This Is Everything I Love About The Local News

This was steel-jawed Sexy Single John Atwater, just now at the end of the 5 o’clock news (paraphrased, sorry, there’s no TiVo here):

“Reports say a giant asteroid could be headed straight for earth. Find out the chances of that happening and what you should know about it tonight at 10.”

To be fair, both Atwater and Dawn Stensland acted a bit incredulous that a giant asteroid was headed to destroy the earth. On the other hand, we don’t get to find out ’til after Are You Smarter Than A Fifth Grader whether the Earth is being destroyed, just like every other teaser on local TV.

Update, 10:23 p.m.: It just got previewed on the news. We should know soon, and I’ll let you know if the asteroid is going to hit the earth when John Atwater tells me.

Update, 10:32 p.m.: Dawn Stensland told us that there is a 1 in 44,000 chance of us being hit by an asteroid in 2036. Congress is on it, she said, so I assume we’ll all be dead by tomorrow. (Zing!)

Now they’re on to this story about a newborn with a foot in his head. Ooh, now they’re down at Geno’s!

CNN Runs Out Of Questions To Ask

This is basically the equivalent of asking: “If you could be King of Mexico, what kind of crown would you want?” It’s a question with exactly zero relevance to anyone reading CNN.com. And just because Miles O’Brien likes boring ol’ space doesn’t mean I want to hear anything about it. Wake me up when we go back to the fucking moon.

On the plus side, at least Ron Paul won’t be winning this Internet poll. It’ll be the first one he hasn’t won in months.

CNN.com
Holy Shit, Man Walks On Fucking Moon [The Onion]