Lozenge Causes SEPTA Accident

Trust me, that Photoshop made a lot more sense when I originally conceived it.

Erhm, I mean: Okay, this story!

A SEPTA driver choked on a throat lozenge Saturday afternoon and lost control of his bus, which crashed into five cars, knocked down a utility pole, and rammed into a house in the 4000 block of Ford Road in the Wynnefield section of Philadelphia, transit officials said yesterday.

How long until SEPTA announces it has banned Ricola for its drivers? Anyway, this is the best excuse for a bus accident I’ve ever heard — true or not, and I see no reason to think it’s a lie — and I hope to see future hilarious accident explanations from SEPTA in the future.

SEPTA driver chokes on lozenge; bus crashes [Inquirer]

SEPTA’s Stimulus Wishes

The Philadelphia Business Journal recently detailed the project SEPTA hopes to tackle with the federal stimulus “New Deal II” package that will either save the economy or end the United States as we know it. Maybe both!

Here’s what SEPTA’s looking to do with some of the $225-$250 million it could be receiving from the feds:

• Renovations of Girard and Spring Garden Broad Street El stops ($28 mil)
• Renovation of Croydon R7 stop in suburbs
• Track replacement at Fern Rock ($14 mil)
• Roof replacement at Woodland stop ($5 mil)

There’s already renovations at the Allens Lane costing $8 mil, so if we assume that’s what Croydon will cost there is still a ton of money possibly available. The bulletpointed list above is just of projects already in the pipeline; the PBJ notes SEPTA recently increased funding to several engineering firms.

One hopes if we do have this stimulus, SEPTA will suckle the government teat until it is completely dry. Maybe one day the Fairmount station won’t turn into a waterfall every time it rains. Or, you know, there will be working token machines at every stop. Aw, okay, that last one is a bit of a pipe dream.

Update: Other programs, via the U.S. Conference of Mayors: 40 hybrid buses (diesel/electric), new vehicle washers at Fern Rock, new ventilation systems at two bus garages.

Shh! The Train Is Moving!

You may have heard about SEPTA’s decision to create a “quiet car” test run on the R5; passengers will be prohibited from using cell phones in one car of the train on rush hour trains. They’ll also be asked not to talk ridiculously loudly to each other.

Anyway, today is the program’s launch! Woohoo! (I mean that in a completely theoretical sense. Not only do I not ride the R5, I would definitely not sit in the quiet car and miss out on hilarious overheard conversations. Plus, as Matthew Mitchell of something called the “Delaware Valley Association of Rail Passengers” says in that Inquirer article, “it’s not like the average peak-hour train is all that raucous.”)

If the program is successful, it’ll be expanded in March. The idea is that it will be largely self-policing program, as who the hell is going to intentionally sit in the one quiet car and then make a phone call, the main thing you’re not allowed to do in it. Hmm, I think I’d rather not make bets on that.

SEPTA to test “quiet cars” on rush-hour trains [Inquirer]
SEPTA stars “quiet car” [Inky/From The Source]
Image via SansPoint used under a Creative Commons License

See?

Check out the comments on this Phillyburbs.com article. See? SEE? I don’t really know what it says about the people on the Internet from this area, but they sure do bitch and moan on every single article ever with rants about black people (and also the poor and jobless, and related groups).

I mean, I hate the world as much as anybody else, but I don’t spend all my free time complaining about… hmm, nevermind. Just go laugh at the ridiculously out-of-place comments. In case you’re wondering his article is about increased SEPTA ridership, and somehow leads to:

“SEPTA gets me to the half way house in Levittown on time”, stated a “crack head” who just visited with her Parole Officer in Philadelphia. It’s great to know that SEPTA provides free services for some who are disabled from drugs.

With all the half way homes in Bensalem, Bristol, Bristol Township and Falls Township, SEPTA gives violators of the law a place to live and sell drugs. Heck, the police can’t confiscate a bus or a train to sell it at an auction.

Go SEPTA, come and a take a ride with us!

You see, we shouldn’t have SEPTA anymore because some people use it to transport drugs. The mind reels.

Token Machines Surface At 52nd St.

Hallelujah! Despite opening sparking new stations at 52nd and 46th streets in West Philadelphia, SEPTA forgot to put up token machines. Why? Because SEPTA hates you, the rider. (This should really be their motto. It could replace all those old “We’re getting there!” signs.)

