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New Budweiser Team Specific Packaging To Root, Root, Root For The Home Team As Well As Cure Cancer

033106bud.jpg Press releases are usually wrought with overwritten comments about, say, a new fabric softener, but I think we have a new winner.

Today, I got a press release from Budweiser saying that “Budweiser and Bud Light hit homerun with custom local packaging for MLB teams.” (Frankly, I think my headline is better.) And here’s how the release begins:

Budweiser and Bud Light, the “official beer sponsors” of Major League Baseball and 26 MLB teams, will introduce team-specific packaging in team markets nationwide, allowing baseball fans to celebrate the 2006 season while showing support for their favorite team.

Now, I usually choose my beer based on taste, and not whether it’s a sponsor of my favorite group of nine strangers I root for since they play in my city. If I want to cheer on the Phillies, I’ll buy a Phils’ hat, or, you know, actually root for them. I don’t think a box with a Phillies logo on it is going to change my opinion that Bud Light tastes like dishwater. (Not that I don’t drink it.)

That’s pretty normal PR speak there. But then it gets better:

“Major League Baseball has been an important element in our overall marketing mix for more than 25 years, and we continually work to enhance our relationship with the teams, fans and networks throughout each season,” said Tony Ponturo, vice president, Global Media and Sports Marketing, Anheuser-Busch Inc. “We have stepped up our activities around baseball in 2006 to create excitement for our teams and their fans, and to strengthen the bond between America’s favorite pastime and America’s favorite beers.” [...]

“Our investment in team-specific packaging demonstrates our commitment to the dedicated fans and teams of Major League Baseball,” Ponturo said. “Baseball fans are passionate about their team. Our custom packaging with individual team logos helps us tap into the excitement of the upcoming season and reinforce to the fans our support of their team.”

You’ve heard of a straw man argument? Well, this is a straw man press release. Anheuser-Busch doesn’t care if the Phillies go 0-162 as long as it sells beer to Phillies fans. And there are no such people who do this, anywhere, ever: “Hey, I’m headin’ to the game to tailgate and need to pick up some beer. Let’s see, Coors, Miller, Budweiser — hey, that Budweiser is supporting my Phillies! I’m going to buy me some delicious Bud and lead the Phillies to victory!”

Full release after the jump.

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Quickies: Don’t believe the hype

• After all that love and affection and African Debt Relief — one of my favorite bands, by the way — you knew that the organizers would just go out and sue Trimspa, didn’t you? Apparently Anna Nicole was drunk backstage — a shocker! — and Trimspa didn’t pay some sponsorship fee. Because nothing says “sponsor or benefit concert for Africa” than “diet pill that doesn’t work.” [Inky]

• Back in my day we didn’t have iPods and podcasts and computers to do our work for us! I had a class where we were forbidden to type our papers; we had to write them out. One class is using technology to make music for karaoke, though, so that sounds about the level of intellectual stimulation required for grade school. [Inky]

• These are celebrities in Philadelphia: Pat Gillick and Abraham Nuñez eating in Center City, as reported by Dan Gross. Even I barely know who these guys are. [DN, last item]

• Middle-classers are pissed that the public housing is nicer than theirs! Eh, I don’t even know what to say to that. [Inky]

Writing about this allows me to run a photo of a puppy!

120505puppy.jpg Editor’s Note: See? I told you Philadelphia Will Do is your one-stop shop for all things sex and Penn.

Today, Faye Flam asks the question: “Why don’t humans just rip off all their clothes and have wild raunchy sex at random times during the day?” Which is a good question. Though, the headline seems a little awkward: “Why don’t humans have sex in privacy?” Wouldn’t “private” sound better?

But I digress. (And I’m being a real headline nerd here.) Back to public sex anytime, anywhere: I think it’s a good idea. I mean, some of us — read: me — think that when we make an ATM withdrawal, we should get sex. (This would give a new meaning to the term “direct deposit.”) It’s not likely to change, though.

We human beings do continue to have sex in private, and usually only with partners we like, or at least are attracted to, and many times only after we’ve consumed a bunch of alcohol. But Flam has some comparisons for us to help us understand the question a little more:

In his book Why Is Sex Fun?, UCLA professor and noted author Jared Diamond explains why you and your dog will never understand each other’s sex lives. No self-respecting dog would need to hide while mating, he says. Dogs also refrain from sex unless the female is in her fertile phase.

Hmm. Dogs and humans have different attitudes toward sex. Thanks, Faye. I also heard once that humans don’t like to eat their own poop.

Why do humans prefer to have sex in privacy? [Inky]
Photo by Terry Bain

Stick here for all your continuing “Assgate” coverage!

One thing I never thought about during the whole sex against a high rise window at Penn scandal (which a friend of mine dubbed “Assgate”) is the possibility that the two students engaging in said sex act could have broken the glass, crashing hundreds of feet to their deaths. (You know, sort of how in some species like the female kills the male after sex?)

Anywho, the Daily Pennsylvanian has this beat all covered:

120505stresssex.gif

However, the company that makes the windows cautioned against such acts:

Even though the couple’s actions were safe, [Brian] Dawley said that he and his company “don’t recommend it.”

It’s good to know: go forth, Penn kids, and bang your girlfriend against that glass with all the vigor you can!

