OMG STFU NEWB PAEDOPHILE

State police have busted a dude with a collection of child porn apparently by using tactics from the Book of ChrissMari:

BENSALEM - State police have busted another alleged child porn collector in Bucks County after trolling the Internet.

They managed to catch the dude after countless hours spent telling newbies to go back to other forums, telling bloggers their blogs aren’t as good as they used to be and exhorting the candidacy of Ron Paul.

Man charged with collecting child porn [Bucks County Courier Times]

Extended Daylight Savings Time To Doom Us All

Every once in a while, an article comes along that breaks all barriers between parody and seriousness. A reader — even a seasoned media-obsessed reader like myself — simply cannot tell if the people in the article are serious, if the writer is serious or if the article is some sort of elaborate scheme between journalist and source to make readers’ heads explode in confusion. This is one of those articles.

It’s a trick, a treat or a “nightmare.”

The government changes time.

You drive to work in darkness. You drive home in darkness.

Suddenly, child vampires and ghouls are wandering the streets before the sun goes down on Halloween.

And you spend your diminishing daylight hours changing all the clocks on TVs, VCRs, cell phones. (Don’t forget the microwave and coffeemaker.)

For the first time ever, daylight-saving time was pushed back to the first Sunday in November this year. The sun won’t set till 7:30 p.m. on Halloween. In some places, it won’t rise until 7:30 a.m.

The government says the time shift could save energy.

Area psychologists say it will also make us stressed, leave some depressed and possibly weaken our immune systems. And we might never recover.

If only we had such strong writing in the run-up to the Iraq War, maybe we wouldn’t be in this mess. The Bucks County Courier Times has given us a wonderful gift: The greatest news story of all time.

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Cuddling Sells

Cuddle buddies, eh? That’s what the kids are calling it nowadays, I guess. Good to know.

Boys collecting ‘cuddle buddies’ [Bucks County Courier Times]

Suburbanites Are Cul-De-Suckers

The Bucks County Courier Times today fills us all in on the number one problem facing America today. That is, of course, cul-de-sacs.

For those who don’t know, a cul-de-sac is the highly sensitive area behind the cervix that can cause female orgasm. No, wait! Wrong cul-de-sac! A cul-de-sac, at least for purposes of this article, is a suburban street (usually in a development) that separates has no outlet. Its purpose is to cut down traffic on residential streets.

Apparently, though, in recent years the cul-de-sac has become a menace, with New Urbanists (whoever they are) saying that the cul-de-sac actually increases traffic in suburban areas! Not on the cul-de-sac, of course, but on other roads in the area. Essentially, the anti-cul-de-sac movement is all part of the suburban backlash of the past 10 years or so.

Still, though, those New Urbanists can get pretty nasty:

Here and across the country, some municipalities have limited or banned cul-de-sacs altogether in favor of streets laid out in more orderly grids. And many urban planners view the suburban dead-end streets with a scorn usually reserved for, say, foot fungus.

“Cul-de-suck” is just one derisive nickname.

Just one? Oh, please, Courier Times, we demand a full list!

Are cul-de-sacs more of a nuisance than a benefit? [Bucks County Courier Times]

The Big Questions, Answered

A headline in today’s Bucks County Courier Times:

Rain. What do I win?

What’s behind recent flooding? [BCCT]

Leftovers: Friday Makes Us Happy

• BREAKING: BARBARO INFECTION TREATED; HORSE NOW ON FOURTH CAST. DETAILS TK. [NBC 10]

• One time, a long, long time ago — okay, 1999 — we saw Gabriel Byrne’s character from End of Days cut a promo for the movie on some wrestling program in character. His character in that film was, of course, Satan. So… it was a little weird. We were reminded of this earlier today when we started speaking in the royal we and read an article in Metro where a Rick Santorum impersonator answered questions in character. “I think the increase in crime is a lack of godlessness in this country and a lack of spirituality and an open embracement of gay love.” You see, this is weird. Prolly not as weird as cutting a promo as Satan, though. [Metro]

• Casinos could open by nightfall. Duh! They can’t just say, “Hey, casino inspectors! Start workin’ and we’ll pay you when we sign the budget.” That would make too much sense. [CBS 3/AP]

• Crime log quickie: “2 juveniles, 9, 10, no addresses given, 7:26 p.m., Mon, retail theft at Electronic Boutique, no value given, released to family members.” Tee hee. Someone got caught trying to steal a video game. [Bucks County Courier Times]

