Sparks To Be Taken Off Market

Nooooooooo! MillerCoors (their U.S. operations are combined) has announced it will stop selling Sparks and other alcoholic energy drinks. The company had been sued earlier this year by the Center for Science in the Public Interest in an attempt to get Sparks off the market.

Cue the victorious quotes!

“Attorneys general from around the country are gravely concerned about premixed alcoholic energy drinks because these products are dangerous and look and taste like popular nonalcoholic energy drinks,” said Maine Attorney General Steve Rowe. “They’re popular with young people who wrongly believe that the caffeine will counteract the intoxicating effects of the alcohol.” [...]

“Now that Anheuser-Busch and MillerCoors have each agreed separately to discontinue caffeinated alcoholic drinks, this entire niche of products is all but shut down,” [the director of the Center for Science in the Public Interest] said.

Nobody, of course, can mix alcohol and caffeine themselves; one needs a chemistry degree for that.

It actually gets worse. Sparks isn’t technically going off the market altogether; MillerCoors will “continue to sell a reformulated version of Sparks that does not include caffeine, taurine, guarana and ginseng.” That means it’s all the disgusting taste of Sparks without any of the kick. Goodbye (real) Sparks, we hardly knew ye.

MillerCoors Agrees to Stop Selling Alcoholic Energy Drinks [Join Together]
Image by Justin used under a Creative Commons license

Main Liner Shockingly Annoyed

Today’s question for Salon advice columnist Cary Tennis comes from some snooty rich person on the Main Line (I guess), and is as follows: My neighbor’s son is playing basketball from 3:30 p.m. to 7 p.m., and I can’t stand the bouncing. Also, I will point out that he sucks at hoops.

Gawd, how bad is it that a kid wants to get out and get some exercise and attempt to better himself at something he clearly enjoys doing! The nerve of that stupid little punk.

The real question is, of course: How close could houses in a “lawned and leafy, neo-bucolic suburb of Philadelphia” be? And how loud could a basketball being dribbled be, especially when it’s at 3:30 in the afternoon? And how could you live that close to Narberth and be annoyed by basketball?

Anyway, if you’re an adult with a kid who loves basketball and plays a lot, I suggest you start teaching him some new skills: Like shotput throwing, drumming or possibly screaming contests.

He dribbles! He shoots! He drives me insane! [Salon]
Thanks, Emily G.

‘Gay News’ Clumsily Dogging Obama

Ha ha, remember when the Philadelphia Gay News‘ coverage of Obama not giving them an interview wasn’t annoying? That’s impossible, actually, since it was always annoying. But the front page last week was pretty clever, so I ran with that instead.

Since Monday, PGN Publisher Mark Segal has been sending out an email to various press people detailing the one question the paper has for Obama. I’m not quite sure why I’m getting it; I don’t know Senator Obama and I don’t think I can get him to answer this one question:

How would you advise Pennsylvania Democrat State Senator’s to vote on The Anti Gay Marriage Legislation before them NOW.

You know what? I think the grammar needs to be cleaned up a bit before Obama will answer that question. Gawd, there isn’t a big enough red pen to correct that sentence.

Update: OMG someone has posted in the comments that Philebrity made fun of the same emails we got first. Alert the authorities!

Union Resorting To Underhanded Tactics

The protesters you may have seen marching down 15th Street yesterday dressed entirely in purple — the color of the Minnesota Vikings! — were from the Service Employees International Union Local 32BJ. Ha ha, BJ.

The protest yesterday was for, uhm, fair wages. Seems like a good thing to protest for. The union’s contract with building owners and cleaning companies expires Oct. 16 and a strike will be authorized “if necessary.”

Still, I’m a little disgusted at SEIU’s underhanded, immoral tactics. Some of the union workers yesterday (like the ones in the photo) had Thunderstix, the ridiculously annoying noisemakers sometimes given out at baseball games and other various sporting events.

Those things should be illegal. They’re pretty much the most irritating things on the planet, and if the union wants to keep using them, then the public needs to turn on them. Drop the Thunderstix, get fair wages. Deal?

Phila. office cleaners authorize strike ‘if necessary’ [Philadelphia Business Journal]