Demons Still On Loose In Buxco

The Inquirer gives us more today on the Satanic cult vandalizing churches in Bucks County.

Cops arrested one woman, according to the Inky’s Larry King, but are on the lookout for, uh, demons. 40-year-old Sandralee Banks-Kastrup was arrested for vandalizing St. Michael the Archangel church, but cops want to round up more demons to burn at the stake or try for vandalism or whatever. No names, though:

In recalling his encounter with the purported “demons,” [St. Mike's Pastor Fr. Michael] DiIorio said that it was not threatening, but that it came back to mind during the recent desecrations. “There was nothing remarkable in their dress or demeanor,” DiIorio recalled. “I greet every person in church after the liturgy at the main door. They made themselves last in line.”

When the two visitors reached him, he said, they told him that they wanted him to know “that they had moved into the area and that now they will be here.” When DiIorio asked if they wanted to register with the parish, “they had no intention of doing so.” Instead, he said, “they described themselves by names of demons. They didn’t say ‘Cheryl’ or ‘Samantha.’ It was a demonic name.”

DiIorio said police had told him not to provide further details, including the sex of the visitors. He did say one “would have been in her early 50s,” while the second was younger. “They didn’t use the generic term demon. We’re using that to guard against evidence being contaminated,” DiIorio said. “But they used a name that anyone would associate with demons.”

Why, exactly, do the demons’ names have to be confidential? What if I know them? I know a couple of demons, and I’m hoping they weren’t involved. For instance, I’ve already cleared my demon friend Samantha.

Oh, yeah, and Archdiocese spokeswoman Donna Farrell said she didn’t know of any link between the demonic visitors and the vandalism. Satan sells, I guess.

Ill-spirited acts haunt churches in Bucks [Inquirer]

White House Somehow Screws Up

A program in Bucks County that helps drug addicts is in danger of having its funding cut by President Bush’s new proposal. And why is Bucks County Council on Alcohol and Drug Dependence having its funding cut specifically? Phantom manicures.

The Recovery Community Services Program is one of 13 Health and Human Services programs totaling $2.8 billion that would be cut or reduced if the budget plan passes. The program is unworthy of continued federal funding because “services provided, such as manicures and other non-traditional therapies, are not based on evidence-based practices for recovery and grantees have not consistently met all performance measures,” according to a statement from the White House.

Manicures help you stay off drugs? Sweet! Er… oh.

Executive director Beverly Haberle said she can’t understand where that information came from; not only are things like manicures not part of the council’s programming, she said, such an expenditure would never have gotten though the oversight process. “No one can back up that claim,” she said. “That would not have been an allowable expense in the first place.”

Turns out a few people were given services (say, a manicure and haircut before a job interview) donated by local businesses and other private funds. This is the first time the White House has gotten anything incorrect during Bush’s stellar years in office.

Cuts would hurt Bucks program [The Intelligencer]

Get Rich Quick Via Jesus Scheme Fails

Sometimes when sophomoric news/media sites like mine get bored, I’ll do a post that’s essentially “this thing looks like this thing.” Ha ha, funny. But when certain types of people who are big into Jesus get bored sometimes, they play a game that’s called “this thing looks like Jesus.”

In Bensalem, a furniture maker found an image of Jesus in a fig tree (at right). It also looks like a ghoul, a character in a Tim Burton animated film and, most definitely, that one prisoner at Abu Ghraib.

Oh, it actually looks a lot like that! Maybe Robert Gates ordered some soldiers to go back in time and mess with Jesus. That seems kind of unlikely, though. Maybe God is letting us know that torture is bad? That seems unlikely, too; this is America, after all. This is the country Jesus founded himself!

Craig O’Connor says it definitely looks like Jesus, claiming “an adrenaline rush” when he saw it. But since he forgot to go to the media before trying to sell his Jesus wood on eBay, it only got a top bid of $500. The Virgin Mary in the grilled cheese sandwich got a lot more moolah. Oh, I see: Jesus appears in things so we can get rich! I believe Jesus was big into getting rich, like that time when he said to throw away all your possessions.

Man finds image of biblical proportions [Bucks County Courier Times]

Men Protest Naked Women

Last Ash Wednesday, Milford Township in Bucks County held a meeting about a proposed strip club in the township. The go-go bar actually just went and opened on Dec. 14 of last year, claiming Milford’s zoning is unconstitutional and neener neener you can’t do anything about it.

Anyway, over 100 people packed the meeting and the owner of Coyotes strip club was escorted in by a security detail. There were also a group of anti-porn male activists in attendance; the group is called King’s Men, brought signs decrying porn (for some reason) and are probably the coolest people on the face of the planet, since they’re men in an anti-porn activism group.

The strip club is BYOB and its bartenders “have formal training in detecting intoxicated patrons,” The Intelligencer reports. Also, apparently the Republican state rep for the area is all against naked ladies, too:

Republican state Rep. Paul Clymer, whose 145th District includes Milford, said the club could cause a ripple effect of crime in the area. “They’re going to fill customers up with pornography, sex and alcohol. How are they going to keep them from going out and becoming destructive in the community?” asked Clymer.