High rise windows able to withstand stress, sex [DP]

Snowed in

120505snowfoot.jpg Whoo! Snow! Let’s all storm the ACME and buy all the bread and milk we can! Let’s stock up on water and rock salt and just go absolutely crazy! Aaaaaiiiiiieeeee!

Oh, sorry, got a little carried away there. I’ve been watching news reports all morning and it’s getting into my brain a little. If you’ve boycotted all news reports trying to avoid craziness about the snow — which makes you smarter than me — here’s the deal: we’re getting snow, starting in the afternoon. It’s supposed to be anywhere from 2 to 8 inches, depending on what forecast you’re using. Philadelphia Weather recaps everything nicely here. Surprisingly, NBC 10 doesn’t have the highest prediction, though they have been showing people stocking up on food (no, really) all morning.

So, you know, prepare for snow. Just don’t try to go stock up on anything: I’ve already bought out all the supermarkets in the area. You can come to me for milk and bread.

Event #3 Storm Forecast Calls [Philadelphia Weather]

Ongoing: “Sixth Borough” neck-and-neck with Terrell Owens in vitriol race

Some people just can’t let things go. The infamous “Sixth Borough” article was — what? — over the summer? Sounds about right. (A quick internet search reveals “August 14” to be the date. Counting off months on my fingers reveals that to be almost four months ago.)

And yet, nobody can really let it go, which really makes Philly look stupider than anyone calling it “the sixth borough” ever could. Like, aren’t we second-rate and proving the inferiority complex if people keep getting angry about it?

Case in point: Dan DeLuca’s review of the Plain Parade Philly-covers-Philly comp Songs from the Sixth Borough. DeLuca fails to notice any note of humor or irony in the title — which I, obviously, think is pretty funny and pokes fun at the idea of the “sixth borough” without the anger and insecurity of most critics — and instead wags his finger:

Which brings me to why Songs From the Sixth Borough is at once so heartening - and irksome. It’s an impressive compilation of promising bands that shows off Philadelphia as a stronghold of winsome indie-pop at a time when the scene is producing acts that could make it here, or anywhere. And yet it insists on defining itself in relation to New York.

But, oh, we’re not done just yet! Witness Stu Bykofsky’s column in today’s Daily News, where — in writing about the City Hall-gingerbread house mashuphe, too, feels the need to vent:

“It’s different than it was yesterday,” noted her friend, Mike Pirolo, a New Yorker who added, “I’ve never seen anything like this.” (Someone please show this to the clueless wart who wrote in The New York Times that some Philadelphians consider us to be the “sixth borough” of Noo Yawk.)

Hmm. I think there’s only one response to all this anger. That’s right: a puppy. Aww!

Philadelphia Story: The Next Borough [NYT, but you need TimesSelect]
Songs from the Sixth Borough [Plain Parade]
A rich indie rock scene in Philadelphia [Inky via promohthree]
Stu Bykofsky | Gorgeous? Garish? City Hall lights the way [DN]
Nov. 29: Hansel, Gretel and Billy Penn

Telling you the news you already know

120505jerseybroke.gif

Oh, I think we’ve found the answer to that pressing “What should New Jersey’s motto be” question.

N.J. is ‘pretty much broke’ [Trenton Times]

Were they skateboarding on them?

From over the weekend, in the Bucks County Courier Times public safety log:

Gordon’s Furniture, 80 block E. Street Rd., Feasterville, fluorescent light tube covers used by juveniles to slide down parking lot hill, no value given.

Alright, I’m stumped. Does anyone have any idea what in the world this means?

Public safety log 12.3.05 [BCCT]

Top 5 Will Do

It’s been a good week. You’ve probably noticed: we’ve — read: the person who does the actual technical work for the site — upped the font size so youse can read a little easier. If making the site easier to read is some sort of big problem for you, then please let me know.

And now, the five things we all learned this week:

  1. The price of lords a-leaping is erroneously reported by the scumbag liberal media. Is there anything they won’t do for ratings?
  2. Some dude went out and spread his mom’s ashes on the field at the Eagles game Sunday, which inspired the team so much they decided to go out and actually win the game. Oh snap!
  3. In a small story not really mentioned much by anyone anywhere, a Penn student was charged by the University for snapping a photo of a couple having sex. And by the time charges were dropped, everyone had already forgotten about it and it really wasn’t a well-known story at all.
  4. A whopping 57 percent of Philadelphians want a face transplant. What an ugly city.
  5. And, finally, a woman in the Northeast watches a program that I want to know about.

Have a good weekend. Remember to support puppies and tax reform — as well as dorky dudes in basketball jerseys — over the weekend.

Things move at the speed of sound in Delaware!

On Nov. 19 in Delaware, a woman was mistaken for dead at a car crash. Turns out, whoops, she wasn’t dead! And she laid there for more than an hour until somebody realized she was alive. She was then rushed to the hospital.

And now, today, the state medical board has asked than an investigation be conducted into how a woman could possibly be mistaken for dead and left at the scene for an hour until being taken to the hospital.

Hmm. Yeah. Maybe because Delaware paramedics move at the same speed as the state medical board did to ask for an investigation? I don’t know. I’m not a doctor.

Officials Call For Investigation Into Woman Mistakenly Pronounced Dead [NBC 10]
Nov. 22: It could have been worse