Tom Ridge: I Shoulda Been VP!

At this point, John McCain would need a super secret brainwashin’ ray to have a shot at winning the presidency next week. Oh, wait, or he could have just picked Tom Ridge as his vice president!

“I think the dynamics would be different in Pennsylvania,” Ridge said when asked if he should have been chosen to run as vice president over Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin. “I think we’d be foolish not to admit it publicly.”

Ha, yes, the guy with the color-coded terrorism awareness charts would totally help John McCain more than Sarah Palin; perhaps he’d have more than a 1% chance of winning Pennsylvania then!

Tom Ridge says Race Would be Different if he were VP [Clout]

A Torturing Pro-McCain Column

John McCain is a person who has given endlessly and unselfishly to his country, a person of unquestionable good character who understands the Middle East situation as only a military man who has suffered brutal torture can.

He understands the Middle East… as only a man who has been tortured brutally can!!

Wait, what?

This comes from an op-ed in the New Jersey Jewish News, always a daily read for me, of couse! And it contained a lot of awesome arguments so I’m going to make fun of it a bit more. As a bonus, a whole lot of people are making a lot of these awesome arguments, too! Let’s go over a few more awesome ones.

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Trentonian Columnist: City Needs Plan For Obama Assassination

Trenton is a city in New Jersey, and it has two newspapers, one of which is The Trentonian. (You follow me here?) And The Trentonian has a columnist named L.A. Parker.

And, today, the columnist with a name disturbingly close to the company that brought us L.A. Lights shoes wrote a column titled Activist: City needs plan for Obama assassination. Oh, yes, what will happen to Trenton if its most famous native son, Barack Obama, is assassinated? They better have a contingency plan!

Anyway, here’s the best paragraph:

Whether you believe James Earl Ray acted alone or Lee Harvey Oswald fired without conspiracy or that John Wilkes Booth delivered a monological historical intervention, assassination remains a showstopper of U.S. human energy.

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Scranton Spells Out Its Palin Love

Sarah Palin was recently in Scranton. After being introduced by a guy saying “Sweet Home Pennsylvania” (she’s from Scranton, too, apparently) and “Gonna Fly Now,” Palin entered to see a bunch of random letters in a row (above).

Good job, Scranton. Way to make her proud of ya.

Screencapture from Scranton Times-Tribune video

It Will Take You 3 Hours To Vote

KYW 1060 reports too many people have registered to vote, and so there will be a ridiculously long line at your polling place if you’re a college kid or something:

The Committee of 70 says 16 divisions in the city are way beyond the state limit for number of registered voters.

The group’s policy director, Sarah Stevenson, says those divisions are in center city, near Penn and Drexel in West Philly, and in the northeast: “The threshold in the state election code is 1200 voters per division. Some divisions here are just over 1,200, but some have three times as many voters.

The city says it can’t split the divisions this late in the game, so for some reason people in the Northeast will not be able to vote for ol’ McCain only if they stand in line for six hours. Ha ha, since when do Republicans have to wait in line to vote?

Phila. Expects Overcrowded Polling Places on Election Day [KYW 1060]
Photo used under a Creative Commons license

Anti-McCain Letters Sent To Northeast Philly Residents

Hey, it looks like somebody in the Great Northeast is having a little fun with McCain supporters. Or maybe it’s a McCain supporter sneak attack! Ohh, the possibilities are endless. But here’s the story:

Some Northeast residents who have signs on their lawns expressing support for John McCain have received letters in the mail accusing them of being racists.

McCain, a white Republican senator from Arizona, faces Democrat Barack Obama, a biracial senator from Illinois.

The printed letter reads, in part, “You white racist that sign is offensive. You make sure you vote for Mr. Barack Obama. Get use to a black house in Washington.”

The letter tells the residents to move if they think blacks make the city look bad and that anyone supporting McCain is “a loser, a racist and a sinner.”

“Mr. Barack Obama is the man. It is our time our city our country. So just move racist. Anyway your vote does not count. Obama got it!”

