Allentown Pizza Shop Butchers Deer (Mistakenly)

Ahh, late fall in Pennsylvania. Cold but beautiful weather. Not-quite-bare trees. Butchering deer carcasses in pizzerias.

Yes, a pizzeria in Allentown nearly got in trouble after a city health inspector saw a deer being butchered in the shop’s kitchen. Allentown spokesman Michael Moore (ha, ha) said a customer reported seeing the doe in the pizzeria’s kitchen.

The Morning Call reports that “the pizza shop’s manager said it was a huge misunderstanding.” Tell me about it! (Rimshot.)

Manager John Okumus said he shot several deer on the second day of hunting season, then wrapped a doe and left it in the back of the pizza shop for a friend to pick up. Like you do.

Apparently, one of the cooks started butchering the deer. Just all a big misunderstanding. I really enjoy Okumus’ quote, though:

“The health department did their job, a good job,” said Okumus, who was back at work today. “There are bad people out there. But, the deer was not to sell.”

There are bad people who… what? Want to sell deer pizza? How dare they hunt and then sell the food to others!

For those wondering what, exactly, was in violation of the law here, “according to the food facility inspection report, only food from an approved source is permitted in a food establishment.” You may hunt and kill as many deer as you possibly can, but by God you better not attempt to bring them into a restaurant kitchen.

Update: On a side note, do not feed pizza to deer (via Slice comments).

City says pizzeria butchered deer; manager claims misunderstanding [The Morning Call]
Photo used under a Creative Commons license

Phila. #1 In Bike Thefts

SEPTA Watch writes up another survey released by a company that ranks Philadelphia. The catch: This time the survey is on bike theft and Philadelphia is #1! Go team!

Chicago is second. Cambridge, Mass., is 9th (naturally). In a possibly related story, an Allentown man set a new world record in the Rubik’s Cube, finishing it in 46.03 seconds.

His bike was stolen while accomplishing the feat and he had to take SEPTA home. Okay, not really, but let’s see how fast he can solve a Rubik’s Cube in a packed El car.

What An Alleged Pa. Murderer Looks Like

Do you think the lion slippers roar when you walk?

Meanwhile, in Pittsburgh, a woman put her son in a dog crate after she said he laced her drink with lamp oil and household cleaner. She also threatened to bury him alive!

Allentown man charged in two homicides [Morning Call via Brad and Wonkette]

Allentown Mayor Kids Self

This is awesome, I don’t even need to find a new image for this one; I can just use the one I found earlier today. Why the dunce cap again, you ask?

Yesterday, Allentown police showed off all the drugs they had confiscated from the 208 arrests they’ve made so far this year. Amazingly, they’ve only gotten $200k of drugs, but apparently that’s an incredible bust:

Mayor Ed Pawlowski vowed, ”We will not rest until we completely cripple the illegal drug trade in the city.”

Hey! Mayor Pawlowski invented a perpetual motion machine!

Allentown police tout success in war on drugs [Morning Call]

Helpful Thief Saves Children

Hey, did you see the Simpsons movie? I thought it was pretty good; it was, essentially, a long decent Simpsons episode. It wasn’t the Monorail episode, but what is? It was funnier than I expected and I really enjoyed it. PW’s Matt Prigge wrote the movie separated the Simpsons family from the great other characters, which I’d agree with. (Line of the article: “What, no lines for Duffman?”)

But, yeah, I enjoyed it, I laughed a lot, etc. In other Simpsons movie news — Oh, the head? Yeah, I figured I didn’t need to write about it, since you’d have the same reaction everyone does when they see it for the first time: “OH MY GOD WHAT THE HELL IS THAT!” That Bart costume should replace Richard Dawkins and Christopher Hitchens as the defenders of atheism. Somebody just needs to wear that Bart head and say: “What God would allow this to exist?” Thought I guess God does have a sick sense of humor. (”Yeah, that awesome sex thing that makes you feel great? Well, you won’t be having any of it.”)

The abomination at right was being used by Becky’s Drive-In in Lehigh Township as a promotion for the Simpsons movie. (Apparently, they wanted to scare away customers.) Also, a drive-in movie theater? Is Lehigh Township in 1961? (Quick Googling reveals lots and lots of information on Becky’s Drive-In, including the location of the theater, “on Route 248 in Berlinsville, which is neglected on most roadmaps.”)

The newspaper that reported the story, The Morning Call in Allentown, is too classy to use a “D’oh!” while reporting the story, but does get a nice “Yoink!” in and the obligatory Nelson Muntz “Ha-ha!” and The Telltale Head references. But it doesn’t give the most likely explanation for the thievery: The “thief” was a modern day Robin Hood, only instead of stealing from the rich and giving to the poor he stole a giant freaky Bart head so children wouldn’t shit their pants in terror.

Losing the costume head will cost the Drive-In (or, their insurance company) $1,000. The article notes, though, that Lehigh Township is not a crime-ridden city: “It was the first time a costume — or anything of major value — had been stolen from the 61-year-old drive-in on Route 248.”

