Internet Proven Useless Once Again

I’m all excited about the end of the Bush Administration, as I’m sure everyone except for comedians are. (Actually, I guess I’m pretty bummed about this, too.) But there is another source of nearly limitless amusement that won’t be leaving us anytime soon: The Internet!

The Internet, too, has the added bonus of not being able to start wars. Or, perhaps, do anything: Barack Obama’s Change.gov, which allowed citizens — actual people, like you and me! — to submit ideas to the president before the new election. As one might have expected, the ideas have been pretty much what people who spend a ton of time on the Internet (i.e., upper middle class kids) care about.

The top vote-getter in the first round of voting was marijuana legalization. Obama responded with a one-sentence reply that he was not in favor of it. Considering before the election Obama couldn’t even really come out against >baggy pants laws, this isn’t much of a surprise¹.

But no matter. Stuck with a ton of questions about things like marijuana legalization, Obama punted and instituted a new round of voting. Later, Change.gov instituted a new feature, the Citizens Briefing Book, which is essentially the same thing has before but features Tom Daschle confirming in a video that yes, indeed, children learn better when they’re healthy.

Anyway, the new list is just like the rest of them, which means I can pull out a hilarious collection of ideas (some awesome, some nonsensical, all of them never to be taken seriously by the president) at “random” from the top 30: Ending marijuana prohibition, “Commit to becoming the ‘Greenest’ country in the world”, ending DEA raids on medical marijuana clinics, bullet trains (which would make it easier to get to places carrying our newly-legal pot), “Revoke the Tax Exempt Status of the Church of Scientology”, “Boost America’s Economy with Legal Onine Poker”, ending the drug war, another marijuana legalization one, “Change.gov: Group similar submissions better” and, of course, “End the Truth Embargo on Extraterrestrials (UFO Disclosure).”

Mr. President – Tell us the Truth about the extraterrestrial presence on this planet and release as much relevant information to the American people as possible within reasonable constraints of national security. It is time for the people of the world to know the truth about the universe they inhabit. [...] Until this “Truth Embargo” is ended there will be no public access to technologies derived from extraterrestrial vehicles in this critical time of mounting economic and environmental challenges.

And there’s this one, which is my favorite:

Fortunately, the online populace is just not that into hanging all white people. Phew! I can rest easy. I think I’ll relax by playing some online poker.

¹ I linked that New York Post story because it had the headline I was looking for; however, Googling Obama baggy pants laws gives a bunch of stories with widely conflicting headlines. Most, though, say Obama denounced baggy pants laws. Yes, Obama said that baggy (sagging? saggy?) pants laws were a waste of time, but spent most of his answer telling black men to dress better. “Brothers should pull up their pants,” Obama said. “Now get off my lawn! And it’s the White House lawn, too, so what the hell, how did you kids even get in here anyway?” He didn’t say those last two sentences. I kind of felt they were implied.

That Google search keeps on giving, too: It also gives us a story from November’s New York Times titled, “Can Obama Help Kill Baggy Pants Look?.