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Doink. Doink.

021609lando.jpg Let’s head back to Bucks County and focus on the District Attorney’s race there. Duh! Of course this is what’s next on the agenda.

Republican and current “Chief Deputy District Attorney” Gary Gambardella has dropped out of the race for DA, because ex-judge and fellow GOP member David Heckler (Boo! Hiss! Your jokes suck!) has decided to run. Gambardella is now going to run for a judgeship.

Let’s see why:

“We desperately need a unified party,” he said. “Staying in this race for even a minute would have disrupted the party. I think that with Dave Heckler on board we can have a ‘Law and Order’ ticket that will draw people to our party.”

There’s a chance he’s referring to “law and order” (the stupid campaign slogan that usually means “cracking down on and locking up undesirables”) and not Law & Order, the show, but I’m hoping it’s the latter.

Not just for political reasons, mind you! I was hoping we’d get a Law & Order campaign for president, but Fred Thompson failed to gain any traction in the Republican primary (after making one of his first campaign promises a pardon for Scooter Libby) and eventually dropped out. I’m thinking campaign ads with the L&O theme, promising to indict as many people as possible in every situation (a la Jack McCoy) and maybe a rule that only incredibly attractive assistant district attorneys will be hired.

All in all, I think it’s a good idea. Doink doink!

Gambardella drops district attorney bid [Courier Times]

Nazis: Known For Their Fashion

A teenager in Perkasie was recently arrested for scrawling swastikas and other Nazi-related graffiti on his high school bathroom walls. Here’s how The Intelligencer described it (emphasis mine):

In addition to swastikas, the teen wrote a symbol that means “Heil Hitler” and also scribbled “SS,” a reference to the Schutzstaffel, the group of Nazi troops known for their loyalty to Adolf Hitler. The drawings were done in pencil and pen.

The SS was, indeed, a group of Nazis. But I think they’re best known for… hell, let’s just quote the Wikipedia entry for the Schutzstaffel:

Built upon the Nazi racial ideology, the SS, under Heinrich Himmler’s command, was responsible for many of the crimes against humanity perpetrated by the Nazis during the World War II, and most of the worst of those crimes.

So… yeah. Loyalty to Hitler, though, that’s what I remember ‘em for. As such, I remember Hitler as the guy who widened roads in Germany.

Teen charged for scrawling Nazi graffiti [The Intelligencer]

‘Wave’ Of Alien Sightings In Pa.

111908flyingsaucer.png Forget naked people. The real big story in Bucks County is its many recent UFO sightings!

What started with a single UFO sighting over a Middletown Mexican restaurant Jan. 26 has turned into a science fiction sensation.

Spaceships were spotted over Sesame Place.

Black boomerangs were reported over Citizens Bank Park during the Phillies National League Championship series. [They wanted to see Manny, clearly.--ed.]

An extraterrestrial even was seen recently in the men’s department of the local JCPenney, smiling at our women.

With more than 50 reports from Bucks since January, the Pennsylvania Mutual UFO Network says it now will gather here for its next alien hunter conference Jan. 24 at Bucks County Community College.

How fitting the UFO conference will gather on the most depressing day of the year (well, according to a press release at least).

State MUFON coordinator John Ventre is scheduled to discuss what he calls the”"Pennsylvania UFO Wave.” The list of speakers also includes self-professed local abductees, including history professor David Jacobs of Temple University.

Shit! It’s a veritable wave of UFOs! And kudos to Bucks County Courier Times reporter James McGinnis for playing along (this isn’t the first time):

On June 23, a woman reported seeing an “alien entity” in the JCPenney’s men’s section.

“He was standing by a clothes rack,” the report said. “She described him as being male, no hair, gray skin, almond black eyes with a lumpy heavily wrinkled face.” The alien appeared to be shopping and had a “pleasant smile” for ladies in the store.

Yet the woman told MUFON she decided to leave the scene “because she and her husband were planning to attend a movie.”

(It’s not known which outlet the aliens chose for their shopping spree, though several other sightings were reported near the Oxford Valley Mall.)

It’s good to know the impending alien invasion won’t be that bad; the aliens have the same commitment to savvy shopping as we do, at least.

In unrelated news, the UFO Call Center is tired of getting prank calls.

After UFO sightings, alien hunters to gather here [Bucks County Courier Times]
Thanks, Joe

Naked Man On Loose

111808boot.jpg It sure has been a while we’ve had a ridiculous crime in Bucks County (official motto: “The world’s fattest boot.”). Those things used to come like clockwork. And… oh! Here we go!

Buckingham police are looking for a man in a bizarre assault that occurred Monday shortly before 1 p.m. on New Hope Road. Police said a woman jogging on the road between Route 413 and Holicong Road was attacked from behind by a naked man. Police are investigating the incident as a sexual assault.

The woman said her attacker got her in a bear hug and lifted her upright. He then released her and ran to Holicong Road where he got into a silver sport utility vehicle… The incident sounds similar to one that occurred in Middletown [Levittown -- ed.] last week.

Middletown police said that on Nov. 11 a man wearing only a pair of socks was seen on Red Berry Road. Police said the man was described as a white male with a medium build and balding. He was last seen in a small silver SUV.

Ahh, there we go. Be on the lookout for a balding naked man next time you’re in Buxco! And in case you’re wondering, Red Berry Road is not in the Red Cedar Hill Section of Levittown. Confusing, isn’t it?

Naked man assaults jogger [Bucks County Courier Times]

Older Men In Stylish Uniforms And Cars Want To Friend Your Kids

Wouldn’t you know it: The Bensalem Police Department has a Myspace page. Yes, and by 2016 they’ll have a Facebook, too.

The idea, KYW 1060 reports, is that kids will become friends with the Bensalem Police Department, and then creepy online cyber pedophiles will not contact them. Sounds great, of course, except that, um, don’t all online crimes like that require two participants? A kid whose #1 friend is the police force is not going to be meeting up for illicit sex with a 35-year-old either, no?

Eh, whatever. Can’t hurt, I suppose. Let’s see what Bensalem public safety director Fred Harran had to say about it to KYW:

He calls it simple crime prevention — the same way police tell adults to protect their cars with alarms and clubs: “When you go to their Myspace account and you see the Bensalem police pop up as their number one friend, a pedophile or somebody that’s trying to do some gang recruitment, cyber-bullying, or maybe drug dealing or any other crimes that’s going on on the Internet right now, they’re likely to see the police icon on there and get off the page.”

Harran stresses that in no way will they be spying on kids on their pages. He says the department is always adding to its Myspace page to make it more attractive for children.

To make it more attractive for children, huh? Sounds like something the gang recruiters could learn from the police department’s page and use it to bring our children into a life of crime and pedphilies, who also now apparently sell drugs on Myspace (with delivery through a USB cable).

Bensalem Police Department Urges Kids to Use Them as ”Myspace” Friends [KYW 1060]