Abridged Daily News Columnists

Wednesday
Jill Porter: Last year, Jill Porter helped get Hershey’s to pull candy stamped “ICEBREAKERS” from the market because it sort of looked like crack (but not really). (It’s okay, Wired’s website agreed.) Anyway, Porter wrote about Michael Phelps and why marijuana should be legal. Color me surprised and proud.

Today
Ronnie Polaneczky: Hey, here’s the story of the cantor at police funerals at the Basilica.

John Baer: Now that Ed Rendell wants to legalize video poker to help get some money for the state (more on this later), some lawmakers have shot back with calls for legalized prostitution and marijuana. Yes, yes a million times yes! Oh, apparently they’re saying it as a joke. Sadness.

Michael Smerconish: Before the Internet nobody attempted to make money off a celebrity doing something stupid in public. Smerconish is all about narcing when he sees a drug deal, though, which is something that actually has real consequences (as opposed to selling a tape of Christian Bale being angry or whatever).

Stu Bykofsky: Oh, man, Stu Bykofsky has responded to the Phillymag article about newspapers with his own plan for how to save newspapers! The idea: Sue Google for sending the websites free traffic!

Publishers sowed the seeds of their own destruction - pre-Tierney - by stampeding to the Internet and giving away their content for free, overturning a business model that had sustained them for centuries.

We must stop the insanity - now! It’s time for some brave publisher - Hello, Brian - to stand up and howl: “No more free content!”

This company should charge online visitors a small fee, maybe $5 a month, for our content - which is copyrighted, then sue the pants off anyone stealing it.

Should Google “pick up” (steal) our stuff, if we successfully sued them for $1 billion, two good things happen: 1) Our money problems are solved; 2) everyone else will stop stealing our content.

Apparently indexing a site and sending readers its way is highly illegal. Or, rather, it would be if the site was behind a pay-wall. Which is why ESPN Insider is currently suing Google for giving away its content for free. Oh wait!

Bloggers can’t replace newspapers.

No one says they should, are or will. You sure stuck it to those non-existent people! This column was written in 2003. Maybe earlier. Bykofsky just decided to run it now.

The million bloggers comment mostly on what was revealed by resource-rich newspapers. No matter how many eyeballs they attract, blogs rarely “break through” because they are so many and so scattered. They lack newspapers’ broad-based public square, where the masses assemble. They also lack the public megaphone and spotlight, which may be the print press’ most important weapons.

Blogs are also not news-gathering organizations. This is like saying, “No way can one actor make a movie. It takes a lot of people! YouTube should be ashamed of itself!” This article is a giant strawman made of smaller strawmen, then lit on fire at Burning Man.

And, on a side note, how dare Burning Man think it can replace all other forms of recreation!

Was it a blogger who turned a spotlight, and publicly shamed, the Postal Service for dumping mail? No, that was the Daily News. Did a blogger have the resources in time, talent and staff to drag DHS onto the front pages and into the grand-jury room? No, that was the Inquirer. Every day newspapers run stories that would not otherwise be told.

Yes, and the other way around, too. Blogs cover stories newspapers can’t, won’t or don’t cover.

Do all (any?) bloggers have the training or the inclination to post only what is verifiable? Working for a newspaper means you have been vetted by virtue of education or experience, and you hew to ethical norms of accuracy, honesty and objectivity. Do we always succeed? No. But almost all of us make an honest effort, and we have angels on our shoulders (called editors) to ensure that we do.

Fun fact: The Daily News runs more corrections than most blogs — and not because the blogs write something stupid! Of course, that comparison is dumb, but I’m working with what I’m stealing from the newspaper here.

That’s why I’ll trust the Associated Press’ reporting of President Obama’s recovery plan over anything I’ll read at DailyKos.com or TownHall.com.

Good job, cherrypicking two random sites, one where anyone can post, and another that’s a cesspool of nonsense. That’s why I trust BatBoyNews.com’s reporting on BatBoy’s wedding more than anything I read in the Weekly World News!

As Volk writes from his smug platform, doesn’t he realize that maybe half the stories in each issue of his magazine had their genesis in earlier newspaper reporting? We also provide the material for WIP and other talk radio to gab about all day, not to mention providing leads for TV-news-assignment desks. I’m not bragging or complaining. It’s just true.

There’s a rule in advertising — I know a lot about advertising, I’ve seen both Trust Me and Mad Men — that if you’re the big fish, you don’t attack the smaller ones. It’s why you usually don’t see ExxonMobil doing attack ads against BP. So, yes, newspapers have been the most trusted and dominant news medium for a long, long time now. Everyone knows that. You don’t get a bonus for pointing it out.

But what makes it even funnier is Stu’s most recent column on Monday was about something he heard on the radio. How dare he take information from someone he heard on a radio broadcast! They ought to charge for radio, and if Stu writes about it, radio can sue.

Mint Prohibition Doesn’t Work!

What have I been telling you people? When you try to ban mints, the only people helped are the illegal mint sellers. How else to explain, a day after Hershey’s pulled the plug on Jill Porter’s crack cocaine mints, the plethora of listings on eBay for the “discontinued, limited edition” mints. On the street, Hershey’s mints go for about $2.19. But now that they’ve been forced to the black market, the mints are selling for close to 10 bucks (plus shipping) with several auction days to go.