Well, at least the letter got the part about your vote not counting correct.

Local mom has a brush with Sarah Palin [Northeast Times]
Photo by NCinDC used under a Creative Commons license

VP Debate To Draw Up To 5 People Away From Watching Phillies Game

Well, well! It looks like Sarah Palin is a fake Phillies fan indeed! Instead of watching Game 2 like everybody else, Palin will apparently be debating Joe Biden tonight on the teevee.

KYW 1060 details the brand new dilemma: Two things on television at the same time that people want to watch! Who ever knew there could be two interesting things on TV at once? I had no idea the medium had gotten that good.

Of course, the radio station calls in an expert to let us know what will actually be happening:

Miller also points out that baseball is a game with a lot of pauses and down time, and he suspects a lot of remotes will get a workout if there’s a conflict.

Ahh, yes, the so-called “remote control.” A fine new invention, but I doubt it will catch on.

VP Debate, Phillies Game Compete for TV Viewers [KYW 1060]

Sarah Palin. To Watch Debate. At Irish Pub.

Art from Foobooz passes along this information, another in a recent string of events in Philadelphia that are just so perfect it’s like somebody’s planting news stories for local bloggers to make jokes about.

So, yes, the headline is correct: Sarah Palin is tentatively watching the debate at Irish Pub tomorrow night. If you need to ask which one, just think: Which one could attract a crowd that would vote for John McCain, and which one is in the Gayborhood?

Fox 29 reports Palin is currently in “an unspecified location in our area.” Pat Burrell will, unfortunately, be unable to attend the Irish Pub soiree, as the Phils have a game. Oh, Burrell/Irish Pub jokes never get old.

This Week’s Sign Of The Apocalypse [Foobooz]

Oh, Hey, Sorry…

… I lost track of time while getting together a big long post about the Alycia Lane lawsuit and making wacky photoshops that will probably one day end up on the blog. But apparently, the presidential election has been canceled by John McCain.

No, seriously, look at Philly.com’s front page right now:

See? We’re just going to end up with four more years of Bush, I’d bet. Let the conspiracy theories start now.

I love the poll; the evidence that somebody at Philly.com wants McCain in the white house is mounting with each new ridiculous poll. Of course it’s a political action, even if McCain could fix the economy by flying over Washington and dropping $100 bills to unemployed i-bankers it would be a political action. And if John McCain offered to give me a certain amount of money I would totally vote for him. (My vote costs $2 mil, Johnny, but I’m willing to negotiate.)

But, uhm, he’s running for president! Everything he says or does is a political ploy hoping to get some voter to pick McCain. And, uhm, he isn’t going home to be with his sick puppy, though I hope that’s the next stunt pulled by either him or Obama. Whatever action the government takes will most certainly be just as horrible with McCain as without him. I guess he wants the debate delayed, most importantly, because lots of successful government action gets done on Friday nights. I can only wait for McCain’s next attack ad, though: “When the economy was in crisis, Barack Obama wanted to debate the issues rather than return to Washington.”

I’m glad U.S. Senators are absolutely forbidden from doing work on the road, or talking on the phone, or using the Internet. Geeze, I can blog from, say, 150 different places in Center City alone, but one has to return to Washington. I know that Senators still communicate via telegram, but unless McCain is digging up Lincoln’s gold himself, it seems kind of ridiculous.

Obama Will Be Moving Money

Although we were told it was important at the time, looking back it seems that Barack Obama’s loss to Hillary Clinton in the Pennsylvania primary didn’t mean much. Maybe that’s why Obama didn’t campaign much here and didn’t shower the town in street money.

Rest assured the general election is a bit more important, and so the Obama campaign will be handing out billions of dollars come November. Maybe not billions, but there will be street money. Bob Brady says so.

“In the fall I think there is going to be an expectation of City Committee that just like in the Kerry campaign and just like in the Gore campaign there will be money moving into City Committee for election-day activity,” said political consultant Ken Smuckler.

Ain’t democracy grand?

Obama to pony up street money in November [Daily News]