Hitler’s Mom Has Got It Going On

Yes! Best headline ever! Not mine — my reference is pretty effing old — but the one at right, from a story on NBC 10: Hitler’s Mom Speaks Out, Defies Court Order.

Yeah, you guys know what this is about: Little Adolf Hitler Campbell and his 2 siblings were taken away by the authorities (possibly Tom Cruise) and placed in foster care.

Now, Hitler’s mother, Deborah Campbell, has spoken to NBC 10 in violation of a judge’s gag order. Not sure how much we can trust a woman who named her son “Adolf Hitler” — and her other kids JoyceLynn Aryan Nation Campbell and Honszlynn Hinler [sic] Jeannie Campbell — but she says she and her husband were exemplary parents and that their children’s names are to blame for the state taking away her kids.

But the real money quote comes from little Adolf Hitler’s aunt, Jeanne Coverdale:

“What about tomorrow night when the President of the United States stands up and say, is forced to say, my name is Barack Hussein Obama. How’s that going to hit the world? I’m saying the one with the middle name he has, was a terrorist.”

I can’t wait ’til another historic day in our nation’s history, when a little boy named Adolf Hitler can overcome adversity and become president of the United States.

Adolf Hitler Captured By Authorities

Get your keyboards ready to sign some Internet petitions! The parents of everyone’s favorite New Jersey kid — one Adolf Hitler Campbell — had their three little tykes taken away by New Jersey Youth and Family Services.

Taken away were the little dictator, who’s three, JoyceLynn Aryan Nation Campbell, who’s 1, and Honszlynn Hinler Jeannie Campbell, who will turn 1 in April. Yes, if you’re wondering, little Honszlynn Hinler is named after Himmler, the head of the SS. Clearly, the parents did a lot of research before writing down their kid’s name.

[Holland Township, N.J. Police Chief David] Van Gilson said he didn’t know why the children were taken or who had custody. He said his department received no reports of abuse or negligence. [...] “Whatever children were at the home were taken,” the chief said.

Though naming your kid Adolf Hitler might be construed as child abuse, there’s no word on what, exactly, these parents did to warrant removing the child. They did whore for attention at a ShopRite in New Jersey, but who among us hasn’t attempted to put a murderous dictator’s name on a cake before? I remember my first “Happy Birthday Pol Pot!” cake.

The Express-Times has been your number one source for Adolf Hitler Campbell news; the paper broke the scandal (it’s called “Watergate II,” I believe). This was my favorite part of today’s story:

Heath Campbell, who’s previously said he picked the names to honor German ancestry and because they are unique, has reported receiving threats after the story was published.

Well, they certainly are unique. But, I mean, he coulda just gone the easy route and spelled a normal name incorrectly. That way the kid could even get a job on TV (just ask Jennaphr Frederick). I don’t think Adolf Hitler will be getting to report live from a kindergarden anytime soon, you know.

New Jersey Division of Youth and Family Services removes Adolf Hitler Campbell, sisters from parents’ home [Express-Times]

Hitler Birthday Cakes Must Be Self-Prepared

That little angel at right is a little boy from Warren County, N.J. Sadly, this little boy can’t get a birthday cake personalized with his name on it.

Why? Oh, yes, because his name is Adolf Hitler. The ShopRite in Greenwich Township isn’t going to put “Happy Birthday Adolf Hitler” on a cake.

The family did not want to write their own inscription on the cake — which they could have easily done — because that wouldn’t be exploiting their child to get attention to their laughably horrible cause. “ShopRite can’t even make a cake for a 3-year-old,” said Deborah Campbell, the 25-year-old mom of little ol’ Adolf.

What’s really great are the names of all the children:

JoyceLynn Aryan Nation Campbell, Honszlynn Hinler Jeannie Campbell and Adolf Hitler Campbell.

It’s amazing that the child with the most normal name out of these three is the one named Adolf Hitler. Of course, I really do think “Aryan Nation” is a better name than “JoyceLynn.” But, really, who expected these parents to have taste?