Aww, Cutest Protest Ever!

Yesterday, about 100 dog lovers — along with their yawning four-legged friends — protested in Harrisburg yesterday in favor of new legislation against puppy mills. As you may know, the Amish — who I can write anything about because they don’t have the Internet — and other unsavory types run a ton of puppy mills in Pennsylvania. I believe we’re the “Puppy Mill Capital of the East Coast.” (We’re #1! We’re #1!)

“If you’re a breeder that doesn’t give a dog adequate water every day, doesn’t give it food free from toxins, and doesn’t take the dog out of the cage to clean the cage,” said Rep. James Casorio Jr., D-Westmoreland, the bill’s prime sponsor. “We’re coming after you today.”

Meanwhile, inmates in Philadelphia have roughly the same conditions as puppy mills and this protest was covered and the marijuana march much closer to home wasn’t and blah blah blah. Aww, doggies!

Dog Lovers Push For Pa. Puppy Mill Laws [CBS 3]

News Story… FROM THE FUTURE!

But not rooted in the past for much longer, since a scant few months later the world will end, if Darren Daulton is correct.

Amish schools are rooted in the past [Inquirer]
Feb. 17, 2006: Daultonian Metaphysics, explained

Ridin’ Shotgun In My Dodge

Have you ever been ready to purchase a car only to think to yourself, “Hmm. I’d buy this car, but only if I can get a free shotgun with my purchase.”

Only every single time you buy a car, right? Well, a car dealership in Chester County, Country Dodge Chrysler Jeep, has made everyone’s wishes come true by offering a coupon for a free shotgun when you purchase an SUV of equal or greater value.

This has upset some people, including a local resident! Anabella Hampton is upset because the western Chester County dealership is only 15 miles from the site of the Amish school shooting in Nickel Mines. And if the Amish buy cars and get free guns with them, none of us are safe.

The dealership countered that the deal was almost over, and that it was almost out of certificates anyway, so nyaah. That didn’t please Hampton, who said:

“I mean, what’s next, a semi-automatic with the purchase of a house?”

Let’s hope so. That’d be killer. But, eh, I don’t know about this car dealership deal. As much as I’d like a shotgun, I don’t think these cars have any place for me to plug in my guitar.

Car Dealer Includes Free Gun With SUVs [NBC 10]
Volkswagen First Act Slash ad [YouTube]

Breaking: The Amish Are Circus Freaks!

The Inquirer broke this big story this morning in their Amish coverage (emphasis mine):

Inside the square cabs, the stricken faces of bearded men and women in starched white caps could be seen as they comforted squirming babies on their laps, chewed toothpicks, dabbed at tears, or stared grimly ahead at the gleaming, bobbing necks of the horses that broke into a trot as they passed the rows of news photographers and cameramen and turned the corner toward the Bart Amish Cemetery.

Bearded men and women? Women and men in starched white caps? Shit, the Amish are much cooler than we thought.

Amish mourn four girls in private [Inquirer]

Amish Country Still Overrun By Media

And it was so private we needed to run this big headline about it!

Amish mourn four girls in private [Inquirer]

Media’s Overzealous Coverage Finally Does Some Good

Don’t say that the media’s overzealous coverage of the Amish school shooting didn’t do anything good for our society. In fact, you see, it caught a rapist.

According to CBS 3, just “moments” after state police revealed that Charles Roberts said he had molested young relatives 20 years before, Al Harney walked right into the Upper Darby police department and turned himself in for a rape the cops didn’t even know happened:

“He said his urges were so strong to assault a woman, to rape, to abduct a woman that he had to get it off his conscience before he did it,” said Chief [Michael] Chitwood.

Because there was no record of Hanney’s 2002 rape, police had to track down the alleged victim, now 18 years-old.

Reports show when they did, she confirmed the attack, telling police about it for the first time.

“It is fortunate he came in because he, himself, may have prevented a more horrible tragedy,” said Chief Chitwood.

Well, bully for you, rapist. Way to, uh, not rape again.

Man Turns Himself Into Police, Confesses To Rape [CBS 3]

Hilarious Idiots To Get Hour On Radio

The above is, of course, the press release the Westboro Baptist “Church” put out to announce their protest of the Amish schoolchildren’s funerals. They blamed Gov. Rendell, of course, because… well, who knows. But they blamed Rendell, and were planning on protesting the funerals.