Ay, caramba! Thief makes off with Bart’s head [The Morning Call]

Allentown Hippies Safe From Bear Attacks

Breathe easy, stoners of the exurbs! You are now free to play disc golf without the threat of black bears.

A black bear — not to be confused with a cougar, a coyote or a puma, other frequent (”frequent”) area terrorists — was seen in the Lehigh Valley area, eating out of bird feeders and scaring away salmon.

But tensions reached new heights when he was spotted on a disc golf course at Upper Macungie Park, leading a coalition of stoners, hippies and stoner hippies to protest for a bear patrol. Now they may play their impossible sport in peace.

Black Bear Caught Near Lehigh Co. Disc Golf Course [CBS 3]

‘Morning Call’ Lands Scoop Usually Reserved For ‘Star’

Laura Mallory Lane (center, obviously) is a 20-year-old sorority girl from Allentown who allegedly got finger-banged by Vince Vaughn while on vacation, breaking up the actor’s relationship with Jennifer Aniston.

Today, 6 ABC reports, she has an op-ed piece in two newspapers about her time with Vaughn and how she’s not an evil bitch or something. The papers? The San Antonio Express-News — she goes to Trinity in Texas — and The Allentown Morning Call!

Yes, the little plucky paper that could landed Lane’s letter, which… God. It’s about Roman history — looks like someone did well in Ancient Roman History (Hist 020) in college! — and why blogs and Star magazine are evil and it doesn’t even mention if Vince Vaughn was any good in bed or not. Here, read some of it:

What happened to me these past weeks was unfortunate, yes, but I am certainly not alone. Every day in the media, people are criticized, demeaned, and laughed at without rationale. We take pleasure in hating celebrities and public figures for no reason other than that it makes for good entertainment and money-making outlets. There are more Web sites and magazine articles dedicated to hating and gossiping about Lindsay Lohan and Paris Hilton than to informing young people about the crisis in Sudan, or the conflicts in Lebanon. We follow Britney’s first nights out without Kevin more closely than we follow America’s first female Speaker of the House.

Like oh my God, what an epiphany. God dammit. Youse are going to have to read the rest of this yourself.

Roman history puts celebrity circus into perspective [Allentown Morning Call]
Allentown Native Speaks Out About Night With Vaughn [6 ABC]

Allentown Technophobe Does His Duty As A Citizen In The Only Way He Knows How

A man in Allentown decided fuck this newfangled electronic voting shit and decided to go nuts on an electronic voting machine:

A man entered an Allentown polling site, signed in and proceeded to smash one of the electronic voting machines with a metal cat paperweight, poll volunteers said.

Michael Young, 43, of 375 Auburn St., will be charged with felony criminal mischief and tampering with voting machines, according to Ronald Manescu, chief of investigations for Allentown police.

Police gave no motive, but a source said Young, a registered Independent, believed Republicans had conspired to win the election by using electronic ballots. This is the first time electronic machines are being widely used in a Pennsylvania general election.

“He smashed it with the cat’s ears,” said volunteer Jim Govostis, who watched the incident unfold at Raker Center, a nursing home owned by Good Shepherd, a little before 1 p.m. [...]

Volunteer Shirley Rossetti said Young never spoke as he smashed the screen. “He did a job on it, didn’t he?” she said. “It’s frightening, because in this day and age, you just never know.”

You never know, indeed. American hero, that Michael Young. And his cat.

Voter smashes touch-screen machine in Allentown [Allentown Morning Call]

Live Long And Prosper, AAA Affiliate

I don’t think I’ve ever seen a Star Trek movie. I never really watched any of the shows. The extent of my Star Trek knowledge is that the dude from Reading Rainbow was on it.

I do know this, however. Of the choices for the team name for the new Allentown AAA Phillies affiliate, the team name of Vulcans is the best. The Allentown Vulcans it should be and Spock should be the mascot. The Allentown Morning Call-sponsored voting is here. There are a couple other good names — Iron Pigs, Woodchucks — but the other ones are kind of meh. Here’s the full list:

Crushers: A reference to the rock solid cement producers. One of the Lehigh Valley’s oldest and largest industries.

Gobblers: Hey turkey! It’s a reference to the Lehigh Valley’s strong agriculture history and the area’s turkey farms.
Iron Pigs: A spin off from pig iron - the raw iron which is a critical material in steel production. Another LV staple.
Keystones: To honor our home state of Pennsylvania. Second base is also known as the keystone sack.
Phantastics: Spelled with a “PH” of course. Has a super hero ring to it and sounds like another famous name, the Phanatic.
Phillies: The nickname of our parent club in Philadelphia. Think about it. Lots of kids are named for their folks.
Vulcans: Sorry Mr. Spock, this one is for the Roman god of fire who forged iron. Another one for the steel industry.
Woodchucks: A woodchuck is a groundhog, which is Pennsylvania’s most beloved rodent. Apologies to Bill Murray.

Oh, whatever. “Roman god of fire.” Please. It’s named after Mr. Spock, and the fans can all do the “V” sign with their hands. C’mon. Vote early, vote often, but most importantly — vote for Vulcans.

Name The Team [Lehigh Valley AAA Baseball]