Now This Is A Way To Start An Editorial

Thank you, Northeast Times:

It’s time for the vocal minority of tree-hugging, narrowminded naysayers who live in fantasy land to put up or shut up. Come up with a cure for cancer or step back and let Fox Chase Cancer Center do its job unfettered.

Ahh, the ol’ “find a cure for cancer” demand.

A crucial decision [Northeast Times]

NBC 10 Says Bye To Sen. Kennedy

NBC 10 has a nice little feature on its website today that basically says Ted Kennedy is going to die soon. As you no doubt have heard, Sen. Kennedy has a brain tumor. And NBC 10 went to a local surgeon at Jefferson — I”m sorry, “Jeff” — who said Kennedy might as well be dead.

“It’s a terminal illness with no cure, unfortunately,” [Dr. David] Andrews said. “It’ll be a victory if he can function independently and get through the day.” Andrews said the prognosis for a person suffering from this type of cancer is grim.

“I don’t think he could ever return to the Senate, not with a tumor like this,” he said. “It’s too debilitating.”

Geeze, quite a buzzkill. Though I do hope one day I am famous enough to get an article saying I will die soon.

Local Brain Surgeon Gives Kennedy Grim Prognosis [NBC 10]

Clinton Likes Breasts As Much As I Do

OH EM GEE Hillary Clinton is going to cure breast cancer! On Ellen!

Nobody Puts Baby In A Hospital

6 ABC did its very own report about the National Enquirer’s report that Patrick Swayze has terminal cancer and weeks to live. You’ll be happy to know the respected Dr. Perez Hilton thinks Swayze is doing just fine.

Is Patrick Swayze dying? [6 ABC]

All-Knowing God Now Giving Us Cancer

It wouldn’t take much to be more positive than this blog, but, yes, I believe this newspaper is entitled to call itself the Positive Image with a headline like that. At least the paper’s not called the Subject-Verb Agreement Times.

As for God: This is just like that time he flooded the world as a gift. I guess He’s feeling the credit crunch just as much as the rest of us; either that, or not even He can get his hands on a Nintendo Wii. That’s what we all really want, right?

Rick Santorum Is The Candidate Who Keeps Your Colon Cancer-Free

The New York Times covers Rick Santorum’s senate campaign and how the current senator is handling being down 18 points in one poll.

Aside from the usuals — blaming the media, blaming liberals, etc. — Santorum has come up with a pamphlet featuring a list of “Fifty Things You May Not Know About Rick Santorum.” Here’s Santorum’s greatest achievement (emphasis mine):

Mr. Santorum, the third-ranking Republican leader in the Senate, distributed a brochure this week as he worked a sweltering round of town hall meetings and Fourth of July parades: “Fifty Things You May Not Know About Rick Santorum.” It is filled with what he called meat and potatoes, like his work to expand colon cancer screenings for Medicare beneficiaries (No. 3), or to secure money for “America’s first ever coal to ultra-clean fuel plant” (No. 2).

Just wait until the attack ads: Bob Casey actually wishes colon cancer on Medicare recipients. Casey only wants your colon for liberal gay sex! I’m Rick Santorum, and I approve this message.

Running Hard, Senate Power Seeks a New Image [NYT]