Hey, look, here’s a video from “Election Journal” and oh my God it’s done by Stephen Morse. Back when we last visited Stephen, he was a finding controversies among poll workers as a Penn undergrad. Earlier today I linked that story, finding it funny there were similar “controversies” this year. And now I find out this Black Panther story is not only the same story it’s the same person oh my God history doesn’t just repeat itself, it repeats itself with the same exact people.
Anyway, I apparently gave Stephen Morse an award, so clearly it was only a matter of time before he returned into the Philadelphia Will Do universe. Welcome back, Stephen! Hope you’re doing well.
Here’s a Fox News report about polling places in West Philadelphia. GEE I WONDER WHAT THE REPORT WILL BE ABOUT. Yes, that’s right, Republican poll watchers were manhandled by Democratic operatives and murdered and eaten and had their organs sold on the black market. Longtime readers (wow, you’re still here?) will remember this is essentially the same thing then-Daily Pennsylvanian blogger/wunderkind Stephen Morse did two years ago, only way more annoying. It’s simple Philadelphia incompetence, not any sort of plot to disenfranchise Republicans.
We do want your organs, though. This clip is from PW’s politics blog, which might be of interest to you today for reasons I can’t quite remember right now.
Every once in a while a writer comes along whose talent is so, erhm, different you just can’t ignore them.
Last year we had such a person in Stephen Morse, who now has his own production company. See? O, the places you’ll go when you’re named one of Philadelphia Will Do’s People of the Year.
And, recently, I learned of another young writer who is sure to shake the foundation of the literary movement. (Or something. Have you seen how nice it is outside today? I’m not spending too much time on stupid jokes right now.) The writer’s name is Ainsley Maloney. The Stephen Morse comparison isn’t really all that apt, as he wrote about how black people didn’t care enough about black people and she wrote about how sometimes guys and girls fuck each other without really caring about each other.
Her two recent articles are headlined “The Buddy System” and “Long, green trip.” The cover stories are, respectively, about fuckbuddies and binge drinking in honor of St. Patrick’s Day. Let’s analyze them in a charticle after the jump.
• A bunch of union people blocked Broad Street during rush hour this morning because some company that doesn’t want to use their labor cartel and wants to use cheaper, crappier contractors instead was having a meeting at the Union League. But they did decide to bring out a giant inflatable rat, which I can only assume was also a moonbounce, so all is well. [CBS 3]
• Police were questioning a robbery suspect so the suspect’s brother ran the two plainclothes officers over with his car, one of whom is in critical condition with a broken leg. You know, I want to know what drove (har, har) that man to think, “Hmm, my brother is being investigated for robbery. How can I solve his problem? Oh, I know! I’ll run over two cops with my car!” [NBC 10]
• Ikea has begun to charge anickel for every plastic bag customers use “to carry their booty of Glasklar dishes and Bibbi Snurr blankets.” Thanks, Associated Press writer Joann Loviglio. I owe you a drink for that line. [AP/Camden Courier-Post]
• And Metro now has a blog about the mayor’s race, in case the Daily News‘ and the Inquirer’s weren’t good enough for you. We’re looking your way, Weekly Press! [Fight for Room 215]
• A cute doggy won Westminster! His name is James and he’s an English Springer Spaniel. Huzzah. [USA Today, photo via AP]
• Sorry, boys! Jessica Pressler is engaged. The Daily News‘ Catherine Lucey, too. Congratulations to both. But I’m thinking in a few months the only single female reporter in this town is going to be me, somehow. [Daily News, 2nd item]
• And, finally, I have a new weekly feature in PW. It’s kind of similar to the blog in that it has words in it and was produced by me. But I hope you’ll like it. [PW]
• Philadelphia University needed overtime to beat an 0-20 team. But it was coach Herb Magee’s record-setting 829th win. If you don’t know who Herb Magee is, he’s the man you’d get if you combined every single college hoops coach in Philadelphia into one person. [Inquirer]
• Stephen Morse wants us to be able to recognize him more when he’s out exposing awfulness in the City of Philadelphia. Also, he’s running for sheriff, according to 34th Street. If you’re wondering why this didn’t get a full post today, it’s because I am no doubt joining the Morse campaign — maybe he’ll force black people to protest against Darfur! — and don’t feel right commenting on it. Ha ha, just kidding. I’m just too lazy to learn if it’s true or not. [Daily Pennsylvanian]
• Inga Saffron says Suburban Station looks pretty decent now, but in a few weeks it’ll probably be overrun by grime again. Good to see everything’s par for the course this week. [Inquirer]
Last week when my friend brought home a reusable ice luge ice luge from Urban Outfitters, I couldn’t stop singing the praises of the Penn-alum founded company founded by Penn alums that opened its doors for the first time in at 43rd and Locust 43rd and Locustin the 1970s.
Yes, but where did it open? And who founded it? And what reusable product did your friend buy? Answers, Stephen, we need answers!
• By early March, the street signs in the Gayborhood will have rainbow flags on them. (The signs will be between Pine and Chestnut streets and Broad and 11th streets.) Awesome: Leave it to the gays to be the ones who make our street signs prettier. [Philadelphia Gay News]
• Stephen Morse is back, baby! Yes! The latest target: People who have the audacity to die in front of Penn students, or something. [Daily Pennsylvanian's The Spin]
Coming into this year, Curt Weldon was a congressman with almost 20 years of service in the House. Exiting this year, Curt Weldon is a lame duck congressman with almost 20 years of service in the House, but none of them funnier than this one.
How was this year so funny? Well, let’s recap: Since 9/11, Curt Weldon had been hawking his theory that the U.S. government blew it. Which is true, obviously, but Weldon’s theory involved secret sources that talked only to him, in addition to a secret program called “Able Danger.” When his theory began to unravel in the early months of this year, Weldon decided to drop another bombshell: Osama Bin Laden is dead in Iran.
Despite this rumormongering, Weldon was still seen as a shoo-in for election. But then in April, he criticized his opponent, Joe Sestak, for the hospital choice he made for his daughter who had a brain tumor.
As election day neared, old stories resurfaced — his attendance at a coronation of Rev. Moon as the world’s savior, the time he went to Libya and to meet Muammar al-Gaddafi, how he somehow combined the two incidents, etc. — but Weldon began to refute any charges against him with nonsense words.
What’s next for Curt? Well, currently, he’s telling conservative newspapers the CIA is out-of-control and helping Democrats. (With, y’know, the democrat in the executive office and all. Er.) 2006 was a good year for Curt Weldon funny, could he bounce back in 2007? Let’s hope so.
