Jocelyn Kirsch: 5 Years

Well, look who’s plastered all over the front of Philly.com again today! Yes, Jocelyn Kirsch has been sentenced to five years in prison because she used a gun to assault a postal worker stole a lot of money and annoyed people.

“This sentence properly punishes the defendant, provides full restitution and protects the public,” the judge said at the end of the sentencing hearing. We, too, can all sleep easy tonight knowing that Jocelyn Kirsch will not be terrorizing our city’s streets anymore. Children can finally come outside and take back the street corners from our beloved Bonnie.

“A message must be sent out from this sentence that credit card fraud will not pay,” Judge Eduardo C. Robreno continued, and I do think we all learned a valuable lesson here, just like when Larry Mendte taught us all about the value of keyloggers the consequences of wire fraud.

The defense wanted fewer years due to Kirsch’s mental problems, but the U.S. Attorney argued against it: “This is not somebody who’se been in and out of mental institutions.” Let that be a lesson to you all: If you want to be commit several counts of aggravated identity theft and related charges, go in and out of a bunch of mental hospitals first, because then you’ll serve less time in jail afterward.

“I am a Drexel graduate and hope this idiot is no longer associated w/ our great institution,” writes a Philly.com commenter. “I hope she is sentenced for a very long time and they take real good care of her in prison.” There are also lots of, um, hilarious jokes about her being raped in prison. Yuk, yuk! And this is my favorite comment:

Jocelyn Kirsch gets 5-year sentence [Inquirer]