Larry West Buys A Kilt!

I have attempted to make Philadelphia Will Do your #1 source for Larry West news ever since he randomly showed up at the Milton Street concert/mayoral rally and told everyone he was running for mayor.

Anyway, we now have perhaps the biggest Larry West development yet, as he notes on his blog that he has purchased a kilt.

West writes that he “fucking hate[s] pants” — he drops a Simpsons quote in his post title — and explains the beauty of owning a kilt:

Most men wear boxers for the comfort and feeling of freedom, something we really get to enjoy when we wear shorts in the summer. Otherwise, we wear pants. Tight, restricting, horrible pants. Fuck ‘em! Well, a kilt is better. I had on my boxers, I put a kilt on over them, and my god… paradise! PAR-A-DISE! Walking around the house, feeling free.. my god, FREEDOM!!!!

We then learn West is considering wearing long johns to prevent accidental exposure while donning a kilt. (A recommendation: Boxer briefs! Or, rather, those Jockey mid-rise briefs. Best underwear ever.)

I shall continue delving into Larry West wardrobe news as it develops.

Don’t You Hate Pants? [Angry, Young, And Poor]

Great Moments In Design

Look, Larry West went to all the trouble of making this graphic, the least I can do is share his post about local blogs’ extreme lack of advance event notification. I also liked this long post about Saturday morning cartoons, while I’m at it. (No mention of Cartoon All-Stars to the Rescue, though?! That was the event of Saturday morning cartoon watching in whatever year it aired.)

The Greatest Caption In Inquirer History

Skeletor hosts the Karaoke Gong Show at the Troc. Singing are Erin Evans of West Chester (hat) and Amy Sullivan of Conshohocken (horns).

Frankly, this caption is way better without the photo. Also, this story features a quote from Michael Andrews, formerly known as Couzin Ed (he’s on the radio in Vice City!): “When you play Rock Band at home, it’s like just singing in the shower. When you play Rock Band in a bar, it is a real gig.” I’m going to set up Mario Kart at a racetrack.

And, yes, Larry West is quoted in this article. If I didn’t suck at games like Rock Band (and Guitar Hero, and DDR, and Simon, and any of those ‘follow and/or memorize the pattern’ games), who knows — I probably would’ve been quoted, too.

Let’s play! [Inquirer]

Ha Ha, Kids Who Can’t Vote For Obama

Everyone knows Barack Obama is popular with the kiddies. “He’s their KFC JFK!” the adults say, and they are probably right. But some of these people are so young they will not even be able to vote for President Obama for re-election in 2012, except in their mock elections — and by then they will want to vote for Ron Paul anyway. (For mayor, they’ll be voting for Larry West.)

PW reporter extraordinaire Alli Katz interviews some kids who support Barack Obama but won’t be able to vote for him next week. Ha ha, stupid kids! What can Obama do for them — they don’t even drive! (As the commercials tell us, Obama will stand up to the oil companies with his giant gun of hope.)

Hillary Clinton immediately called for the punishment of these children by taking away their violent video games.

Obama’s Youngest Supporters [PW]

Larry West Supports… No One!

Now that Jesus White has delivered his endorsement, it’s about time we found out who ineligible mayoral candidate Larry West thinks should be mayor.

And what do you know! He emailed me a little bit ago:

Hey, how are you? Long time, no write, huh? Well, I’m working on a new site and campaign called “None of the Above”, where I basically say that no one running should be President. The front runners are only “OK” in my eyes. There’s more to come, but have a few images you may like [see at right--dmac]

More images here.

-Larry

So there you go: Uhh… nobody. I assume when he writes “the front runners,” he means Clinton and Obama and not John McCain. In fact, I’m pretty sure of that.

Socialist Workers Party Running A Candidate Just As Eligible As John McCain

The New York Times big scoop today is, basically, something that’s been floating around on stupid Internet messageboards for a while now. (The NYT — and others — for some reason think the Internet is real life, and so Matt Drudge and McCain_SuX_6969 get to influence the media.) Anyway, apparently John McCain was born in the Panama Canal Zone, which makes him ineligible to be president.

As you know, I’m a bit interested in ineligible candidates (aka “criminals”); I paid a bit of attention to Larry West’s ultimately doomed campaign for mayor. And, as such, it’s nice to know I’ll be able to joke about another (Walnuts!) one in the presidential.

