Rick Santorum Would Very Much Like It If You Blew Up And Couldn’t Vote Democrat

Rick Santorum apparently has some sort of info that we don’t, as he said yesterday on Hugh Hewitt’s radio show that there’s going to be a terrorist attack before the elections so people will vote Republican. How a terrorist attack during a Republican presidential administration would make people vote Republican is beyond me, but Ol’ Ricky says the attack is totally going to keep the Republicans in power.

“Between now and November, a lot of things are going to happen, and I believe that by this time next year, the American public’s going to have a very different view of this war, and it will be because, I think, of some unfortunate events, that like we’re seeing unfold in the UK. But I think the American public’s going to have a very different view.”

Whee! I can’t wait for the Guiliani/Romney ticket, with Rick Santorum as Secretary of State, ruling over America with their eight Guantanamo Bays and daily terror attacks and our 51st state of Mesoafghaniranistan.

More staged terrorism planned to prevent Ron Paul from winning [Some Ron Paul Blog]
Rick Santorum Will Personally Terrorize America [Wonkette]

Clinton 100% Lock To Not Win Presidency Now

Three presidential candidates — John Edwards, Hillary Clinton and Dennis Kucinich — will be in Philadelphia today, speaking at an ACORN event at the Bright Hope Baptist Church in North Philly.

At the event, the politicians will pander to whatever ACORN wants them to say, and everyone will leave all warm and fuzzy, knowing full well Philadelphia will vote 80+ percent for the Democratic nominee anyway. While Clinton is in Philadelphia today, she will also receive the endorsement of Mayor John Street, which is about the equivalent of getting the endorsement of the Recorder Lady. Street’s endorsement is expected to derail her campaign and plummet her support levels to lower than notorious rock-thrower Mike Gravel.

Dennis Kucinich, who was not mayor of Cleveland when the river caught on fire, and John Street, who was mayor of Philadelphia when he and Michael Nutter turned LOVE Park into a world-famous tourist destination into a giant concrete slab, will have a debate tonight over which one is the worst big city mayor in American history. Street will win the debate when it’s discovered that Cleveland isn’t really a big city.

Update: Street endorsed her! Photographic evidence from a loyal reader:

Clinton, Edwards, Kucinich visiting Phila. today [Inquirer]

Meet America’s Next President

Just like the Philadelphia mayor’s race had Queena Bass and Jesus White, the U.S. presidential election next year will also have its share of wacky candidates.

Actually, it’ll have a lot more, and we already have a somewhat local wacky candidate! Meet Jonathon “The Impaler” Sharkey, the presidential candidate from Point Pleasant, N.J.

Sharkey also ran for Minnesota governor in 2006, but his campaign was derailed when he was arrested on felony charges from Indiana. (One of the charges had apparently been dismissed before but nobody noticed.) He’s even already filed to run for president. Reporter Tristan Schweiger:

His platform also includes harsher punishment for criminals specifically, impaling terrorists, pedophiles and rapists. And he would certainly be the first person of his particular religious beliefs a Sanguinary Satantic vampyre and Hecate witch to hold the highest office in the land.

“You want the criminals to live in fear, then put somebody in who’s going to scare them. Not someone who they’re going to mock and laugh and say, ‘Don’t forget your Geritol!”‘ said Sharkey, 43, of Point Pleasant, who is also a professional wrestler.

One-hundred and seventy people have already applied to run for president in 2008, according to the FEC. Our Point Pleasant impaler had this to say about religious freedom: “As president, that’s an impaleable offense. You’re getting impaled if you discriminate against someone’s religion.”

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Barack Obama Attempting New Campaign Tactic

Barack Obama is mixing the old and the new in this area today. One, he’s frolicking around New Jersey trying to get the AFL/CIO to support him and chillin’ with Newark’s mayor.

Two, he’s renaming a local Jewish school after himself:

Akiba Hebrew Academy has received a $5 million gift from the Barrack Foundation. That will result in a change in name from Akiba to the Barrack Hebrew Academy.

Oh, watch out, St. Hillary’s.

Obama To Visit New Jersey [CBS 3]
Mainline Hebrew School Will Change Its Name [KYW 1060]

Two Losers Join Forces

Rudy Guiliani announced today he has signed up another backer to his doomed presidential bid: Former Eagles owner Norman Braman.

The successful used car dealer and terrible Eagles owner — the players were so poor they had to take the Broad Street Subway to games — has joined team Rudy to recruit old people in Florida to vote for the former NYC Mayor.

From the press release:

“I have known Rudy Giuliani for 27 years and have admired his public service record throughout those years. His extraordinary leadership in the aftermath of September 11th is only one example of many that qualify him to be our next president,” Braman said.

I wonder if there’s a Rudy Giuliani press release that doesn’t mention 9/11. Nah.

Full release after the jump.

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