CBS 3 Somehow Makes ‘Sex’ Worse

I’ve been able to ignore it pretty much all week, but I will fight no more forever. Somehow, every news station has done an intricate report on the Sex and the City movie; last night, CBS 3 premiered its men’s guide to SatC The report included this description of Samantha: “She reminds me of my best friend Cindy.” Ooh, I get it now.

Redlasso clip (fight the man!) after the jump.

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CBS 3’s Photo Gallery Confuses Us

bryan (a friend): have you seen this CBS3 “hottest athletes” gallery?

bryan: first of all, it’s 85 slides, which is beyond excessive
dmac: they do weird galleries all the time. oh, look: gay celebrities! vegan authors! robot lesbians!
bryan: second of all, i’m only 5 slides in
bryan: donovan mcnabb?
dmac: hahaha
bryan: sasha cohen…that’s just creepy
dmac: maybe they meant “athletes”
bryan: ryan theriot?! wtf?!
bryan: this just keeps getting weirder and weirder
bryan: brian roberts from the baltimore orioles?!
bryan: this may as well just be an “athletes” gallery
dmac: tyrone hill show up yet?
dmac: sam cassell?
bryan: no but there’s just been an eric lindros sighting
dmac: peter zezel must be next
bryan: I mean theyre doing somehting right i’m actually going through all 85 of these
bryan: JAVIER LOPEZ
bryan: come on now
bryan: some of the photos are just terrible
bryan: this is the worst internet photo gallery i’ve ever seen in my life
dmac: this really is just an “athletes” gallery, but since the people picked are so weird we’re both going through it all
dmac: damn you cbs 3
dmac: haha dale earnhardt jr.
bryan: right!?
bryan: like he’s just straight up ugly
dmac: it’s like picking tyrone hill
bryan: i’m so pissed i just gave cbs3.com 85 clicks of traffic

CBS 3 Miffed Its Employees Still Remember Who Alycia Lane Is

Ha ha, apparently if your work fires your coworker you’re never allowed to see that person again. Or hang out with her boyfriend, at least. Yes, CBS 3 is upset some of its on-air talent went to Chris Booker’s birthday party.

Booker is, of course, the boyfriend of one Alycia Lane, who you can’t possibly have forgotten by now, but, hey, who knows?

Among staffers at the party were traffic anchor Bob Kelly, reporter Todd Quinones and meteorologist Doug Kammerer. We’re told that station management talked only with Kammerer, mostly for appearing in pictures on Q102’s website in which he was holding drinks. While several pictures of Kammerer remain on the site, at least one was removed this morning.

Gawd. How dare we live in a world where the public is allowed to know that Doug Kammerer drinks at an Atlantic City birthday party.

Oh, yeah, Lane is still suing the station, so that could have something to do with it.

CBS 3 upset over talent attending Alycia’s A.C. bash for Booker [Phillygossip]

CBS 3: Old People Hate Obama!

Yesterday, CBS 3’s dreamy Susan Barnett did a report on how a bunch of old people love Hillary Clinton and John McCain and hate Barack Obama. But not because he’s black! Just because…. they don’t want to vote for him. Also, apparently everyone thinks Iraq attacked us on 9/11 and that Obama hates America and won’t salute the flag.

Oh, and the one black guy hates John McCain because he’s a “all the big boys get bigger”, apparently. Well, duh.

CBS 3 Reports On Inspirational Puppy

Uh, so here’s CBS 3’s story about an inspirational local dog. No, really: on the site, the video is titled Abandoned Dog Becomes Inspiration To Many. Buddy, a cute Maltese mix, was found at a Macy’s at a mall. He is now an inspiration to many, apparently. I must say: I am pretty inspired.

This took up 2 minutes, 13 seconds of the newscast at 6 p.m. yesterday. That’s a lot to spend on a half-hour news program. But, like the guy says on the report, p… p… puppy!! Aww, he’s a fuzzy little guy.

Bear Patrol Apparently Working Smoothly

Oh, so that bear in West Philadelphia? Yes, that was a lie; the prints were determined to be from a dog.

Bears have five prints on their paw tracks; dogs only have four. Hey, wouldn’t you know.

The large dog is still at large.

Experts Determine Paw Prints Belong To K-9 [CBS 3]

[Photo via Flickr]

Pre-Bonnie Bonnie Still Pretty Hilarious

It was everything I hoped for and more. You couldn’t come up with a better stereotype for a “high school friend.” And, oh my God, the flying money. I feel like the voice-over should be saying, “Sell or rent your timeshare for cash!”

Here’s CBS 3’s full report; I’d recommend watching the video, as it is fantastic.

CBS 3 Making Bonnie Promo More Dramatic

I didn’t know if this afternoon’s promo for CBS 3’s exclusive report on Jocelyn Kirsch could get any better, but later today the station released a longer, more dramatic one. OMG I can’t wait!

CBS 3 Goes To Jocelyn Kirsch’s Hometown!

Just when you thought the coverage of Jocelyn Kirsch couldn’t get any better, CBS 3 sends a reporter to the hometown of one half of Philadelphia’s Bonnie & Clyde. (She’s also the only half anyone cares about.)

Mascot Monday Returns… On CBS 3!

If you’ve been reading this site for a while, you may remember Mascot Monday, the Good Day Philadelphia segment where the anchors danced with mascots. (All of the old clips have been taken down by noted fascists YouTube, it seems.) The last Mascot Monday that we have data for took place on July 17, 2006.

But never fear! As you can see above, CBS 3 today launched Phunky Phanatic Phriday, where each week an anchor will dance with the Phillie Phanatic. The greatest Mascot Monday of all time featured the Phillie Phanatic, so it’s not a bad one to get, uh, inspiration from.

In the first episode, sports anchor Ukee Washington dances with the Phanatic and an “assistant,” Amanda. At the end of the month, you’ll get to vote on which anchor gets to dance on top of the dugout with the Phanatic. There… really are no words. Maybe “mascot dancing” is a typical part of a morning show now, like weather and sports. Seriously, what the phuck?