Angels Move From Onion Rings To Wooden Doors

It must be fun being NBC 10 Jersey Shore bureau reporter Ted Greenberg. Two days ago, he covered the car crash that saved a man from choking to death on onion rings. (I just write this stuff, I don’t make it up.)

And the big story Greenberg had yesterday: Well, of course, it was a Cape May County woman who sees angels in the doors of her business, making this the second straight day angels have played a role in Greenberg’s reporter.

As far as signs from God go, this is kind of a lame one. (Sorry, Lord.) Okay, crashing a car so an onion ring would become dislodged isn’t quite the sun dancing in the sky, turning water into wine or a burning bush (or, uh, raising from the dead), but saving a man’s life seems like a pretty good use of angels.

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Fast Food Nearly Kills Someone Quickly This Time

Yesterday, NBC 10 ran a breaking exclusive story of a man who choked on an onion ring and then crashed his truck because of it. Miraculously, though, the crash saved his life because it dislodged the onion ring.

Basically, this story encompasses everything one needs to know about America: giant automobiles, fast food, God and stupidity.

Bryan Rocco has a hunger for fast food but never thought a Burger King onion ring would almost kill him, NBC 10’s Ted Greenberg reported. “I was eating my lunch on the road,” Rocco said, adding that he soon found himself “gasping for air.”

Nice lead-in. Wouldn’t that work for every story where someone dies or nearly dies? “Bob Smith liked skydiving, but he never thought his ‘chute wouldn’t open!”

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God Communicating Solely Through Eggplants

Earlier this week we were introduced to the “GOO” or “GIO” eggplant, which some people also said might spell “GOD.” One wonders why, exactly, God would chose to communicate through Solanum melongena, instead of the more traditional forms of prophets, Bibles and sleazy TV evangelists. But one also can’t really question the Big G. I mean, what are you gonna do, tell God it’s lame to communicate through eggplants? Yeah, you go ahead, I don’t want to be vaporized like in Raiders of the Lost Ark.

You see, we now have another God communication through an eggplant. A Camden County woman says she found three angels in an eggplant, clearly a sign that the almighty wants her to go on television and talk about finding angels in her eggplant.

And that’s what she did, to 6 ABC, your #1 source for heavenly eggplant communication. (They even have an update of the previous story, about how the “GOD” eggplant might go up for sale! “And God said, sell this plant to GoldenPalace.com…”)

Vincenza Martino bought the eggplant earlier this week from a vendor in Jerz, and as she was slicing it up, she found the seeds formed angels, or at least whatever Western view we have of angels (cloaked in white, etc.). But I assume God knows what we think angels look like, so He knows what pattern to move those seeds into.

Martino even gave a slice of the holy eggplant to a customer who is very sick. (He cried.) 6 ABC reports she works seven mornings a week and doesn’t go to church, even though the deli she works at is plastered in photos of Pope Benedict. She says the deli is her temple. “God is here, like he’s in the church,” Martino said.

This is sort of Bible-centric. I believe the quote is, “Do this in memory of me… and if you have to work or something, then just eat eggplant instead.” Except in Aramaic, I guess.

New Jersey Woman Finds Angels In Eggplant [6 ABC]
Holy Eggplant! [6 ABC]