Bulletin: Bush Could Become Catholic

The Bulletin has the scoop. My guess as to the motive: Plenary indulgences.

Levittown Priest Sends Awesome Letter

The annual St. Mike’s Fair in Levittown — which has been running since my dad was a student at the school, I think — wanted to have fireworks this year, but Tullytown¹ police say no go.

Why? Well, the Tullytown police chief was inconvenienced the last time they had fireworks, in 1995. “I was stuck with my patrol car on Levittown Parkway for three hours,” Police Chief Pat Priore actually told the newspaper.

St. Mike’s pastor Michael DiIorio isn’t happy with the decision. And he sent Tullytown an awesome/hilarious letter!

DiIorio said he didn’t believe the fireworks would draw 30,000 people. He called the number “arbitrary and grossly exaggerated.”

“Presently there are approximately 32,000 people in Levittown. I firmly doubt that every man, woman and child will attend the St. Michael’s Fair on one evening,” he wrote.

Tullytown has its own fireworks display every September. “If our fireworks are “unsafe’ then so are those of the borough,” DiIorio wrote. “Therefore, September fireworks for the borough should be cancelled at once.”

Ha ha, because he can’t have his fireworks he doesn’t want anyone to have them. Also, the annual Tullytown fireworks show is invitation only. Jerks!

¹ Levittown is only a post office and a census-designated place; the area that is Levittown actually spreads over five different townships/boroughs/whatever in Bucks County. When I was an intern at the Bucks County Courier Times, my bosses were very insistent that we never refer to anyone as “from Levittown,” as they were actually from Bristol Borough or whatever.

St. Mike’s Fair fireworks deemed ‘too dangerous’ [Bucks County Courier Times]

Bob Casey Backs Barack Obama

Hey, remember Bob Casey? He’s the one everybody voted for last November because he was running against Rick Santorum. Well, apparently, he’s also a big Obama backer, as he endorsed the Big Changemonger today.

The Associated Press says this could be a big deal because now Catholics — also known as “Followers of Bob Casey” — are now allowed to vote for Obama. It also pits Casey up against Ed Rendell again, just like in that hilarious, fantastic 2002 primary nobody remembers. Ha ha, remember that dude who bumbled away the election and lost to a dude from Philly in the general election for governor? I don’t!

After the jump, part of Barack Obama on the view. Barbara Walters’ intro is, well, a bit much.

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Possible Demon Arrested, Charged

There is now more information on the area’s demon infestation; authorities in Bucks County revealed more info over the weekend about one of the possible demon vandals. Sandralee Banks-Kastrup, 40, was arrested Thursday night was undergoing a psychiatric evaluation.

The Bucks County Courier Times was nice enough to print all the weird shit she said:

Inside the court on Trenton Road in Middletown, Banks-Kastrup questioned why officers weren’t arresting other people in the court lobby for “killing Brittany.” She told three retail theft suspects who were in handcuffs on a nearby bench that she was God and her daughter was the mother of Jesus Christ.

She repeatedly asked police to take off her handcuffs, but was told that rules of procedure require suspects to be handcuffed during arraignment. “I don’t care about your rules; I made the rules,” she responded curtly.

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Demons Still On Loose In Buxco

The Inquirer gives us more today on the Satanic cult vandalizing churches in Bucks County.

Cops arrested one woman, according to the Inky’s Larry King, but are on the lookout for, uh, demons. 40-year-old Sandralee Banks-Kastrup was arrested for vandalizing St. Michael the Archangel church, but cops want to round up more demons to burn at the stake or try for vandalism or whatever. No names, though:

In recalling his encounter with the purported “demons,” [St. Mike's Pastor Fr. Michael] DiIorio said that it was not threatening, but that it came back to mind during the recent desecrations. “There was nothing remarkable in their dress or demeanor,” DiIorio recalled. “I greet every person in church after the liturgy at the main door. They made themselves last in line.”

When the two visitors reached him, he said, they told him that they wanted him to know “that they had moved into the area and that now they will be here.” When DiIorio asked if they wanted to register with the parish, “they had no intention of doing so.” Instead, he said, “they described themselves by names of demons. They didn’t say ‘Cheryl’ or ‘Samantha.’ It was a demonic name.”

DiIorio said police had told him not to provide further details, including the sex of the visitors. He did say one “would have been in her early 50s,” while the second was younger. “They didn’t use the generic term demon. We’re using that to guard against evidence being contaminated,” DiIorio said. “But they used a name that anyone would associate with demons.”

