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Doink. Doink.

021609lando.jpg Let’s head back to Bucks County and focus on the District Attorney’s race there. Duh! Of course this is what’s next on the agenda.

Republican and current “Chief Deputy District Attorney” Gary Gambardella has dropped out of the race for DA, because ex-judge and fellow GOP member David Heckler (Boo! Hiss! Your jokes suck!) has decided to run. Gambardella is now going to run for a judgeship.

Let’s see why:

“We desperately need a unified party,” he said. “Staying in this race for even a minute would have disrupted the party. I think that with Dave Heckler on board we can have a ‘Law and Order’ ticket that will draw people to our party.”

There’s a chance he’s referring to “law and order” (the stupid campaign slogan that usually means “cracking down on and locking up undesirables”) and not Law & Order, the show, but I’m hoping it’s the latter.

Not just for political reasons, mind you! I was hoping we’d get a Law & Order campaign for president, but Fred Thompson failed to gain any traction in the Republican primary (after making one of his first campaign promises a pardon for Scooter Libby) and eventually dropped out. I’m thinking campaign ads with the L&O theme, promising to indict as many people as possible in every situation (a la Jack McCoy) and maybe a rule that only incredibly attractive assistant district attorneys will be hired.

All in all, I think it’s a good idea. Doink doink!

Gambardella drops district attorney bid [Courier Times]

‘Wave’ Of Alien Sightings In Pa.

111908flyingsaucer.png Forget naked people. The real big story in Bucks County is its many recent UFO sightings!

What started with a single UFO sighting over a Middletown Mexican restaurant Jan. 26 has turned into a science fiction sensation.

Spaceships were spotted over Sesame Place.

Black boomerangs were reported over Citizens Bank Park during the Phillies National League Championship series. [They wanted to see Manny, clearly.--ed.]

An extraterrestrial even was seen recently in the men’s department of the local JCPenney, smiling at our women.

With more than 50 reports from Bucks since January, the Pennsylvania Mutual UFO Network says it now will gather here for its next alien hunter conference Jan. 24 at Bucks County Community College.

How fitting the UFO conference will gather on the most depressing day of the year (well, according to a press release at least).

State MUFON coordinator John Ventre is scheduled to discuss what he calls the”"Pennsylvania UFO Wave.” The list of speakers also includes self-professed local abductees, including history professor David Jacobs of Temple University.

Shit! It’s a veritable wave of UFOs! And kudos to Bucks County Courier Times reporter James McGinnis for playing along (this isn’t the first time):

On June 23, a woman reported seeing an “alien entity” in the JCPenney’s men’s section.

“He was standing by a clothes rack,” the report said. “She described him as being male, no hair, gray skin, almond black eyes with a lumpy heavily wrinkled face.” The alien appeared to be shopping and had a “pleasant smile” for ladies in the store.

Yet the woman told MUFON she decided to leave the scene “because she and her husband were planning to attend a movie.”

(It’s not known which outlet the aliens chose for their shopping spree, though several other sightings were reported near the Oxford Valley Mall.)

It’s good to know the impending alien invasion won’t be that bad; the aliens have the same commitment to savvy shopping as we do, at least.

In unrelated news, the UFO Call Center is tired of getting prank calls.

After UFO sightings, alien hunters to gather here [Bucks County Courier Times]
Thanks, Joe

Naked Man On Loose

111808boot.jpg It sure has been a while we’ve had a ridiculous crime in Bucks County (official motto: “The world’s fattest boot.”). Those things used to come like clockwork. And… oh! Here we go!

Buckingham police are looking for a man in a bizarre assault that occurred Monday shortly before 1 p.m. on New Hope Road. Police said a woman jogging on the road between Route 413 and Holicong Road was attacked from behind by a naked man. Police are investigating the incident as a sexual assault.

The woman said her attacker got her in a bear hug and lifted her upright. He then released her and ran to Holicong Road where he got into a silver sport utility vehicle… The incident sounds similar to one that occurred in Middletown [Levittown -- ed.] last week.

Middletown police said that on Nov. 11 a man wearing only a pair of socks was seen on Red Berry Road. Police said the man was described as a white male with a medium build and balding. He was last seen in a small silver SUV.

Ahh, there we go. Be on the lookout for a balding naked man next time you’re in Buxco! And in case you’re wondering, Red Berry Road is not in the Red Cedar Hill Section of Levittown. Confusing, isn’t it?

Naked man assaults jogger [Bucks County Courier Times]

Apparent Hot Cop Arrests Half-Dozen


Because there isn’t anything else going on, or whatever, the Bristol Township police force has been cracking down on prostitution recently, including reverse prostitution stings. Oh, I’ll just let the Courier Times describe it:

Police said they had to wait until money and sex were mentioned before making an arrest. Customers waiting to talk to a “prostitute” aren’t breaking the law, they said. Stings involving “working girls” increase in the summer, police said, because street walkers work out in the open and are easier to spot. [...] It was the third time in recent weeks that area police said an undercover “prostitute” was used to capture “johns” — the slang for a hooker’s customers.

Looks like someone just discovered how to make quote marks! Six people were arrested, and it could have been more, but the fake prostitute was just too hot.

But Saturday’s Special Investigations Division undercover operation, also known as a “reversal” because a real prostitute isn’t in the picture — went smoothly.

And there “could’ve been a seventh” arrest, several cops said, except that the potential customer rear-ended another vehicle while staring in the rearview mirror of his SUV. Police said he probably was looking at the undercover female officer, who was wearing tight-fitting shorts while negotiating with a man in a car.

So, uh, the cops went out to harass weirdos looking for sex on the street and ended up causing a car crash. Nice work, officers!

