with, use a condom. And, every couple of months, get tested for AIDS and other STDs. It’s free, people.

Cheyney Officials to Update HIV Scare [6 ABC]
HIV Campus Scare has Students Taking Action [MyFox Philly]