Which Rich Guy Will Lead The City For 8 Years?

And here we go.

We’ve been through Milton Street singing on top of a casket. We’ve had Bob Brady tell us elephants will return to the zoo in his administration. We’ve had Tom Knox promise not to show movies at Dilworth Plaza. We’ve had Dwight Evans ask us not only where the beef is, but also tell us his crime record is beefy.

Michael Nutter told us he’d be opening up a shop to sell Philly-themed merchandise. Chaka Fattah brought out Shaft to attempt to win our votes. Bob Brady didn’t know how a pension works. (That’s okay, Bob, most of Philadelphia doesn’t know what “vested” means either.) Tom Knox didn’t know what Gilligan’s Island was.

A guy in a shark costume told us not to vote Tom Knox. (He disappeared after Frank Keel got in the way and is presumed dead.) PW told you to vote for the mayor that looks good with a big nose and glasses. Jim Kenney predicted voters would vote for the guy they saw on the teevee most, and he may have been right.

The gay newspaper endorsed Brady. The bilingual one endorsed Knox. Every candidate told us he was just like us! Queena Bass continued to run for mayor while homeless man Jesus White took his first shot at the ballot. People got angry on messageboards and blogs. Websites were trolled. Accusations of racism were flung. These things happen.

Sam Katz told us the mayor’s race would be close, then positioned himself for an independent run, then told us it’d be Nutter in a landslide. Sam Katz will be here to kick around for a while.

Fattah told us Mike Nutter had to remind himself he’s African-American. (And Milton Street said Nutter was the Watermelon Man.) Somebody told us Knox was a good Catholic while Brady and Nutter didn’t go to Catholic church anymore.

After today, it will — let’s pray — all be over and some rich guy will be in position to lead the city for eight years, unless Al Taubenberger has photos of the eventual winner with a donkey who is not his wife. It might be the union guy or the poverty guy or the smart guy or the really rich guy or the “Who’s the beef?” guy.

Hey, look at it this way: It won’t be John Street.

It’s election day! If you see anything exciting at the polls, notice a news anchor flashing viewers, find a funny campaign sign and/or anything else ridiculous, drop me a line at dmac [AT] philadelphiawilldo [.] com. If the day is exciting enough, I’m hoping youse can do my job for me. Then I can put my feet up.

[.pdf of Milton logo]

‘Daily News’ Does Walk Of Shame

Oh, it wasn’t just a press release on Friday. To make sure we got the point, some of Fattah’s followers protested outside the Daily News last week. The protesters chanted “Shame on you, Daily News!” while marching outside the paper’s offices at 400 N. Broad Street.

It wasn’t just that cartoon. Fattah already has a strategy for explaining a loss, as a group called the Save Our Kids Alliance has complained the Daily News “has engaged in biased reporting that targets Fattah while providing free advertising for Michael Nutter.” The Daily News hasn’t been investigating Michael Nutter’s tremendous amount of blackness yet.

Fattah didn’t just let other people complain for him, though. He took action:

“It’s an insult to the lives of people spent not in the ivory tower of newspaper editorial rooms. I’ve been out on street corners. I have been shot myself trying to help young people be protected.”

The ivory tower of newspaper editorial rooms! Watch out, Daily News editor Michael Days, next Fattah’s going to call you not black enough.

Fattah backers rip cartoon [Daily News]

Nutter Picks Up Lapsed Catholic Endorsement

Yesterday, Tom Knox supporters attempted to gain votes by distributing the flier above (click to enlarge), which alleges Michael Nutter and Bob Brady are lapsed Catholics.

Michael Nutter? He was Catholic when it was convenient for him, so he could get a quality Catholic education. Now? He quietly left the Catholic Church to become a Baptist, probably because his polls told him it would be a smart move. ¶ Bob Brady? He admitted that he never attends mass.

Somehow, I don’t think this is going to work as well as the mysterious flier distributor wants it to. Do you know how many lapsed Catholics there are? Michael Nutter might’ve just picked up a couple votes from the young, bored Christmas-and-Easter crowd. (Bob Brady said he’s a regular churchgoer, so that part appears to be just a lie.)

Nice boost for the Prep there, though. “The school people will sit through Church for!”

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Desperate Fattah Complains About Cartoon Violence

Taking a page from the principle textbook from the Sylvester Johnson School of What’s Really Important, Philadelphia mayoral candidate Chaka Fattah just sent an email out complaining about the above cartoon in the Daily News.

Fattah isn’t complaining about what you’d think — “Waah! They made fun of me! And I don’t have a blog to whine on!” — but he’s calling the cartoon “offensive,” because it trivializes something or other. He also says Nutter’s stop-and-frisk plan will search “our sons, daughters, grandchildren, nephews, nieces and neighbors.” But not our uncles and aunts! (They can have all the illegal guns they want.)

Fattah’s apparently been searching his soul for a way to stop violence, and he’s spent his entire career helping children, and to poke fun at him in a cartoon is just awful or something. How dare a satirical cartoonist use her trademark drawing style to comment on the plans of a public official running for office!

Full letter after the jump.

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Vote For Mike Nutter And You Hate Black People!

As you’ve no doubt heard by now from angry blog commenters (or whatever), Chaka Fattah brought race into the election last night by saying Michael Nutter “had to remind himself that he’s an African American.”

Yes, Chaka Fattah is attempting to pull old Milton Street talking points out of his bag of tricks in order to win the election. Good move, Mr. Fattah, but as much media attention as Uncle Milty got, I don’t know if saying Nutter has to remind himself he’s black is as catchy as “Watermelon Man.”

