Memo To Philly.com

Uhm, guys, you changed the front page photo. Uhm, I guess that’s a little better. But if you’re going the pageviews over journalism route, just plaster her tits all over the front page and be done with it. Had we but world enough, and time, this coyness, Philly.com, were no crime. But this is 2008 and there are boobs all over the Internet.

Boobs On The Internet

From the Philadelphia Livejournal, which is pretty much the emo version of Phillyblog:

I am looking for suggestions on where I can order a boob cake. I’d like to have it by Saturday night, which is know is very short notice. Does anyone have any suggestions on a great bakery?

If I can’t find one, I’ll just have to make one, which I don’t really want to do.

What? Who wouldn’t want to make a boob cake?

Boob Cake [LJ Philly]

Clinton Likes Breasts As Much As I Do

OH EM GEE Hillary Clinton is going to cure breast cancer! On Ellen!

Bra/Wallet Combo To End Poverty

The Daily Pennsylvanian reports on a great new product, in as much as it involves breasts: The Brallet!

It’s a combo breast enhancer and wallet so you can have bigger boobs and hold your ID to get into a club and impress a dude with your bigger boobs. The product, conceived by first-year MBA student Sara Tenenbein, is the lead in a story about the Wharton Business Plan Competition. “Other ideas range from socks designed for below-knee amputees [so, mittens?—dmac] to new social networking technology,” the DP writes.

Oh, yeah, and then there’s this other semifinalist proposing low-cost healthy food for diabetics in India. “India is becoming the diabetic capital of the world,” said a team member. But forget that — it has nothing to do with breasts.

Don’t use a purse? Try a brallet [DP]

Breasts To Remain Uncovered

After a two-year legal battle, a judge in New Jersey has thrown out a lawsuit brought by a prison guard claiming she was too well-endowed to wear a protective vest.

Stacey Wilson-Smith, an employee of South Woods State Prison for 25 years, sued the state’s Department of Corrections after being repeatedly sent home and then put on unpaid medical leave for refusing to wear the state-issued and mandated protective vest. “Let’s just say she’s full-bodied,” said her lawyer, calling her fat nicely.

Wilson-Smith alleged the vest caused her pain and left her vulnerable to a shiv attack from an inmate. She wasn’t allowed to purchase her own vest.

“If she had big feet, would they force her to wear boots that are too small?” her lawyer asked the Courier-Post. You can search online, but somehow I don’t think this is her.

Judge: Vest doesn’t make for suit [Camden Courier-Post]

Rittenhouse Grifters Story Continues To Spread

Hey, look at that, the Rittenhouse Grifters story is already all over the news. Basically, here’s what the newspaper are running:

That’s on Philly.com’s front page now, and it links to this Daily News story. I figured I would join the rest of the media outlets in this city and simply use photos of this girl’s tits. Hey, she’s a hot 22 year old, it’s what people actually care about. Lame, but at least I’m honest about it. Bikini photos, too! (We haven’t even speculated on who she looks like yet. Somebody said “Erin O’Hearn,” but that doesn’t count.)

More »

Finally, Some Good News For A Change

Phew! If you’re wondering, the surgeon KYW 1060 talked to was refuting a study from the early 1990s. So if you’ve been letting the girls hang free for the past 15 years… uh, whoops!

Local Surgeon Says Bras Don’t Cause Breast Cancer [KYW 1060]

Fortunately, City Not Neglecting Breasts

Yesterday, City Controller Alan Butkovitz released a report detailing how incompetent the city is, pretty much. (This is his job.)

And one of the more egregious items missing? Why, of course, a mammogram machine, which had somehow apparently been lost. It seems like it might be hard to lose one of those, but, hey, it’s Philly.

But fear not, ladies: The mammogram machine has been found; it was never missing in the first place! Hooray!

Acting Health Commissioner John F. Domzalski, appointed on Friday after a department shakeup, said that the machine, reported missing this morning by Controller Alan Butkovitz, is accounted for and operating at Health Center #4.

Domzalski did say that the Controller’s other findings appear to be true.

So, you know, we got that at least. Phew.

Mammogram Machine Found! [Heard in the Hall]
Thanks, Citizen Mom

Alycia Lane Bikini Comments, Part 2

I’ve decided that for the rest of the week — and by “the week,” I mean today and tomorrow — I’m going to edit the words “Alycia Lane” in relation to seeing her in a bikini like I did yesterday.

Today’s winner is Erin O’Hearn, the 6 ABC reporter — who’s quite good, actually — and who is much like Alycia Lane in that she’s a woman and she works on a local TV station.

Yes, I realize I’m “encouraging” the Alycia Lane bikini comments by responding to them, but whatever, now that I’ve figured out how to do a reasonable approximation of scotch tape in Photoshop¹, it’s on. If you’re wondering why today’s change isn’t particularly funny, it’s because I’m just setting youse up for tomorrow. Duh. If you’re wondering why the woman in the photo I chose has big breasts, uh, I’m a guy.²

¹ Make a new layer, fill in a scotch-tape sized box with light gray (#cccccc if possible) and set opacity to about 50-60 percent.

² Only half true. It was also the first match on Google Image Search. Laziness trumps everything, really.

Yesterday: Regarding The Alycia Lane Bikini Comments

State Senate Strikes Blow For Freedom

The Pennsylvania State Senate has passed legislation that would guarantee a woman the right to breastfeed her baby in public.

But that’s not all. A senator is attempting to pass a whole stack of breastfeeding bills. She also has a bill that, ah, “make[s] sure that women who have been breast feeding their children and go back to work, we want to make sure that they’re not punished at their place of work when they take a break to pump milk to bring home to their baby.” Yes! That!

And companies who aid in breastfeeding — I don’t know how this is done — might be able to get tax breaks under a third bill. Two of the greatest things in the world, together at last: Breasts and tax breaks.

Pa. Senate Passes Public Breast-Feeding Bill [KYW 1060]