Abridged ‘Daily News’ Columnists

Michael Smerconish: Not content to get your political opinions from The Ultimate Warrior? Well, Mike Smerconish lets us know what Bruno Fucking Sammartino thinks about the current world of pro wrestling! (I thought he was going to talk about immigration or something.) Oh, and “Pro wrestling has long been a ghost of its former self,” sez Mike.

Ronnie Polaneczky: Do you have a spare $100,000?

Phil Goldsmith: Fuck, it’s a Declaration of Independence parody. I’m not even going to read it to abridge it. Ha ha, I do that all the time anyway.

Stu Bykofsky: Uhh, what the fuck? Michael Smerconish’s Bruno Sammartino column is looking better and better after reading these other ones.