Al-Qaeda Will Never Take Our Dippin’ Dots

You can feel safe, area shoppers! Oxford Valley Mall recently held a mock terrorism drill, in case al-Qaeda ever decides it has a serious grudge against Forever 21.

The drill started about a month ago when police learned that a fictitious organization with a grudge against corporate America was targeting an area mall.

Since then, they received information that it was the Oxford Valley Mall that was targeted, and now they are playing out how they will handle that threat.

Things apparently went well, no one was harmed (due to it being a fictional drill) and no one will ever think of attacking the Oxford Valley Mall ever.

Police Hold Mock Terrorism Drill at Oxford Valley Mall [KYW 1060]

Town Scraps ‘Pervert-Free Zone’ Idea

The tiny borough of Trumbauersville, Bucks County (pop. roughly 1,000) apparently has a big problem with — get this! — sex criminals. They must! The borough recently considered restricting where registered sex offenders could live in town, so it’s clearly a big problem in town.

The idea was scrapped for various reasons, mainly because the borough doesn’t have the money to fight the inevitable lawsuit restricting those convicted of sex crimes from living in the town at all. (At 0.4 square miles, pretty much any law would restrict sex offenders from living anywhere.) Also, Borough Council President Ed Child realized the ridiculousness of such a “feel-good law”: “What difference does it make how far away from [schools or parks a sex offender] can live… when we can’t control where they go?”

Hey, that’s some top-notch thinking there, Eddie! It’s better to be sensible than to just follow what NBC scares you about. And… oh.

[T]he borough briefly considered enforcing what Child jokingly called a “pervert-free zone.” Instead of restricting registered sex offenders by residence, it would have restricted where they could go.

Trumbauersville scrapped the idea, realizing the “even murkier legal territory” it would be in with such a law, and not that the idea would be impossible to enforce. Won’t someone please think of the children and ban all perverts from America soon? That would solve the problem.

Restrictions for sex offenders on hold [The Intelligencer]
[Image via some ridiculous t-shirt store apparently from 1996]

Deaf Woman Scammed, Defamed

Recently in Bucks County, 41-year-old Nancy Hellyer was sentenced to up to 10 years in prison for stealing $100,000 from a deaf couple in Upper Southampton.

Hellyer also convinced Heather Goldstein to quit her job with the IRS and come work for her. Her first paycheck bounced. The con artist clearly doesn’t deserve much pity, but I don’t think we need to make her any worse than she actually is and make all deaf people seem like incompetent rubes at the same time. Right?

The victims gave the judge a letter that was not read in open court, but [Judge Albert] Cepparulo noted that Heather Goldstein said in the letter that Hellyer convinced her to quit her job at the Internal Revenue Service to come work for her, but that her first paycheck bounced.

“Now, she can’t find a job because she is deaf. Think about that,” Cepparulo told Hellyer.

Our little con artist friend Nancy didn’t, um, make Goldstein deaf. Right?

And it seems to me that she’s been able to get at least two jobs: The one at the IRS, and the fake one that didn’t pay.

Woman gets up to 10 years for defrauding deaf couple [Bucks County Courier Times]

Police Arrest Suspect In Church Murder

On Jan. 23, a woman was found shot to death at the Trinity Evangelical Lutheran Church in Springfield, Bucks County. Yesterday, the police arrested the alleged murderer and say she shot the victim because she was getting more attention from the pastor.

State police say Mary Jane Fonder, 65, thought Rhonda Smith was getting more attention from the Rev. Gregory Shreaves and believed there was a romantic relationship as well. (There wasn’t, cops say.) So she went to the church before her hair salon appointment and allegedly shot her twice.

The Rev. had rebuffed her advances and had her number blocked. And why not: “Once, she went into his unlocked house, leaving food in his refrigerator,” the Courier-Times writes. This is the kind of scandal you don’t get in a Catholic Church, at least.

Police: Jealousy spurred murder [Bucks County Courier Times]

Obama To Visit Pa. Tomorrow, Too

Hey, Barack Obama isn’t letting Scranton’s own Hillary Clinton get all the local attention here tomorrow. Obama’s gonna be in town, too!

Clinton takes the stage at night at Temple, but Obama will be at the old steel plant in Fairless Hills tomorrow. He’ll be touring Gamesa Wind Turbines, which probably makes wind turbines. Then he’s going to get on a diving board and cannonball right into the nearby GROWS landfill.

Dept. of How Do We Cover This?: Barack Obama to be in Bucks County on Tuesday [Philly EDGE]

Ashlee Simpson Disses Mascot

When celebrities come to Philadelphia, they don’t just visit department stores. They also turn down photo requests from mascots. Last November, Paris Hilton turned down a photo request from a groundhog from the state’s tourism bureau; security also made him remove his groundhog head. Thousands of children scarred.

Ashlee Simpson appeared at a Wal-Mart in Bucks County Monday afternoon, hawking copies of her new single. The Courier-Times also turns into The Insider for a moment:

“She got bad directions,” a publicist explained, dismissing a rumor that Simpson’s people had driven her to the wrong Wal-Mart.

Translation: Ashlee Simpson was driven to the wrong Wal-Mart.

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Demons! Well, Okay, Not Demons

Ahh, remember how the all the local media reports on the church vandalism in Bucks County were about how a pair of “demons” showed up at a church. The police wouldn’t even report the demons’ names so as not to taint the investigation.