But that doesn’t mean he’s the only ineligible candidate! In addition to McCain, the presidential race also has Socialist Workers Party candidate Róger Calero. The SWP candidate visited Temple recently, and PW’s über-talented Cassidy Hartmann talked with him for her MTV political thing.

Calero was born in Nicaragua, though. While the U.S. had invaded and taken the Panama Canal Zone at the time of McCain’s birth (1786), by Calero’s time Uncle Sam was content simply to destabilize these countries in more clandestine ways. And while he is of age to run for president, the Constitution forbids him from actually being elected. He can still get on some states’ ballots, though (but not Pennsylvania, where it is impossible).

One might think Calero could at least have an army of hilarious online followers, but dedication to the Socialist cause is a little lacking these days. (The illegal presidential candidate summed up Temple the way you could sum up pretty much every school: “Temple is generally a liberal school, but not that liberal in the sense of revolutionary politics.”)

But with smaller numbers, it appears the supporters of our fair Socialist candidate are a bit more realistic than fans of a certain other candidate with socialist supporters. Gordon Barnes (at left in photo) brought Calero to Temple, and here’s what he said: “We realize Róger’s not going to win.” Now if only Ron Paul’s supporters could get that. Or, for that matter, John McCain’s.

The Candidate for Change? It’s All Relative. [Think MTV]

Everyone Lining Up To Run Against Fumo

A.J. at Phillymag reported last night Johnny Doc is considering a run for Vince Fumo’s State Senate seat. With (bi hottie) Anne Dicker already running alpaca cartoons and related fun anti-Fumo ads and multiple posts on Young Philly Politics saying some people you’ve never heard of should run, it could be a crowded race come primary time. Will Larry West throw his hat into the ring?

Daulerio’s source sums it up this way: If Fumo wins the primary, he could drop out after it and essentially handpick his successor. Johnny Doc could swoop in and take the senate seat from the 30-year vet and then he could have all the alpacas he wanted. If only it was Pennsylvania and not New Jersey where alpaca farming is booming, maybe everyone could get along and vacuum up alpaca hair in peace.

Also: Dammit, I missed Larry West’s auction for a signed print of a drawing of Pamela Anderson!

Update: It’s confirmed! And here’s his hilarious quote! “My family’s been living in this area for 100 years. At one time, I had 11 aunts and uncles in one house, that same house I raised my daughter.”

BREAKING: Johnny Doc Considering Run for Fumo’s Seat [The Daily Examiner]

Mayor Nutter On Hardball

Mix Master Mayor went on Hardball last night to talk to white-haired goon/political pundit Chris Matthews.

Matthews — a Philadelphia native who was going to run for the U.S. Senate in ‘06, remember??? — tells Nutter he watched his campaign and asks him how we can bring the country together during a presidential election.

Nutter says if the Republicans decide to run a former landscaper or maybe Larry West, the campaign should be pretty upbeat.

Matthews then asks the mayor about young people, but Philadelphia doesn’t have any of those.

[via The 700 Level]

Having Conquered Philly, Larry West Heads Overseas

Much like Official Election Resluts Thread, sometimes Larry Just gets a little too excited. But, yeah, Danish TV, 2 p.m. today, apparently. I can only assume he’s appearing on the Danish version of The Singing Bee.

Larry West to Make his Danish TV Debut! [Mark Skull aka Larry West, apparently]
May 16: Larry West All Ready For General Election

Register To Vote For Exciting Already-Decided Election

We are now less than a month away from the most exciting time of the year — i.e. the election between midterms and presidential. Could those odd-year elections be any more exciting?

Oh, yeah, there’s also a mayor’s race in Philadelphia between the guy who’s going to win (Michael Nutter) and the guy who’s going to lose (Al Taubenberger). And don’t forget the third-party candidates John Staggs (Socialist Workers, eligible to run for mayor, actually on ballot) and Larry West (independent, not eligible to run for mayor, not on ballot).

If you are very excited to vote for Mayor Al or meatpacker Staggs, be sure to note: Today is the last day you can register for the election in Pennsylvania. If you don’t vote, nothing will happen, but you lose your right to complain about the guy you voted for who’s not paying attention to your stupid pet causes.