Stupor Bowl

The Super Bowl is America’s unofficial national holiday, an amalgam of everything that makes this country great (and, in a way, awful): sports, music, commercialism, John Madden, humor. Oh, and religion. Is it surprising at all that it’s held on a Sunday?

This year’s Super Bowl started off on a down note, for me. I woke up around 10 a.m. or so to find my cable out. A quick call to Comcast and a restarting of my cable box fixed the problem, preventing a bloody coup of the cable company by me. (Come on. Cable out during the Super Bowl? Would it get any worse?)

I figured it was going to be a good day, since once my cable started working I only had to suffer through 15 seconds of Meet the Press before finding none other than The Three Stooges, which included the short where they’re on the train and they get attacked by a lion. If you’re wondering, yes, I believe the Stooges are three of our greatest Americans.

Then, it was time for the Philadelphia Soul, our city’s fine arena football team. If you don’t know what arena football is, it’s kind of like what football would be if it the rules were made up by unusually hyperactive 13-year-old boys. The field is 50 yards, there are walls and one player in yesterday’s game had a beer spilled on him while diving for a catch. Ex-Eagles defensive end Hugh Douglas does halftime commentary. Also, Philly’s team is co-owned by Jon Bon Jovi.

While I was watching that game, I also tuned into the Puppy Bowl, which was on animal planet and featured puppies romping around on a fake field. When one of the puppies pooped on the field, they called a flag for intentional grounding. The Puppy Bowl — Puppy Bowl II, to be exact — was three hours long. Also, the puppies’ introductions were done by Phillies announcer Harry Kalas.

Are you sensing a theme here? Super Bowl Sunday is the greatest day of the year.

Then, the Philadelphia Soul actually defeated the Los Angeles Avengers. The Bon Jovi Boys were buoyed by a play where the Avengers’ quarterback threw the ball backwards while in his own end zone. It was recovered by the Soul for a touchdown.

After what seemed like hours, it was finally time for the Super Bowl. Well, not yet. There was a Motown medley from Stevie Wonder before the big game, and nothing was better than the middle-aged white people they got to jump up and down awkwardly in front of the stage.

Finally, the Super Bowl. Well, no, wait, the Super Bowl introductions. While the Steelers came out to Fatboy Slim’s “Right Here, Right Now,” the Seahawks were treated to The Verve’s “Bittersweet Symphony,” which is pump-me-up music if I ever heard it. The Seahawks were doomed.

And, yes, despite dominating the first half, the Seahawks went into halftime down 7-3, due to a bunch of mistakes and the Steelers having paid off the referees before the game. Ha ha! I kid, folks. But the Steelers did get seven points in the first half despite failing to score a touchdown. The refs just sorta gave them seven. Maybe there was a scoreboard malfunction.

Speaking of malfunctions, the halftime show was, eh. It was okay. They had a U2-esque circle stage with people in the center, although early in the set they were covered by a giant tongue. I’m not quite sure how “giant tongue” means “Rolling Stones,” but what do I know about music? Everyone made a lot of fun of the halftime show, but when you really think about it, the people up there singing actually fought in World War I. It’d be like Willard Scott and Bea Arthur going on tour.

Two other notes about the game: The announcing by John Madden was, as usual, fantastic, especially every time he said “gadget play” and the part where he set a world record for most times saying “bootleg” in a 30-second span (272). The commercials? Eh, not so much. Really, all of them kind of sucked. Anheuser-Busch spent approximately $90 billion dollars on 32 Bud Light ads, and all but one of them made me want to drink any other beer but Bud Light. After a season of amazing football ads, Burger King dropped the ball almost as much as Jerramy Stevens (although the King did have a cameo, so it wasn’t all bad). And Pepsi had an ad with Jay Mohr and P. Diddy. Need I say more?

As for the end of the game, the Steelers won, so hurrah for ex-Eagles Duce Staley, Sean Morey and even coach Bill Cowher, who played for the Frankford Yellowjackets, I think. Or maybe it was the Steagles. After the game, Jerome Bettis retired and ate five turduckens in celebration. John Madden one-upped him by eating seven.

After the game, it was a code black on Grey’s Anatomy — which, by the way, is funnier than Scrubs — which apparently means “There’s World War II-era unexploded ammunition inside a patient and only Christina Ricci’s hand can save the hospital from exploding.” Wow. You’d think they wouldn’t have given such a bigtime color to that. That should be code periwinkle or something.

All in all, it was a good day, capped off by the lead story on Action News: It’s colder out now than it was earlier today. And with that, all the kiddies lay down their heads, and said a prayer in honor of the holy day. In the name of the Madden, and of the Stooges, and of the Holy Bettis. Amen.