But whatever. Clearly, the big race-related story of the day is a thread started by one Dr. Chuck Williams alleging Nutter supporters are racist. I’m not quite sure how this works — White people who support Nutter because they think he’s not black? Black people who support Nutter because he’s not white? Asian people voting for Nutter because he’s not Asian? — but Dr. Williams does!

What are you lead counsel for phillyblogging Nutter-crats??? How can you claim to know what they were or were not inferring?

If you want to speak about truth, let’s speak about the number of white liberals who feel that Nutter is the….

‘RIGHT KIND OF NEGRO’

This kind of latent racism is as old as jim crow and segregation.

You know, there’s a lot of not-so-thinly veiled racism on Phillyblog, but not much, if any, of it supporting Nutter because he’s the “right” kind of black man. Then again, Dr. Williams also says his free speech rights have been violated on the private messageboard he posts at because they merged all his anti-Michael Nutter threads into one. He’s threatened to sue!

I don’t know if white people are supporting Mike Nutter because they’re racist, but I do know this: I never, ever, ever want Dr. Williams operating on me. Especially if his doctorate is in political science or something, but either way.

Outraged reaction at race’s inclusion in the race [Fight for Room 215]
Are Nutter Supporters Racist? [Phillyblog]
Phillyblog curbs free speech!!! [Phillyblog]

Barack Obama Goes All Out (Well, Sends An Email He May Have Written) For Chaka Fattah

Barack Obama and Chaka Fattah are allies in the Joint Commission of Fellas With Unusual Names. And, as such, today Barry Hussein Obama sent out a letter in support of the mayoral candidate:

Dear Friend,

In eight short days, you have the chance to put my friend, Chaka Fattah, on the path to becoming Philadelphia’s next Mayor.

But to make it happen, Chaka needs your financial support - today. Please click here to send your contribution of $500, $100, $50, or $25 right away, so Chaka can get his message to voters in this crucial final week before the May 15th election.

All his life, Chaka has been a true champion for Philadelphia’s neighborhoods.

When blood stained the streets of his community in the 1960s and 1970s, Chaka shared his home with neighborhood teens that his family had convinced to reject gangs and turn around their lives.

In 25 years of public service on the local and national levels, Chaka has never forgotten his early life lesson: the key to breaking the grip of violence in our most hard-pressed communities is to replace desperation with hope.

That last section is bolded in the letter, too, as Barack Obama attempts to confuse people into thinking Fattah wrote The Audacity of Hope, and therefore voting for him. (Fattah, not Obama.)

Full letter after the jump.

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Michael Nutter Destroys City Hall In Monty Pythonesque Fashion, Prevents Hurricane Schwartz From Securing No-Bid Contract

I really can’t say how much I love this ad. Not only does it have Philly’s inspector general personally creeping up on corrupt employees in the middle of the night, it also reveals no-bid contracts are apparently given out in shady elevator deals. Oh, and, yes, it features the destruction of City Hall by either God or a giant, leading to the deaths of lots of people who apparently work in the building’s tower for some reason.

Oh, and it does pack a lot of information into 30 seconds, but whatever, who cares about that.

More awesome ads after the jump.

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Blaxploitation Film Star Wants You To Vote Chaka

As we all head into the homestretch in the mayor’s race, there’s one always-important election factor that, so far, hasn’t really been in play much: Celebrity endorsements. Sure, we’ve all seen Michael Nutter with Vince Papale, but, c’mon, that’s Vince Papale.

Well, hellllo, Chaka Fattah, who do you have?

Mayoral Candidate Chaka Fattah will be joined by Shaft star Richard Roundtree when Fattah is endorsed by United Steelworkers Local 404 tomorrow at the union’s headquarters. The union has 1,000 members locally. Fattah and Roundtree will appear at several other events throughout the day.

Just wait ’til Dwight Evans gets endorsed by Fred “The Hammer” Williamson and Bob Brady exhumes Russ Meyer to ask for his support. Full Fattah release below.

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Second Mayoral Debate Way Better Than First

While you were asleep Sunday morning, 6 ABC aired the second official mayoral debate. In this debate, the five candidates sat around a table with Action News morning hosts Matt O’Donnell and Tamala Edwards. (Yes, if you’re wondering, the hosts of a show in the same genre — “morning” — as Good Day Philadelphia, which used to feature the anchors dancing with mascots, hosted a mayoral debate.)

The debate taught me a lot of things; namely, the five candidates for mayor all creep me out. (That’s Bob Brady and Chaka Fattah in happier times in the photo; namely, the time they presented a check to the park ranger to find out who was swiping all those pic-i-nic baskets.) They’re politicians, so that’s normal, but, yeesh. Starting below, a recap of some sort.

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Beating, Thanking A Dead Horse

Oh, just when you thought the news was all Don Imus and Jon Corzine comes the news about two new important bills pending on Capitol Hill. Our Congresspeople have gotten together to propose two Barbaro-related bills.

Well, the first bill doesn’t mention Barbaro at all, but it is a ban on eating horses. (Well, it’s the actual clever workaround of banning eating horses by banning the transportation of horses for slaughter. Same thing.) And, of course, we would never know about this bill at all if not for Barbaro.

Now, I have absolutely no interest ever in eating a horse. First off, I bet they taste like shit. And anybody who wants to eat a non-Barbaro horse is a little off in my book. But I believe every American should have the God-given right to eat whatever animal they want, even bald eagles. (Especially bald eagles! What better way to celebrate freedom than by eating it!)

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