But, it appears they don’t hate you all that much. SEPTA Watch reports there are now token machines at 52nd Street. Still no reports of token machines at 46th and 40th, but, hey, it’s a start.

Token machines come to 52nd Street Station! [SEPTA Watch]

Great Moments In Guest Columns

Well la de da! Last week, Alan Butkovitz had one of those wacky press conferences where he talked about ending the student TransPass program and other SEPTA-related ideas. Fair enough, I guess. Earlier this week, Butkovitz responds in an editorial about how great he is, and how shoddy he thinks the Daily News editorial was. And look who has has backing him!

THE BEST response to the Daily News editorial criticizing me for exposing problems with SEPTA’s student TransPass program and subway security measures came from Maude, a reader who posted this online comment: “The writer of this editorial obviously doesn’t have to depend on SEPTA like the rest of us. Try riding the system before forming your opinion.”

More than 80 percent of the comments posted on the newspaper’s own Web site expressed a similar bewilderment that the People Paper would be so out of touch with the reality of crime and violence in our subways.

Yes, that’s right, Alan Butkovitz is using Philly.com commenters to defend himself. But what does the KKK think about the SEPTA TransPass program?!

On SEPTA safety, don’t shoot the messenger [Daily News]

SEPTA: We’re Not Getting There

Curious travel advisory on SEPTA’s website. What could it mean?

A friend IMs and explains:

My mom called me from the train station. The announcement said, “Due to unusually high rider volume, Regional Rail service is suspended. Please find alternate transportation.”

Ha, ha, ha, hahahahahahaha. Way to shut down Regional Rail service the day of the Phillies parade, SEPTA!

Update: KYW 1060 has more; trains are now apparently 30 minutes behind schedule. There’s a 2-hour wait at the PATCO stop in Lindenwald.

Update 2: “All inbound Regional Rail service is suspended as of 1pm until further notice. There is no southbound BSL service south of Race/Vine.” Take public transportation down to the stadium for the parade, they say. Whoops!

No ‘Porno’ On SEPTA

I didn’ t know this because I’m not in high school anymore¹, but apparently Kevin Smith has a new movie coming out! It’s called Zack and Miri Make a Porno, and that last word is upsetting people who had nothing better to do.

Even in this time of economic crisis, newspapers, transit agencies and billboard companies across this fair country have rejected ads for Zack and Miri Make a Porno because of the word porno. And Philadelphia? Oh you better believe Philadelphia is in on this game:

Rina Cutler, Philadelphia deputy mayor for transportation, said the stick-figure posters were cute and clever but unacceptable for bus shelters where schoolchildren would see the word “porno.”

“If they want to call the movie ‘Zack and Miri,’ that’s fine, but Zack and Miri cannot make a porno on my bus shelters,” Cutler said.

Crap. There goes my cash-generating idea, Busty Bus Stop Vixens. Back to the drawing board.

¹ I did like Clerks 2, though.

Coming This Winter: SEPTA Flu

If you’ve noticed, everyone seems to be sick (with bad colds) quite early this year. Or maybe that’s just me. But a local doctor tells KYW 1060 the answer: It’s all SEPTA’s fault.

Mass transit ridership is up because gas is not only $50 a gallon but nobody has any money anymore, having been laid off by Lehman Brothers or something. Well, Dr. Kathleen Squires says blame SEPTA — or, rather, the number of people on SEPTA — for the upcoming epidemic of the flu this winter:

“Any time that people are in crowded conditions and in close contact there is always a chance to spread colds viruses and influenza.”

The good news she says is that simple hand washing and getting a flu shot can help cut your risk significantly since this year’s vaccine is different and covers three new strains of the virus. What if you just keep your cold weather gloves on while riding mass transit?

“I wouldn’t necessarily encourage that we all go around wearing gloves, but remember that if you cough into the glove and then touch a surface, whatever is on the glove can be transmitted to that surface.”

Oh, just wait ’til the media hops on the “SEPTA flu” bandwagon in a few months. It’ll be great.

Local Dr. Links Flu Cases to Crowdedness on Mass Transit [KYW 1060]
Photo by qilin, Creative Commons license

Larry Kane, Bus Rider

In a post about unsafe taxi drivers, legendary Philadelphia newsman Larry Kane lets this little gem slip:

I occasionally take a cab, although I prefer rail lines and city buses.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Larry Kane rides the bus? Good for him, I guess, but, um, really? I don’t think Ringo rides the bus.

Anyway, with this new information I’ve devised a new ad campaign for SEPTA that is sure to be a hit.