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The Bulletin’s Rooting Interests

With the bankruptcy of the parent company of the Inquirer and Daily News, perhaps we can turn to The Bulletin for unbiased news of the events o’ the day.

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As you might have guessed, that full quote from the bankruptcy filing would be, “Without access to cash collateral, the debtors will not be able to maintain their business operations and continue their restructuring efforts, and would likely be forced to cease to operate.” (Tierneycorp is asking a court to allow the company access to the cash collateral Citizens Bank has, saying without it they’d have to close. Aren’t bankruptcy filings exciting, kids?!)

A minor point, but, yes: The headline infers the papers are likely to close, the actual quote does no such thing. Today’s article runs with that the-papers-are-closing again, saying “Two Weeks Of Operations Assured As Negotiations Continue.” There’s certainly a chance the papers will simply close, but I’d bet strong money against it.

Be sure to also check out two opinion columns today, one titled “We’re Losing Our Country, But What Can We Do? and another Herb Denenberg piece which calls the majority party right now the “Democratic Party of retreat and defeat, anti-military and anti-family values.”

Plagiarized Poetry

022409poe.jpg My favorite Bulletin columnist and yours, Herb Denenberg, wrote a perfectly good column yesterday about drug labeling. I liked it! I agreed with it! I saved it to my del.icio.us!

I really, though, enjoyed the end of the column the most. Ol’ Herb gets poetic!

Don’t expect these or other drug labeling problems to be corrected anytime soon…. And all this leads me to a little poem I wrote, with the first two lines borrowed from Gilbert and Sullivan:

Things are seldom what they seem;

Skim milk masquerades as cream.

If product labels had a nose,

They’d all be Pinocchio’s.

Nothing against Denenberg here, but isn’t it a little presumptuous for someone to claim he “wrote” a poem when he only composed half of it?

Drug Product Labels Sell Instead Of Inform [The Bulletin]

Herb Denenberg, Media Expert

021109herb.jpg Things were good for Bulletin columnist Herb Denenberg back in 2005. Bush was president, the war was still semi-popular (I guess) and the economy only mildly stunk. As such, the former consumer reporter spent most of his columns writing about squirrels in attics and the many different kinds of beetles.

Things are different in 2009. Some dude named Obama is president, the Phillies are reigning World Champions and the economy really, really stinks. As such, Herb Denenberg has used his recent columns to relentlessly bash Barack Obama, Democrats and the like. He spends about half of his sentences whining about how awful the good ol’ United States of America is, and the other half telling certain people (Democrats, Obama, the news media, Hollywood, college professors, etc.) to leave America because they hate it. I believe this is the time we can actually use the word “ironic” without fear of using it wrong. So, yes: Ironic!

The media has received the brunt of his ire recently, including a recent column on the Philadelphia magazine piece about the Inquirer. While he does come up with, um, a great new slogan for the Inky (”In Philadelphia, nearly everyone hates the Inquirer”) he also takes shots at Phillymag as well.

Any summary of this part of the column would not do it justice, so let’s just blockquote it out:

He misses something else, which suggests even after conducting 100 interviews, he is not in touch with the Philadelphia scene. He notes that Brian Tierney is the co-owner, publisher and CEO of this “city’s newspapers.” I’ve got news for Mr. Volk and Philadelphia Magazine. The Philadelphia Inquirer and Philadelphia Daily News are not this “city’s newspapers” as if they were the only ones. For over four years, there happens to be another daily, The Bulletin, and there happens to be many strong weeklies. And there’s the Metro, another daily, certainly worthy of note. Mr. Volk notes that the Inquirer is surrounded by a strong ring of suburban papers, and hence have no room to expand. But he should note that it faces competition from two other dailies, which are also taking a significant number of readers away from the Inquirer. As the Inquirer contracts, the Bulletin expands. As they say, that’s just one more nail in the Inquirer coffin.

Apparently the exhaustive research of the Philadelphia Magazine failed to uncover the existence of the Bulletin. The best daily in America, the Wall Street Journal, is aware of the Bulletin, obviously reads it, and recently quoted it in one of its editorials. [...] Later, the editorial, in discussing all the new competition eating away at the Inquirer, noted, “Smaller papers like the Bulletin are also working hard to reach a larger audience.”

If the best paper in the land can find and quote the Bulletin, something is radically wrong when Philadelphia Magazine, in an article on the very subject of the Philadelphia newspaper scene, seems to be clueless on what’s going on in its own market.

I think that could be a new slogan for the Bulletin: “Read by the Wall Street Journal!”

What’s Wrong With Newspapers And The Pundits Who Write About Them [The Bulletin]

FILL IN HEADLINE

The opening sentence of Frank Diamond’s column in today’s Bulletin:

“First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes FILL IN EIGHT NAMES in baby carriages.”

This is why you never put placeholder words when laying out a page. Sometimes, it will make its way into the paper.

Update, 3:30 p.m.: Frank Diamond himself (!) emails in and says the opening was an intentional joke. I’ll take him at his word. Apologies if anyone shorted their Bulletin stock after reading this post.

Dr. Love Delivers Octuplets Advice [The Bulletin]

Headline Of The Day

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Gee, you think?

Team’s 100-0 Blowout Shows Bad Sportsmanship [The Bulletin]

Breaking Martin Luther News

I missed this yesterday, but here’s the top of yesterday’s Bulletin:

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Holy Protestantism, Batman!

Sad ‘Bulletin’

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Check this out: The Bulletin’s front page today is all about Barack Obama’s secret Kenyan birth (or whatever), and how the Supreme Court isn’t going to listen to the truth. More importantly, there’s now a convenient full coverage archive that features hilarious quotes about Barack Obama like, “This is the first time in the history of our government that an unqualified person has run for the office of president.” You can almost hear the rimshot.

Predictable ‘Bulletin’ Headline Predictably Mocked

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Yes, this is so obvious I wasn’t even going to post it. But, front and center, front of the website and presumably the paper, it deserves a post. Also, you will all be happy to know that The Bulletin is still harping on Obama’s birth certificate, in the hope that he is ineligible to be president. I’m pretty sure they’d give that guy Obama ran against, the one born in Panama, the same treatment.

Here’s a quote, in case you need documentation as to its seriousness:

The lawsuits that have been filed over this issue need to be answered. This issue will not be going away. The longer a resolution is delayed, the worse the consequences to our nation. The consequences would already be cataclysmic. National security, the economy, and our reputation in the world would all be drastically impacted in a very negative way.

Indeed.

This Is My Favorite ‘Bulletin’ Headline Today

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No, wait! It’s totally this one:

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Gay Awareness Promoted In Local Schools [The Bulletin]
Democrat Leader Claims Capitol Tourists Are Smelly [The Bulletin]