Yesterday, however, conservative Pennsylvania radio host Mike Gallagher bartered with them and got them to cancel the protest (.pdf).

What is he giving them in exchange? Oh, that’s right, an hour of free airtime on his show, starting today at 10 a.m. (The show airs at the oh-so-popular time of 12 a.m. - 2 a.m. on 990 AM in Philadelphia.) I’ve only seen noted idiot Fred Phelps interviewed once — Michael Smerconish had him on TV when he was filling in, of course — and he said something like, “This country has gone the way of the Brokeback Mountain!”

So you know it’s going to be hilarious. We should all thank Mike Gallagher, not just for his nice gesture (and, hey, free publicity, too) but also for his commitment to hilarity on the radio.

Yesterday: Idiot To Protest Repeated Amish Viewings Of ‘Queer Eye’

Leftovers: Blogger Battle

• Ooh, blogfight! This time it’s between Philebrity editor Joey Sweeney and ex-Philebrity contributor Jonathan Valania. This blogfight is unique in that one of the two doesn’t even have a blog yet. Impressive work. Valania sez: “He needs to realize that he didn’t invent the Internet in Philadelphia.” Point! “He thinks the world is dying without Jonathan Valania’s Philebrity II,” sez Sweeney. Counter-point! If we can somehow get Will Bunch and Atrios involved in this, then the Philly blogoverse might just explode in a haze of lefty politics, snark and idiocy. God, please make that happen. [Daily News]

• Our old pal Will Bunch on the media coverage of the Amish killings: “We saw a decent chunk of the breathless, wall-to-wall coverage of the Amish country shooting spree on CNN, and we wondered if Charles Carl Roberts had been pushed over the edge by CNN’s breathless, wall-to-wall coverage of the other recent school shootings. Somehow, that issue wasn’t raised on CNN.” Next murder in Philadelphia (give it a few minutes), I’m totally saying Bunch’s most recent blog post pushed the killer over the edge. [Attytood]

• The man accused of killing a cop in a Newtown hospital’s ER last yearwas hospitalized yesterday after — and wait for the shocker here! — allegedly hitting a prison guard. Robert Flor, the accused, had previously threatened the guard. It’s all part of his plan to sabatoge any chance of being found not guilty before the trial even begins. Er, wait. [Bucks County Courier Times]

• Play interviews ex-Real Cancun star and ex-Tufts sex columnist Amber Madison on her new sex book for women. The highlight is a discussion on why straight men don’t write abotu sex: “A guy saying ‘grab your boobs,’ that’s kind of scary. ‘Whoa, buddy, chill out.’” So that’s why our date didn’t go well. [Play]

Idiot To Protest Repeated Amish Viewings Of ‘Queer Eye’

Oh, the Amish school shooting saga continues: Guess who’s coming to the funerals of the five girls murdered on Monday?

That’s right, Mr. “God Hates Fags” himself, the “Reverend” Fred Phelps!

Phelps, as you may know, believes that things like Sept. 11 and soldiers dying are a reaction to America’s “tolerance” of homosexuality, which he believes is a sin worse than murder, rape or protesting outside of innocent peoples’ funerals, because he read it in Levitticus or something.

The wacky rev has been protesting outside soldiers’ funerals for a few years now, spreading his message of how to survive in America without really having a job or any purpose at all. (And hate.) And what better place to make his next stop than Amish Country, Pennsylvania. Because, really, if God were to take his vengeance out on someone for America’s love of Brokeback Mountain, it’s the God-fearing, pious Amish, who totally are responsible for Clay Aiken CDs being so hot right now.

Fear not! Fast Eddie himself has announced that he’s ready to enforce a new, possibly unconstitutional (but hopefully not) Pennsylvania law that requires demonstrators to be at least 500 feet from a funeral. It’s Eddie Rendell versus Freddie Phelps, winner take on, this Thursday and Friday in Bart Township, Pennsylvania!

Kansas Group May Protest at Funerals, Despite Pa. Law [KYW 1060]

Rampage In Hat Paradise

I’d like to congratulate the Daily News on their choice of tagline for the Amish school shooting yesterday. Regular papers would have stopped with “Rampage in Paradise.”

But it takes the Daily News to make it “RAMPAGE IN [HAT] PARADISE.”

Well, at least they didn’t use a photo of Weird Al.

Gunman kills 3 girls, self at Amish school [Daily News]