Anyway, it looks like it was just a bunch of stupid kids! Everyone already knew this anyway, but it’s more fun to write about demons and devils and whatever other shit was printed.

Four kids from Falls were arrested for allegedly vandalizing Our Lady of Perpetual Help Church earlier this month. There was also graffiti all over the area, but, you know, demons. Oh, and when one of the kids parents apologized the church was all like “OMGWTFHOWDAREYOU!!”

“He’s not a demon. He’s not a monster. This was not a hate crime,” Klein said. “He’s a smart kid who made a stupid mistake.” Klein said the vandalism had nothing to do with religion. He said Stetson’s parents are “mortified” but standing behind their son.

“Harry has never even tagged [done graffiti] before,” Klein said. “He bowed to peer pressure that night. He’s very sorry and willing to scrub it off if the church will let him.” It’s too late for that, said Kay McFarland, a spokeswoman for the parish.

“We took care of that already. We’re not going to let that kind of hatred and dirt stay on our statues. Come on, we weren’t going to leave that on our church,” she said.

Let’s just throw these stupid kids in jail for 30 years so they can be in prison with the rest of us. DEMONS!

Teens charged with church vandalism [Bucks County Courier Times]

Pol-Threatening Newest Hot Crime

First demons, now this guy. Something is going on in Bucks County!

The county north of Philadelphia is well known for being shaped like a short fat man’s boot, but maybe there is something more sinister going on. The demons who vandalized churches have been caught, it seems, but now 49-year-old Katsuo Matsui Clark of Bensalem is terrorizing Buxco.

According to Bensalem police, Clark was meeting with state Sen. Tommy Tomlinson, who — like most politicians — has been in office since 1642. Sometime before, he had told Tomlinson (at the funeral home he owns, natch) that neither he nor Bensalem mayor Joseph DiGirolamo had much security and to watch out. For some reason, apparently Tomlinson took a meeting with him later, just to be nice or something, and Clark told Tomlinson to look under the couch cushions to see what he could do; the senator found a hunting knife and a cap gun!

I’m not totally positive about the timeline above; things are a little confusing in the Bucks County Courier Times story, and with good reason. The cops didn’t even want this in the newspaper!

Bensalem Public Safety Director Fred Harran declined to comment on the specifics of the case. In fact, Harran did not publicize the charges against Clark in the police department’s daily press releases to the media because he said he’s concerned about the possibility of “copycat” crimes.

“I didn’t want to comment on security issues knowing this would start a media frenzy,” Harran said Wednesday morning. “We don’t want to make too many comments on this particular case. I don’t want to sensationalize the case.”

They must be in a lot of danger. Man, how much do people hate the mayor and state senator in Bensalem? This isn’t apparently just one man with mental and other issues, there’s a whole mob out to get those two. (It’s like Resident Evil 4, only instead of disease-infected Spaniards it’s dudes with cap guns. These guys must be awesome politicians to keep getting re-elected, though.

Cops: Officials threatened [Courier Times]

Possible Demon Arrested, Charged

There is now more information on the area’s demon infestation; authorities in Bucks County revealed more info over the weekend about one of the possible demon vandals. Sandralee Banks-Kastrup, 40, was arrested Thursday night was undergoing a psychiatric evaluation.

The Bucks County Courier Times was nice enough to print all the weird shit she said:

Inside the court on Trenton Road in Middletown, Banks-Kastrup questioned why officers weren’t arresting other people in the court lobby for “killing Brittany.” She told three retail theft suspects who were in handcuffs on a nearby bench that she was God and her daughter was the mother of Jesus Christ.

She repeatedly asked police to take off her handcuffs, but was told that rules of procedure require suspects to be handcuffed during arraignment. “I don’t care about your rules; I made the rules,” she responded curtly.

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Demons Still On Loose In Buxco

The Inquirer gives us more today on the Satanic cult vandalizing churches in Bucks County.

Cops arrested one woman, according to the Inky’s Larry King, but are on the lookout for, uh, demons. 40-year-old Sandralee Banks-Kastrup was arrested for vandalizing St. Michael the Archangel church, but cops want to round up more demons to burn at the stake or try for vandalism or whatever. No names, though:

In recalling his encounter with the purported “demons,” [St. Mike's Pastor Fr. Michael] DiIorio said that it was not threatening, but that it came back to mind during the recent desecrations. “There was nothing remarkable in their dress or demeanor,” DiIorio recalled. “I greet every person in church after the liturgy at the main door. They made themselves last in line.”

When the two visitors reached him, he said, they told him that they wanted him to know “that they had moved into the area and that now they will be here.” When DiIorio asked if they wanted to register with the parish, “they had no intention of doing so.” Instead, he said, “they described themselves by names of demons. They didn’t say ‘Cheryl’ or ‘Samantha.’ It was a demonic name.”

DiIorio said police had told him not to provide further details, including the sex of the visitors. He did say one “would have been in her early 50s,” while the second was younger. “They didn’t use the generic term demon. We’re using that to guard against evidence being contaminated,” DiIorio said. “But they used a name that anyone would associate with demons.”

Why, exactly, do the demons’ names have to be confidential? What if I know them? I know a couple of demons, and I’m hoping they weren’t involved. For instance, I’ve already cleared my demon friend Samantha.

Oh, yeah, and Archdiocese spokeswoman Donna Farrell said she didn’t know of any link between the demonic visitors and the vandalism. Satan sells, I guess.

Ill-spirited acts haunt churches in Bucks [Inquirer]