Police crack down on prostitution [Bucks County Courier Times]

Dunkin’ Donuts Colors Called ‘Shocking’


Yesterday, officials in Milford Township, Bucks County, finally approved a drive-through Dunkin’ Donuts just off the Quakertown Exit of the Pennsylvania Turnpike. The doughnut shop was approved after changing the design to a “colonial architectural style that would fit in with the Upper Bucks township.”

What was the problem with the original Dunkin’ Donuts? Well, you can read for yourself:

“You drive around our state and others and the villages and towns are a hodgepodge and are ugly. This keeps us neat,” said Supervisor Tim Damiani.

It also means the store will be designed with more muted, earth-tone colors, and not the bright orange familiarly associated with the chain.

Original plans for the location called for a flat 1950s-style roof with “shocking, startling colors,” said township manager Jeff Vey, so township officials requested the developer rework the design

There really is nothing more frightening than the orange and hot pink. If an NFL team picked those as their colors, they’d go 19-0 and win the Super Bowl every year.

Officials OK new doughnut shop [The Intelligencer]
Thanks, Joe

The Great Chick-O-Stick Prison Scandal


Two inmates in Bucks County prison have filed a grievance against high snack prices in the commissary. The Intelligencer explains their complaint:

Ryan Barrie and Ryan Kerwin have each filed a grievance citing a “price fixing/monopoly scandal” against the correctional facility and the Keefe Commissary Network, which supplies snack food for inmates. [...] The main beef, according to their complaint, which they mailed to the newspaper, is the cost of an Atkinson’s Chick-O-Stick, an orange-colored, crunchy peanut butter and toasted coconut candy. It previously sold for 40 cents but the price was raised to “an unbelievable $0.90 overnight,” the complaint says.

The other item specified in their complaint is the three-ounce package of Maruchan Ramen noodle soup. It sells for 18 cents in state prisons but is 95 cents in Bucks County jail, the inmates wrote. “Why and how is Keefe allowed to offer the same product, in the same region, with such a great price differential?” the complaint asks.

A 50-cent price raise on Chick-O-Stick?! Simply unconscionable. Forget about prison overcrowding in Philadelphia, where are the lawyers fighting for the inmate rights to cheaper Chick-O-Stick and ramen noodles?

Prison inmates complain of snack ’scandal’ [The Intelligencer]

Buxco Teen/Parent Sex Romp


Above are the mugshots of Lynne Long (left) and Angela Honeycutt, who were charged yesterday with several crimes stemming from a sleepover at Long’s house in Lower Makefield. Honeycutt allegedly had sex with a 15-year-old in the shower while Long encouraged other kids there to listen in.

The woman, a friend of the mother whose son hosted the April 11 party, allegedly talked sex with the boys and kissed a 15-year-old boy before saying, “Who wants to take a shower?”

She then had intercourse with the teen in the shower and later engaged in sexual acts with a 14-year-old boy in the shower, police said.

All the while, the homeowner and mother of the party’s host was listening with some of the boys — ages 14 to 16 — to the moaning in the bathroom, police said. The mother allegedly told the boys, “You can’t tell anyone.”

They’re both charged with a litany of crimes, as you might’ve be able to guess. Conversations involving the word MILF are at present up 900 percent in the area.

Cops: Teen sleepover became sex romp [Bucks County Courier Times]

McCain Postpones Area Visit


In an attempt to make a throwaway morning post all that much harder, John McCain has postponed his Bucks County “town hall” meeting until Monday. Let’s hope this will give more time for people with hilarious questions to come up with them.

Scary old McCain — I saw one of his new ads on Jeopardy! I wasn’t sure if it was John McCain for President, or The Happening. will visit Worth & Company in Pipersville, Bucks County.

There is obviously a backstory here: Worth & Co. is, naturally, under investigation by the state for allegedly violating the Prevailing Wage Law, cheating its employees out of $142,000 in wages. John McCain will no doubt berate the company and its employees during his visit, and then go to Sesame Place for some kick-ass water slides.

McCain to visit area firm [The Intelligencer]
Town Hall Meeting in Pipersville, PA []

Man Wrestles Deer In Hair Salon


Philly Edge’s Joe Student passed along a tale of some “breaking news” in Quakertown: A man wrestling with a deer.

Randy Goepfert, 36, had just finished paying for his haircut at Holiday Hair in Quakertown Plaza off Route 309 when he heard a loud thump. He turned around and saw that a buck with four to six inch antlers had rammed against the salon’s glass window. A second later the deer burst through the glass door within feet of two young children, sending employees and the handful of customers shrieking.

“I was like, ‘Oh my God!,’ ” said 9-year-old William Frei of Haycock, who was playing a hand-held video game in a waiting area when the deer rammed through the door within a yard of him. “Me and my mom jumped on our chairs.”

As the deer slid and stamped about, knocking shampoo and mouse bottles from a display rack, Goepfert, a sturdily-built 5-foot-10, tackled the animal and gripped it in a headlock. He wrestled with the animal for about two minutes, but the deer eventually kicked him hard in the back and broke free.

Hey, instead of just saying, “Won’t someone think of the children,” Goepfert went out there and protected the children. By putting a deer in a headlock. “I didn’t get one during hunting season,” Goepfert said. “And then here’s one today.” Indeed. Somebody give that man a medal.

BREAKING: Patron protects children as deer barrels into Quakertown hair salon [The Intelligencer]

Partying ‘Til You Just Have To Rob Somebody


The above photo, KYW 1060 reports, is of 31-year-old Andre Smith, partying Saturday night at a Bensalem bar. He saw some women, “injected himself into their conversation” and snapped a few photos. He was later kicked out of the bar, missing out on any more $2 pints.

Later, he allegedly robbed the women at a nearby convenience store. He was caught on Sunday and is charged with robbery and related offenses. Whoops.

Fingered by his own photo [KYW 1060]