Why, exactly, do the demons’ names have to be confidential? What if I know them? I know a couple of demons, and I’m hoping they weren’t involved. For instance, I’ve already cleared my demon friend Samantha.

Oh, yeah, and Archdiocese spokeswoman Donna Farrell said she didn’t know of any link between the demonic visitors and the vandalism. Satan sells, I guess.

Ill-spirited acts haunt churches in Bucks [Inquirer]

Sermon To Be Extra-Boring On Sunday

Next, they’ll move on to Extreme Unction!

Church to Explain Meaning of Marriage to NJ Catholics [KYW 1060]

Supreme Court Justice Thinks It’s 2000

Supreme Court Justice Samuel Alito spoke at Rutgers yesterday and talked about a ton of things, I’m sure, but the Associated Press picked up that he bashed The Sopranos, and so that’s what every news story says.

Yes, The Sopranos! The show that everyone liked ’til it cut to black during the final episode last year is apparently still a hot topic for spaghetti-eating mafia members Italians, because Alito says it’s offensive. Apparently, he was so excited about people calling Ed Rendell racist for saying some white people won’t vote for a black person, he wanted to hop on the offensiveness train, too.

During a visit to Rutgers University, Alito complained the hit HBO television drama “The Sopranos” not only associated Italian-Americans with the Mafia, but New Jerseyans as well.

“You have a trifecta — gangsters, Italian-Americans, New Jersey — wedded in the popular American imagination,” Alito said at an event sponsored by the university’s Italian studies program. Alito lived for nearly two decades in a West Caldwell home in the same area of New Jersey where the fictional Tony Soprano was supposed to live. Alito told the gathering of about 100 people that a friend in California once sent him a map of Sopranos-related locations. “He wanted me to put down where my house was on the map,” Alito said to laughs.

Later, Alito talked about how offensive The Untouchables was.

Alito takes on ‘Sopranos’ during visit to Rutgers [AP/Courier-Post]

Ryan Priests Sad To Have Competition

Priest/little boy NAMBLA-esque mashups are kind of like steroids in baseball: Everybody knew it was there, but nobody really talked about it or cared. Then, whoops!, now the Catholic Church has a bunch of lawsuit settlements and charged priests, including one who I served mass for but never really talked to me.

(This is when someone annoying on the Internet comes up and points out accused molestor and former president of Archbisop Ryan Rev. Charles Newman is an ephebophile. This is when I tell that person to shut up. I only care about semantic differences where it’s important, like the one between an end around and a reverse.)

Perhaps it’s kind of clear Archbishop Ryan might not have the healthiest attitude toward sex. So who do they bring in to teach the kids sex-ed? Why, noted sex experts Golden Girl from Power 99 and Colby Cole from 100.3 The Beat! What, Angelo Cataldi wasn’t available?

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Scranton Priest Only An Alleged Liar

The Daily News today updates the story of the priest who didn’t molest me and lets everyone know that while most people are just finding out about the alleged evil pedo priest now, Ryan High School has known about it forever! And so, you know, they fixed everything already and don’t let principals steal hundreds of thousands of dollars.

In other priest news, another priest was arrested due to a grand jury investigation, only this one is charged with lying to the grand jury, which is pretty much the greatest thing ever.

The Rev. Joseph F. Sica allegedly lied to a grand jury regarding his relationship with reputed mobster (!) Russell Bufalino. Sica said under oath he didn’t know Bufalino, and then the grand jury heard about how the two were actually friends. Whoops!

Bufalino attended a party celebrating Sica’s ordination as a priest. A photo of that occasion shows Sica with Bufalino and his wife. A note with the keepsake picture reads: “Dear Russ & Carrie – Words cannot express my thankfulness to both of you! You have done a lot for me and you mean a lot to me. Rest assured of my continued love and prayers. Love Joe.” Sica also reportedly wrote a letter in 1982 to then-Pennsylvania First Lady Ginny Thornburgh, seeking her help in getting Bufalino out of jail.

Hey, this is actually pretty refreshing; finally, a priest whose bad deeds didn’t involve having sex with a kid!

[Photo via PoconoNews.net]

Alleged Perv Priest Apparently Found Me Ugly

Oh, yeah, that priest from Ryan who allegedly stole $900k and molested three students? I was an altar boy for him.

I don’t actually remember much about the priest, Rev. Charles Newman, who was president of Archbishop Ryan High School and said mass at my parish, St. Martha. He actually never said much to us; everybody went to his masses because he said them fast.

Anyway, yeah, so: The alleged molester priest did not molest me. Hooray! NBC 10 has the Archdiocese of Philadelphia’s statement on the issue; they confirm the abuse took place, pretty much.