Barry’s Big Day

Hey! Come back around 11:30 for my first-ever inauguration liveblog. Consider it my hazing of the new president. And remember this quote I heard on the news as I woke up this morning: “I just hope Obama can bring the change we’ve been hoping for.” That’s what we want from President Obama: A change sandwich made with hope.

10:58: And we’re back! Early, even. Right now I’m at my place, watching CNN; when I turned on the television the first thing I saw was Dick Cheney in a wheelchair. Wolf Blitzer said that “some people will probably make comments about that.”

10:59: Now they’re interviewing John Cusack. And John McCain is apparently not here, although “he wanted to.” Ooh, Steven Spielberg! Man, isn’t democracy great?

11:00: CNN has these little “FACT” boxes at the bottom of the screen. Here’s my favorite one so far: “The three-course meal includes seafood stew, pheasant and duck, molasses sweet poratoes and apple cinnamon sponge cake.”

11:01: Wolf Blitzer just got really close to praising Barack Obama for the nice weather. This is going to be a good day.

11:02: I’m pretty sure the Marine Corps band just played a little bit of the old Undertaker theme for a minute there.

11:07: A bunch of VIPs are just walking in now. (CNN guy says this is showing the world “a new hope.”) But check out what Obama’s doing already: He killed 40 Al-Qaeda members with the plague! Of course, now we’re going to all get the plague.

11:12: Soledad O’Brien has now reminded us three times (or maybe 100 million) that “a black man — a black man! — once counted as three-fifths of a person.” Thanks, we all had history class.

11:13: Wolf Blitzer is clearly sick of his co-hosts, as he’s interrupted them twice to ask them to listen to the band.

11:14: In other Obama news, Reason magazine thinks basketball is the new national pastime, thanks to our new president. What? Wasn’t it just a couple years ago everyone hated the NBA? And people only care about college hoops when they can bet on it, in March. Here’s my favorite paragraph:

Measured in dollars, basketball is still not the top American sport. The NFL and Major League Baseball both pull down more revenues than the National Basketball Association’s $3.384 billion per year. But basketball is a New Economy sport. It moves faster; it values individual expression. The NBA labor force is highly entrepreneurial, and the sport’s tradition of trash talk harmonizes with our post-euphemistic age. (Could the Eagles or the Phillies have produced such a piercing pundit and straight-talking drunk driver as Charles Barkley?)

Ha, ha, that ol’ new national pastime, creating only the best drunk drivers! I can’t tell: This article might be kidding. Somebody let me know if it is.

11:15: George H.W. Bush is wearing a purple scarf. Wolf Blitzer has contemplated his impending death twice now. No way am I moving off CNN.

11:22: Time for a CNN announcer-like comment: My God, there are a lot of people there. Remember when they said Live 8 had a million people here in Philadelphia? Yeah, now this is a lot of people.

11:23: Everyone on CNN keeps telling us how hard it is to get a ticket for this thing, how important it is, Wolf Blitzer said it didn’t compare to getting a courtside or ringside ticket for a sporting event. Uhh, thanks guys, you don’t need to tell us this. It’s the inauguration of the freaking first black president! You mean it’s not as big as our national pastime, basketball??

11:26: Someone (I think Blitzer) said of Obama’s daughters: “They are at least as popular as…” and trailed off. I think he was going to say “Obama” and thought better of it.

11:28: We’re running a little late here. CNN lets us know that, no matter if he has taken the oath of office or not, Obama becomes president at noon. Good to see that the new hopeful change-like America is kind of just like the old one (behind schedule).

11:32: The CNN announcers seem amazed that people will be able to hear the inauguration speech all over DC. Sound amplification is amazing.

11:33: Exchange:

Anderson Cooper: “History will change in this next hour.”
Wolf Blitzer: “Yep. There’s no doubt about that.”

Hey, let’s stop and listen to the band some more.

11:34: Anderson Cooper throws it to Bill Bennett… and we are greeted with dead silence. Best thing I’ve ever heard him say!

11:37: Oh, yes. Barack Obama will be sworn in on Das Kapital the Bible used for Abraham Lincoln’s swearing in. Pretty neat. Remember when that Muslim Congressman got sworn in on Thomas Jefferson’s Koran? That was awesome, too.

11:38: Ha ha, one of Bush’s handlers clearly yelled at CNN and Wolf Blitzer just corrected himself: George H.W. Bush — who the hosts had all but killed earlier today — has been using a cane since his back surgery in 2007, and it is not new. It’s good to see news announcers can speculate pointlessly on a person’s health just like sports announcers.

11:38: Look, the official inauguration hasn’t even started yet, and Cool Runnings is on TBS, and I think I’m going to flip over for a few minutes. I mean, the Jamaican bobsled team is just as much of a breakthrough as Obama.

11:43: Ha ha, the bobsled team can’t run on the ice! Ohh, man, what a great movie.

11:45: I’m convinced: Bobsledding is our new national pastime.

11:46: Okay, I’m back. Obama is there now! And he’s wearing a flag pin, as all good patriots do. I mean, if you don’t have a flag pin you might as well move to North Korea.

11:49: Rick Warren’s doing the invocation. Apparently this prayer includes the words “African-American president of the United States.” And we have our first Dr. King reference! Apparently he’s up watching in heaven, “shouting” with other witnesses. I thought heaven stood outside time and, like, Barack Obama is already up there with MLK chillin’ and shootin’ angel hoops, heaven’s national pastime.

11:54: Aretha Franklin is about to sing. I think I’m going to pay attention for once now, since I am sure this is going to be the best part.

11:57: Yeah, it was. Obama’s going to need to sing to top that, I think. They just asked people to stand, and I heard a very loud, “Yes we can!”

11:58: I like that Joe Biden gets sworn in by an associate justice (JP Stevens) instead of the chief justice. Also, the Bible he’s using is the size of several Oxford English Dictionaries. You know, if I needed a Bible to be sworn in on, I’d totally use Bibleman’s.

12:00: It’s noon! PRESIDENT OBAMA! WHOOP WHOOP WHOOP! Now I can stop watching!

12:06: He’s being sworn in. Both John Roberts and Obama screwed up once or twice. But at least Obama’s Bible wasn’t the size of a truck.

12:07: “Hail to the Chief,” 21-gun salute, lots and lots of people cheering. I will never get over the sight of seeing a ton of American tiny flags all being waved at once. It always looks so cool.

12:08: Okay, I’m going to try to listen to his speech instead of making dumb comments and then just share a few thoughts at the end. Not likely, but let’s see if I can do it.

I just took notes in disjointed sentences:

He said hope! He used the phrase, “We will harness the sun.” He bashed his critics who call his presidential plans too overreaching. Then he called ‘em cynics! (Forget you, Mr. President.) He wants the government to work and doesn’t really care about his size.

Ooh, he said that when a program is proven to not work, he will end it. If this is the case, Barack Obama will be my favorite president ever. He will, of course, not do this.

“We will not apologize for our way of life.” Hell yeah, Mr. President! That’s the best thing he said. I don’t know why, but I love when people say stuff like that.

He said hope again near the end! But I think this time it was in a quote.

Okay, I think I’ll just point out other television inauguration hilarities in other posts. But I’d like to leave you with the two IMs I received during Obama’s inauguration speech:

1. “omg all white people are currently being marched into concentration camps”
2. Charles Barkley Finally Gets That Blow Job, The Onion

Thank you, IM buddies. Really.