Now our children are going to buy the mints online, replace them with real drugs and sell the fake mints to their friends, who will respond with a hail of bullets. Sound far-fetched? This was one of the reasons the company banned the mints that somehow “glorify the drug trade.” Really. People actually said that.

Apparently the crusade wasn’t limited to Philadelphia, although Philly was apparently the only city to call for Hershey’s to remove “Ice Break Pacs,” whatever they are. The Daily News gloats today over its great triumph for humanity.

Meanwhile, the activists are not happy, and are still boycotting Hershey products. I urge all good Philadelphians to smoke a little crack for ol’ Milton Hershey and his crack cocaine mints tonight. RIP, Ice Breaker Pacs.

Drug Problem Eliminated By Hershey

Rejoice, Americans! A loosely-affiliated coalition of newspaper columnists, corrupt drug prohibitionists and other various annoying people have finally succeeded in outlawing Hershey’s Jill Porter brand crack cocaine mints, as the company announced for some reason today it wasn’t making any more. Don’t worry, these people will most certainly take credit for Hershey’s 65% fourth-quarter profit drop.

Even though that had already been decided, I thought, Porter’s crack cocaine mints are now officially done for as Hershey’s CEO announced on a conference call they wouldn’t be made ever again. So now these things-look-like-drugs people can turn their attention to oregano and chalk, and these mints that somehow “glorify the drug trade” will no longer terrorize our communities.

I’m sure the narcotics officers are gleeful. Now they can breathe easy and go back to arresting black people like they usually do!

Hershey Pulls Mints That Look Like Illegal Drugs [Fox News]

Abridged Daily News Columnists

Jill Porter: Thanks to Jill Porter and her band of outraged idiots, Hershey’s is going to change its crack candy. Now Porter will be able to concentrate about actual problems about policing drugs, such as how black men make up only 14 percent of drug users but 74 percent of those in prison for drug possession. Ha ha, just kidding, she’s going to complain about violent video games or something.

Carol Towarnicky: Who the hell is Bill O’Reilly?

Abridged Daily News Columnists

Okay, I’m going to say nice things about all the Daily News columns today. Really!

Jill Porter: No Hershey’s cracklicious mints this time. Ahh, it’s sort of a defense about the attention paid to the Bonnie half of the Bonnie & Clyde. It’s pretty good.

Chris Brennan: This is another column about the West Philly El construction that is taking forever and destroying businesses. (Nobody has a place to park. Couldn’t they take the Subway? Whatever.) It’s about how the money the government put aside to help those local businesses hasn’t been spent, even at local bars. Can somebody pay me to drink? That would be great. Anyway, this column is pretty good, too.

John Baer: John Baer’s usually a pretty decent columnist, and today’s column is about Pennsylvania’s chief justice, who is… I have no idea. Neither do you. (Maybe ChrissMari does.) So: Good! The stuff about the soon to be chief justice, Ron Castille (Hey! I at least know this name!), is kinda pointless but the stuff about the 2010 governor’s race is interesting. Pretty good.

Stu Bykofsky: Bykofsky admits a mistake in the fourth sentence, which makes the column already good. (Lots of columnists won’t apologize.) And he says he likes humans, so another win. Pretty good.

Debbie Woodell: Woodell, the paper’s columnist on gay issues, says “don’t ask, don’t tell” should be eliminated in the military. Shouldn’t the army take all the soldiers they can get, etc. Also, this column is short. Yay! Again, pretty good.

Deborah Leavy: Essentially a plug for DonorChoose.org, which allows teachers to request books to help, uh, teach children. Good cause, etc. Pretty good.

Man, that was a lot of columns to say nice things about. Honestly, I’m just happy I’m done; I had to enjoy what I was reading for too long there.

Abridged Daily News Columnists

Christine Flowers: Blah blah blah blah Boy Scouts WHAT NO DUKE RAPE CASE MENTION?!

Jill Porter: Wow, government bureaucracies are bureaucratic WHAT NO HERSHEY’S CRACK COCAINE MENTION?

Elmer Smith: Really, gun groups are strong in this hunting state WHAT NO… hmm, I dunno where this joke goes.

You’ll Need Crack To Get Through This Column

Jill Porter is back today for her first column since she decried Hershey’s support of the drug trade with nonsensical arguments.

And, uh, she should get an award for this lead transition:

CITY COUNCILMAN Juan Ramos keeps Hershey’s kisses in his refrigerator because he likes them cold.

But this week, he’ll turn up the heat on the company for making Ice Breakers Pacs, dissolvable breath-mint pouches that look exactly like bags of powdered street drugs.

More »

Abridged Daily News Columnists

Ronnie Polaneczky: Hey, ballroom dancing is fun and good for kids, who knew?

John Baer: Hey, Rendell wants to give people health care, what a shocking proposal.

Jill Porter: Hershey’s sellin’ crack! Yeah yeah, more on this later.

Abridged Daily News Columnists

Elmer Smith: Wow, people will make up lies to win elections? No!

Christine Flowers: Well, I’m not on any government assistance that requires your house to be raided, so let’s do it to some poor people instead! Oh no you’re not allowed to use that kind of reasoning to criticize me, though!

Jill Porter: Another in the Jill Porter “Columnist Who Cried Wolf” series, this time it’s about how this new Hershey’s mint looks like crack. This probably deserves a full post later today, but for now I’d just like to thank Hershey for fighting the good fight in the war against prohibition!