Canadian Arrogance Sinks Commerce

Recently, the local branches of Commerce Bank were re-branded to TD Bank. TD Banknorth purchased Commerce Bancorp of Cherry Hill last year; the company wanted to use the name TD Commerce but were sued by Massachusetts-based Commerce Bank & Trust. Meanwhile, today, Pennsylvania Commerce — a separate company that continues to operate Commerce Bank branches — purchased First Republic Bank of Philadelphia and will form Metro Bank.

Confused yet? Good. Here’s who you can blame it on, courtesy of Vernon Hill (who has been involved with nearly every one of these banks):

The merger comes two days after TD dropped the Commerce name from the branches it bought last year. “It took us 34 years to build a great brand and only 10 months for TD to destroy it,” Hill told me before the event. He blamed “Canadian corporate arrogance” — and praised Pennsylvania Commerce chairman and chief executive Gary L. Nalbandian for soldiering on with the Commerce name.

Turns out TD Banknorth is owned by Toronto-Dominion Bank (which also owns ~11% of the new Metro Bank — phew, I’m confused). It does all make sense now: Only Canadian corporate arrogance could be responsible for Commerce Bank’s changing its name.

Vernon Hill is back: PA Commerce Bank + 1st Republic = Metro Bank [Phillydeals]

Sammy D Says Goodbye, Eh

Oh no! The Sixers’ Samuel Dalembert, who actually became a Canadian citizen to play for the national basketball team, has left the team, just a few weeks before the Olympics.

The team’s coach wouldn’t comment on Sammy D’s status, saying he was only no longer with the team.

The Sports Network of Canada reported that Dalembert had a confrontation with a Canadian team official.[...]

After an 86-70 loss to Slovenia on Tuesday, [ex-76ers first round bust and Canadian coach Leo] Rautins criticized Dalembert’s effort in the postgame news conference, saying: “He never got on track offensively or defensively. I didn’t see him leave the floor to challenge people defensively, and on the offensive end he struggled not only with his shooting but with the decision-making behind the shots.”

Hey! We say that kind of stuff about Sammy all the time! I guess the idea this time is that he just couldn’t take it when it was coming from a Canadian.

Either that, or he just didn’t like hockey enough.

Dalembert parts ways with Canadian team [Daily News]

Break Up The IronPigs!

After opening the season 0-11, the Lehigh Valley IronPigs are on a roll! They now have won two straight after scoring a season-high 4 runs (ha!) last night in a 4-1 win over the Toledo Mud Hens.

And, look! History, according to The Morning Call: “The one obvious mistake by Mazone came in the second when Melian hit a two-out home run into the Bud Light Trough over the right-field fence, the first home run at Coca-Cola Park to exit somewhere other than center field.” Oooh.

Tonight, the IronPigs go for their third straight win, a franchise record (obviously). And despite the warm temperatures today, it’s Eskimo Night at the ballpark, where (really) “[a]ny fan showing a valid I.D. or drivers license from Alaska, Canada or any other province inherit to Eskimos or Inuit’s, will be given free admission to the game. In addition, all fans in attendance will receive free ice when they enter Coca-Cola Park!”

The press release is awful chipper:

“Despite the warm weather, I still guarantee a freezing good time,” exclaimed IronPigs General Manager Kurt Landes. “However, don’t be surprised if we have dogsled…or even pigsled races at one point!”

Ha ha, pig sled. I get it! But, anyway: Free ice and a 2-11 baseball team? Eskimo Night is one hot ticket indeed. (See what I did there?)

Media Just Like A Sad Puppy To Obama

Barack Obama’s big speech on race was like 84 billion minutes long. It was good and all — I mean, it was good when I was paying attention to it in the beginning — but then it kept going on and on. I especially liked the part where he was like, “My grandma was scared of black people!” Oh, you silly white people.

Obama and Hillary “Rodham” Clinton aren’t just chilling in Philadelphia; they both have to go all over the state in order to get these people to vote for them and oh my God John McCain is going to be president, isn’t he? Anyway, apparently while up in the Wilkes-Barre area, Barack Obama was mean to The Times Leader, the paper of record:

“Look, we’re not here to answer questions from The Times Leader all day,” said Sean Smith, an Obama press official. “You will get releases as soon as they are available.”

You take that, Times Leader! It is interesting that for once Hillary Clinton is the warm-’n'-fuzzy lovable, hug-able candidate and Barack Obama is Mr. Meanie. But Obama is the one the press is in favor of, according to conventional wisdom; even though he treats them like crap, they keep coming back like a dog. Aww, good boy.

More »

Humor Writer Taken Seriously

From last week’s Philadelphia Public Record:

Snooper “Quickie”: It seems everyone agrees with Joe Vento, of Geno’s Steaks, regarding his sign. Check this out. In Canada, TORONTO’S world famous cheesesteak shops have signs that read, “This is Canada. When ordering, SPEAK CANADIAN”. So why is Joe Vento in the wrong? This whole sign business is all ridiculous, because he is merely expressing his rights to “free speech”.