The article doesn’t say whether Clymer offered any studies or reports of the effect of a strip club on an area, but of course the people protesting don’t really care if there are studies saying strip clubs inflate property values 300 percent. And neither do I!

Oh, and a ton of people were heckling the strip club owner while wearing their ashes from services earlier that day. Remember, O man, that you are dust, and unto dust you shall return.

Hearing on Coyotes strip club attracts throng [The Intelligencer via Philly EDGE]
Photo via David Garrett, The Intelligencer

Teaching Fourth Grade Does Really Suck

Authorities in Bucks County charged elementary school teacher Susan Romanyszyn with 17 counts of making terroristic threats. The 45-year-old allegedly put up multiple signs around the school threatening violence.

Oh, and the reason for her anonymous threats? She was assigned to teach fourth grade instead of fifth. I can sort of understand that; in fifth you get to do the first “wear deodorant” talk. Plus you have to teach less because DARE is in your classroom once a week. I mean, who doesn’t like watching a police officer show you cocaine?

The letters were also done in childish handwriting.

“Your so stuped I have to kill you,” read one message on a folded-up piece of notebook paper that was found by a lunch monitor. “I won’t stop til you all die,” read another that was found by a teacher in the school gym.

Bucks County DA Michelle Henry — could this be the famed “hot Bucks County prosecutor” immortalized in a Craigslist posting? — says she also planted a fake explosive device in a kid’s desk. Hey, it’s a teacher who’s finally not sleeping with a student.

Teacher Accused Of Terrorizing Her School Out On Bond [NBC 10]
Teacher accused of making threats [BCCT]

Deer Hunters, Protesters Inspire Easy Lead Joke

Leads like this are great because they work with any story:

What do deer hunters and protesters have in common?

Both will rise bright and early Thursday for the deer hunt at Tyler State Park.

I know, I get it; but it could just as easily be adapted to “What do the Eagles and Giants have in common? They’re meeting at the Linc next weekend.”

Protesters ready to greet hunters [Courier Times]

Futuristic Croydon Shown; Residents Shrug, Boo

Somebody got a $100,000 grant to study ways to improve Croydon. Here’s what they came up with:

[E]ngineers have proposed an “admittedly ambitious” plan for office parks, outdoor theaters, a 17-acre environmental center and a multi-story transit center that rivals Grand Central station in New York.

Sketches for “the new Croydon” showed eight marinas, a skatepark and hundreds of acres of existing homes cleared for open space. Taller buildings, some of them more than eight stories, would be topped with gardens and solar cells to power the entire community.

More »

Alleged Prostitutes Arrested, Embarrassed

First police in Middletown, Bucks County, arrested two alleged prostitutes and their alleged madam who had been business-savvy enough to set up a limited-liability corporation.

Then Internet gossip about the LLC’s high prices was reported in the newspaper.

Two suspected prostitutes and their alleged madam — criticized in Internet reviews of their “services” — were arrested during a raid of their business, Natural Therapy LLC, Wednesday in Middletown. [...] The tipster told investigators that a number of Eastern European women who dressed provocatively had a clientele of mostly men who came and went throughout the day and night. Police found several reviews of the business and its employees on Internet forums, spahunters.com and bestgfe.com — gfe is an acronym referring to “girlfriend experience,” according to a list of sex terms on the site.

For a $50 tip, the women would perform a sex act on the clients; for $100 the women would do it naked, according to police.

That’s a rip-off, according to some posters on spahunters and bestgfe. Clients can receive a lot more for $160 at an Asian massage parlor, several posters said.

Well, that’s the realities of capitalism for you. If you don’t compete in pricing, you can’t survive.

Nobel Laureate Will Get To Bottom Of His Story

This year’s Nobel Prize winner in medicine, Mario Capecchi, went to George School in the Philadelphia suburbs. He’s always told people he lived as a street urchin for a while. He also said his mother was snatched by the SS and taken to Dachau; the two were reunited on the boy’s ninth birthday at war’s end.

The Associated Press went to write a profile of him, and found out there are a bunch of inconsistencies in his story.

It’s not that he’s really lying, though. He’s apparently helping with the investigation: “During a lengthy interview at his home overlooking Salt Lake City, Capecchi took an almost scholarly interest in the AP’s findings, poring patiently over dates and matching his recollection against the historical record. At no point did he become defensive or uncooperative.” It’s nice he’s playing along.

Dog With Four Legs Stolen By ‘Thugs’

Thugs steal puppy from woman, reads the headline, for that is what happened.

Yes, in Souderton, Bucks County, a woman had the schnoodle (one of those hybrid mutts) she’d gotten just 12 hours earlier taken by two men. “Nice-looking puppy,” the one man said “snidely,” the paper reported, before snatching it from the 62-year-old woman.

And in case you happen to see a dog you think is the kidnapee (not pictured above, but aww):

Authorities are still determining what motivated the men to steal the dog, which is recognized for its loyalty, intellect and love of a game of fetch.

So, you know, a dog that likes to play fetch. Shouldn’t be too hard to find.