Ooh, Steve Earle!

Here’s an ad for this weekend’s Philadelphia Folk Festival; I just saw it on TV. It was apparently produced in 1971. It is awesome.

Calling Out SEPTA On Diesel Buses

An enterprising Philadelphian sent an email to my boss late last week remarking on a trip to Toronto. It seems in the city is known for more than just being clean; it also has electric trolleys. SEPTA, meanwhile, recently purchased 400 new hybrid buses, which run on diesel fuel.

Our traveler went upon himself to inform Philadelphians of this situation in the best way possible (click to enlarge):

The text reads:

SEPTA’s new “hybrid” buses burn diesel fuel. Thousands of gallons, each and every day.

If we cared, we would buy new clean zero-emissions electric trolley cars, instead.

But we don’t care. And you can’t make us.

We’re SEPTA. Third-rate in every way.

Mocking SEPTA is kind of an official Philadelphia Will Do pastime, and I have to say this is simply a fantastic effort — especially the placement of the ad. Five stars.

Want to make your own fun? Here’s the flier as a .pdf. But you better print it out on recycled paper!!

Gun Control Groups Duped By McLovin

Earlier this week, Mother Jones ran a story about Mary McFate, a respected gun-control advocate and board member of groups like Ceasefire PA. Well, ha ha, it turns out she was actually a spy for gun advocacy groups; her real name is Mary Lou Sapone.

So, yes: A bunch of gun control organizations were fooled by a woman who said her last name was McFate. Apparently she thought Fakey McFakerstein would have been a little too obvious. She wasn’t too worried about being caught, apparently, as a reporter from the magazine called Mary McFate’s home number, asked for Mary Lou Sapone and got her on the line.

Meanwhile, Ceasefire PA is holding out hope:

Phil Goldsmith, president of CeaseFire PA, said he had also tried to reach McFate after publication of the Mother Jones article Wednesday, to no avail. He said he would ask the 17-member board to remove McFate in the next 10 days if he did not hear from her.

I’m not quite sure what secret information she could have gleaned from her undercover work. Maybe she just did it for the lulz.

There’s Something About Mary [Mother Jones]
A trusted Pa. gun-control ally… and NRA spy? [Inquirer]

Philly.com Is On Drugs — Really

Be still my heart. It’s like my two worlds (drug column and blog where I have made fun of Philly.com for almost three years) have collided! The current Philly.com front page is about stoner comedies. Yes, the paper that wrote about the area’s “marijuana overdoses” last November has its film critic writing about movies that essentially have weed as the main character.

As you may have also noticed, the other big story tonight is: OMG the giant fat cat is going to be on Regis tomorrow everybody celebrate like gangbusters!!!

Smoking the funny stuff [Inquirer]

Letter Writer: Teens Are Ugly Opium Eaters

Did you guys read the current issue of the Northeast Times yet? If you didn’t, you missed this letter, possibly the best one the paper has ever printed. (And it is really a tough contest.)

Sick and tired of the teens in Fox Chase

I am writing in response to Miss Sondra Lorino’s letter last week (Memo to bike-seat thief: You’re a coward). Frankly, I think it is utterly ridiculous that these hoodlums stole an innocent girl’s bike seat. I myself am sick and tired of the teenagers in this neighborhood. Last week I was walking my beloved Boston terrier Otto though the path at Burholme Park, when he cut his paw open on a broken beer bottle left by ignorant teens. It’s bad enough they’re hurting the neighborhood, but now small children and animals? Luckily my dog was OK, but who’s going to pay the vet bill? Maybe next time instead of buying a case of Zima or whatever they’re drinking these days, they can reimburse me for Otto’s left paw.

I also noticed Ms. Lorino’s concern about the recreation center. This too makes me very angry. It’s a recreation center meant for the youth, but it’s filled with teenagers and drugs. It’s beginning to remind me of an opium den in Taiwan. It’s occupied with ugly-looking teens and little kids using playground equipment. Does this make any sense? You tell me!

Who’s here to stop all these? Fox Chase Town Watch? Where are they? We would be better off having a blind version of the A-Team minus Face and Mr. T. Sure, I do see them patrolling, and they do help out a lot, but we need more. We need to reinforce the curfew laws. I see kids no older than 14 running around the neighborhood at 4 in the morning all souped up on God-knows-what. They’re out there throwing pennies and apples at people. Also I see the young girls walking around drunk with grown men. Where are the parents? Remember, the world revolves around action and responsibility.

Ahh, yes, the ol’ “blind version of the A-Team minus Face and Mr. T” reference. And I think it’s silly this letter writer doesn’t get why the young girls are walking around with grown men: As he proved in his previous paragraph, teenagers nowadays are ugly. Plus grown men can get something better than Zima, which not even teenagers drink anymore.

With apologies to Vogt Playground, which isn’t even in Fox Chase. Eh.

Medium To Conjure Up A Lawsuit

I don’t know what the reaction is of people who visit this site for the first time and see themselves or something they treasure dear, like Yelp or Barbaro, being made fun of. But perhaps our psychic friend the Inquirer profiled the other day can let me know!