You may remember this from Johnny Goodtimes’ Metro column on Canada, which he wrote after we went up to Toronto for the Rock Paper Scissors World Championships (the event youse all thought I was joking about attending). This column also contained such lines as: “They have a dollar coin like we do, but their Sacajawea looks like a duck. Canadian dollars are known as kilodollars,” “Canada is actually about the same size as Laos” and “Canada has a dictator. His name is Chuck.”

Also enjoyable about that Record piece: “Superfluous quotes” around free speech.

Please note that everything on this blog is a joke, except for anything about noted puppy-abuser/presidential candidate Ron Paul. Those are all true.

JGT: Credible News Source? [Johnny Goodtimes]

Sixers Center: Canada’s Favorite Angel-Ghost

Earlier this summer, 76ers center and master of the stupid foul Samuel Dalembert became a Canadian citizen so he could join Canada’s national basketball team.

Canada, who apparently is even worse at basketball than the 76ers, wanted Dalembert for its team to shore up the inside game, since Wayne Gretzky was at center during qualifying for the previous Olympics. Dalembert was born in Haiti and joined his parents in Montreal as a teenager; he returns there during the summer and was a basketball star in high school.

Now that he’s a Canadian citizen, he wants to make the team as good as possible. So he’s recruited two-time NBA MVP Steve Nash to join the team. He, apparently, hopes to scare Nash into joining the squad.

“He’s probably going to get mad, I am probably going to be his little angel-ghost,” Philadelphia 76ers centre Samuel Dalembert said. “I’ll be in his ear every time he is playing [us]. ‘Steve Nash, I need two hours from you. That’s all I need from you, two hours.’ “

Yes, his little angel-ghost! I’m sure Nash will be on the national team in no time.

Seeking Solutions With Suzanne’s Signature

Above photo illustration by Brad Maule.

Just the other day, I was thinking about what Broad Street needed. I came to the conclusion: A giant signature! And what better signature to use than that of Suzanne Roberts! And it’d be even better if the signature used the word “Theater” spelled the way of the Canuck.

Basically, everything I wanted has come true.

Phillyskyline
Seeking Solutions with Suzanne

75-Year-Old Reporter Attacked By Optician

In Toronto, a reporter went to an eyeglass store to ask about consumers who said they were screwed by the place. Pretty standard stuff. Until the optician attacked the reporter, the reporter got in his best boxing stance and the optician starting throwing snowballs at the reporter and cameraman.

Oh, and later he’s arrested by the SWAT team.

Consumer advocacy reporting has its dangers. Who knew?

Optician Attacks 75-Year-Old Reporter (Toronto, Canada) [CNN/YouTube]

Toronto’s Little Italy Preps For Sal Fasano

The most popular .221 lilfetime hitter in all of baseball is going north of the border.

But, more importantly, he’s giving his Fu Manchu another shot.

Yesterday, Sal Fasano signed with the Toronto Blue Jays. As you remember, Fasano was the Phillies’ backup catcher last year, loved for his hustle, his long hair and his mustache. When he was traded to the New York Yankees in the summer, he was forced to cut his hair and shave his mustache below the lip.

Fasano is, of course, getting ready for the season. “I was able to keep a small mustache, but I think it made me look like Borat,” Fasano told The Globe & Mail. “I’m going to go back to the Fu Manchu. That’s my standard look anyways. I’m growing it out now, getting it ready for the season.”

Although he probably won’t attract the same kind of attention and fan club he did in Philadelphia, who knows. After all, Fasano says, Toronto has a lot of his people: “Being an Italian guy has helped, which is why I’m excited about Toronto. I know that there’s more Italians per capita living in Toronto than just about anywhere.” Even Italy.

Good luck, Sal.

Manchu dynasty in Toronto? Stay tuned [The Globe & Mail]

Leftovers: Really Fast Eddie

&8226; In the latest poll, Gov. Ed Rendell is up, 55-33, over challenger Lynn Swann. Right now, a Swann win looks about as likely as, hmm… as, say, the Immaculate Reception. Fortunately for Eddie, Franco Harris is not running for governor. [AP/Philly.com]

• Tonight is the Debut of Cole Hamels™, perhaps the most heralded Phillies call-up since, erhm, Gavin Floyd. Hey, he won last night, too, y’know. As this is the Internet, there will be some Friday night liveblogging action. Until then, believe the hype. [Balls, Sticks & Stuff]

• Okay, now that I’ve purchased my tickets, I can tell youse: Phillies-Red Sox tickets are still available! Single game, too. I got the cheap seats for Sunday. [Phillies.com]

• The Canadians trying to buy the Inquirer and Daily News want to slash newsroom jobs in order to win the love of the Teamsters. Pretty shitty, eh? [Attytood]