• This story about the ridiculous bus crash on the way back from a field trip gets weirder and weirder with each read. The strangest line is still, though, is the 18-year-old driver saying something like, “[I] used to flip cars over for fun.” [Daily News]

• And, finally, the story of the week: If Pennsylvania had a budget crisis similar to New Jersey, which it doesn’t have, and if it had slots, which it doesn’t have, those hypothetical slots would be shut down. And the King of Mexico would have to be called in to solve the problem. [BCCT]

3rd Of July Link Dump: This May Be All You Get

• Late last week, Brian Tierney took questions online from readers. Aside from the usual stupidity — someone asking if Michael Smerconish could edit the Inquirer, a person wanting a gift shop/waiting room at 400 N. Broad that people could read the paper in, etc. — Tierney provides this comment in response to someone who reads Metro instead of the Daily News: I’ve always thought Metro was a little overpriced ;)” OMG LOL! [Philly.com]

• Despite an absolutely atrocious team, the Phillies have three All-Stars: Chase Utley, Ryan Howard and Tom Gordon. And at the halfway point, the Phillies have a 37-44 record, their worst first half since 2002. It’s okay, though, the Phillies are set for the second half after trading for 5-foot-7, 175-pound F. Castro! Okay, it’s Fabio Castro, which is almost as funny as if the Phillies signed Fidel. [Inquirer, Phillies.com]

• Philadelphia loses its biggest celebrity: Lil’ Kim was released from prison this morning. Throngs of fans — and, assumedly, Dan Gross — greeted her today. Huzzah! [AP/Philly.com]

• Faye Flam’s Carnal Knowledge column celebrates its first year today with a quiz about sex. And the first question? “1. What does a male honeybee do after he finishes having sex with the queen?” I think I’ll stick to worrying about human sex, thanks. [Inquirer]

• A group of people ordered cheesesteaks at Geno’s the other day in Spanish, which means we’ve hit a tipping point: The (hardcore) protesters of Geno’s have finally gotten more annoying than Joe Vento himself. (Eh, maybe. Definitely not as annoying as Vento’s more vociferous supporters, though.) But, eh, we’re sure the big guy will find a way to tip that scale back to his side any day now. [Inquirer]

• A meeting of the minds! The Bucks County Courier Times‘ J.D. Mullane and Lyndon Larouche! [Bucks County Courier Times]

• And, really, what would a day be without Irresistible Ella? She’s somehow reporting in front of a static fireworks display. [NBC 10]

Overwritten Lead Of The Moment, Tragedy Edition

The lead to a story in today’s Bucks County Courier Times about the possible closing of Pike Lanes:

Sam Wilf survived Auschwitz.

But after running Pike Lanes in Southampton for 30 years with his wife and son, it looked like his business wouldn’t survive.

Bowling alley gets a spare [Bucks County Courier Times]

New Favorite Part Of Cricket: Ear-Pulling

A man in Bucks County — who was simply trying to let his son be able to order a cheesesteak at Geno’s — has gotten in trouble for beating his child with a paddle because he refused to learn English.

Or, at least, that’s what the police say. Yes, the Bucks County Courier Times story reports police said Darshan Patel paddled his 3-year-old nephew because he wasn’t speaking English. (And, therefore, would have to go to Pat’s.) He’s charged with endangering the welfare of a child and other offenses.

But relatives of Patel say the two were just playing cricket, which the Courier helpfully notes is “a popular game in India and England using a ball and paddle.” Continuing on:

Police were called to the Country Club Apartments on Veterans Highway about 5:34 p.m. Saturday because a witness claimed to see Darshan Patel smack the boy, strike him with the cricket paddle and pull his ears, according to the complaint. Police said the boy was standing in the open trunk of a Mercedez Benz next to Darshan Patel when they arrived. Darshan Patel told police he was playing with the child, but also said he was trying to teach the boy English, according to the complaint.

PJ Patel said the two were just playing cricket and his cousin had placed the boy in the open truck because the ground was still wet. He said neighbors just didn’t understand what the two were doing.

Because, really, where else do you go when the ground gets wet besides the trunk of a Benz?

Man charged with striking child with paddle [Bucks County Courier Times]

Duck-Related Lead Of The Year

Returning from a 10-day Caribbean cruise, Jerry and Claire Miller got a fine-feathered welcome home that was so startling, it set their hearts aflutter. In medical terms, it was a near case of cardi-quack arrest.

Needless to say, this is from the Bucks County Courier Times.

There’s a duck at the door [Bucks County Courier Times]