Yes, as best I can tell — it came from an account with the username “spiritmanjoseph,” and mediums are well-known to use Cavalier’s Internet service — this email is from the dude the dead communicate by showing him images of coffee cans (and probably other dosage forms of drugs, too!):

I do not know where you get your information and where you think that you can get away with writting the crap you do about others. I came across your trashy article about me and my work and you really should be ashamed of yourself. Does anyone actually read your garbage or buy your newspaper? They must be real losers, like yourself. Believe me you will be hearing from my attorney and I recommend that you remove that trash from your web site. Have a great day JACKASS!

Sending an email wishing a great day and calling someone a jackass is how most lawsuits begin. Now, will I be hearing from his attorney, or his attorney from beyond the grave??

July 9: The Dead Just Messing With This Medium

Are The 76ers Bringing Back The Old Jerseys?

Anybody who was ambivalent about the 76ers signing Elton Brand has to be swayed now. Before yesterday’s press conference introducing him to Philadelphia, Brand posed for photos. But he only posed in the throwbacks from the 1983 season.

The Sixers occasionally wore these Jerseys last year — they’re actually the jerseys the 76ers wore from 1978-1991 — and they are absolutely 100 million billion times better than their current ugly uniforms. (They are not as awesome as the ugly, ugly, ugly jerseys the 76ers wore from 1991-1994.) The blog Sixers 4 Guidos has been campaigning for months to bring back those jerseys; have their prayers been answered?

Old Sixers unis look great on Brand, BRING THEM BACK! [Sixers 4 Guidos]
[Thumbnail via Flickr user sixersphotos]

‘Bulletin’ Identifies New Mental Illness

Bulletin columnist Herb Denenberg has a column today that’s awesomely titled Liberal Media Downplays Threat Of Terrorism To Elect Democrats, and by the fourth paragraph he’s in full amazing mode.

Still another is the anti-American, blame-America-first bias of the mainstream media. This tendency knows no end as recently demonstrated by a Philadelphia Inquirer column that should get the Pulitzer Prize for Stupidity. This column took the position we should hang our heads in shame on July 4th rather than celebrate it, and it should become a day of atonement instead of a day of celebration of the greatest nation in the history of the world. But I know the columnist and don’t blame him. He suffers from the mental disease described by the great historian Paul Johnson - anti-Americanism. And he represents the tendencies of the mainstream, liberal media.

He’s talking about this column last week by Chris Satullo, which is superbly non-controversial but made Rush Limbaugh angry. (I’m not sure why we can safely ignore the even-more-popular American Idol’s political opinions and not Rush Limbaugh.) This response is also pretty hilarious.

Anyway, sorry to hear you’re mentally ill, Chris Satullo. Maybe with Obama’s evil free medicine (how dare he not really even propose that!) you can get some treatment for your anti-Americanism, which I believe will also be in the new DSM.

Liberal Media Downplays Threat Of Terrorism To Elect Democrats [The Bulletin]

Heroes Try To Stop Stupid City Council Law

Okay, it’s time to write more about my new favorite people in this city: The ones suing the city for its new law requiring tour guide licensing.

They are simply on the attack with an all-out media blitz following up on Elmer Smith’s column yesterday. There is an op-ed from an Institute for Justice lawyer in the Inquirer and another in the Daily News from one of the tour guides suing.

The writing by the I4J’s Bob McNamara is full of typical unintentionally hilarious libertarian seriousness — “This is a direct assault on fundamental American freedoms” — but makes the argument pretty clear: The government is limiting who can talk on streetcorners by imposing requirements on what they can say with a tour guide test. That’s not the reason I gave for keeping tour guides unlicensed — they tell awesome lies like, “City Tavern is where the First Continental Congress met” — but it seems to make sense.

The city can probably institute optional “factually-certified™” tour guide registration or whatever, but can’t make it mandatory. Either way this shakes out, I’m totally looking into setting up a tour where you can be sure you won’t be told one accurate thing at all.

Also, since I’ve been laughing at awful Internet comments all week — I do this all the time, but I’ve been posting some of them the past couple days — this comment on the Daily News article is awesome.

ghost stories and anecdotes are a far cry from patently false or misleading information about historical events, which I believe is the main concern here. Statements made in the course of doing one’s job are not protected by the first amendment. If I sell hot dogs and I tell my customers my hot dogs will make them taller, I’m a liar and will be fired (or lose my customers). i have no recourse under the first amendment. Your efforts should be directed at making sure the law is implemented as fairly as possible, with everyone’s best interests in mind. If you try to have the law struck down with a free speech argument you will be wasting your time.

This is also awesome: “Mike Tait is a Philadelphia tour guide who is filing a lawsuit today against the city to secure his constitutional rights.”

Photo by waffler, Creative Commons license

Stephen Starr Buys Broad Street Diner

Stephen Starr has bought the Broad Street Diner at Broad and Ellsworth streets. Michael Klein notes that Kirsten Henri dreamed of this in January on Foobooz. Starr says he googled “Broad Street Diner” and found the post after he signed the letter of intent to buy it.

(Google now updates its results so quickly the new posts about Stephen Starr at the diner are up on the front page. It would be much funnier if Stephen Starr googles himself or perhaps this.)

Henri’s reaction: “I AM INSIDE THE HEAD OF STEPHEN STARR.”

Photo by pwbaker, Creative Commons license